what the hell ... talk some sense to me people! lol

[Fluffydreamer]

basics are myself and dh been seperated now since i discovered his affair with a friend of mine - well supposed to be a friend.This is around 5 months ago.

This was done very much in my face when i look back ie at the house regular flirting etc but i trusted him so was oblivious initially .And went on for nearly a year later discovered.

well to cut to the chase he has been asking me back ever since i threw him out and doing everything he can to be lovely to me but i have stayed strong as i hate what he did to me .

As much as i still care i need some pep chat to knock those rose tinted specs off my noggin !

need the pep chat as i forgot to say im beginning to fall for the charm

My DP did exactly this to his first wife and mother of his two lovely children when the DC were very young. He went on to marry the affair woman and has divorced her just last year.

Let me tell you this about my DP, who may or not be representative of men who do this:

He reckons he would have split from first wife one way or another, the affair was a symptom of his unhappiness in the marriage. Secondly, he is a selfish twunt who I put up with as long as he is monogamous with me. I seriosuly doubt he is capable of long term monogamy and should he ever be unhappy with me but afraid of leaving he will possibly shag about behind my back too.

Once a cheat pretty much always a cheat, esp. of those who do so with best mates of their DP/Ws

thanks for posting, my dh definately selfish arse i just need to get those angry thoughts back to keep me strong. i could never do what he did to me to anyone not if i had any concern for them at all.

He deceived you in the most callous way for a year Fluffy!

Of course he is a charmer/actor/chameleon, he is probably very good at using these skills to get what he wants - currently you.

My ex has kept up similar for 2 years and counting. That's the thing with people who are used to getting (and usually by manipulative means) their own way! They (arrogantly, IMO!) assume they will continue to do so.

...FWIW, when I went through periods of doubt WRT allowing my X to come back, I reminded myself of this:

If he thought for one minute that I would want him back after his affair, then not only was he supremely arrogant but sadly, had never really known me at all or had any respect or understanding for my values, morals, principles and character in general!

If he's so nice to have around that you don't mind the odd bit of playing away, that's your choice of course. Some people do manage their relationships like this and if it's what works for you, fine. It should mean you also get the chance to play away when it suits you, no? (Have you discussed that side of it with him? Was he happy about it?) But if you want a partner who is exclusively yours, doesn't seem this is the right guy for it, sorry.

It's up to you at the end of the day. People can and do recover from their partner's affair (me and my DH are recovering from his affair earlier last year) but IMO the betrayer has to do certain things to make recovery happen eg end all contact with OW immediately, be a completely open book to you, have counselling to understand the reasons for the affair and why it happened, be prepared to work on themselves and make changes etc.

There's nothing to stop you going on dates with your H to see how you feel and how the land lies (I presume you have DC together). I think a lot of men bitterly regret having an affair and how it wrecks their lives - but it's all in actions and not words. Repairing a marriage takes a lot of hard work on both sides and I personally don't think it can be done without outside help ie therapy/counselling to explore all the issues involved properly. You could make that a condition of any future "dates" - then you will know how much he wants it.

Never having been in the situation, it is difficult for me to give advice. I think that in this case however the crux of the matter is not just that he had an affair, not just that he deceived you for over a year but he did it with a friend of yours.

That would be the thing that bothered me most.

I too think a lot of people deeply regret the affairs they have. There is no excuse but because as a society we all tend to accept and in some circumstances encourage affairs the deep and lasting damage they can and do cause is often not seen until too late.

how many of us would really dare go up to someone who we knew was having an affair and tell them they were wrong?

I do think if someone sees it as a massive mistake and takes real steps to ensure it never happens again then a marriage can survive. It is never the same but in some ways it can be better.

I think if you want to have dates with your h then you should but make it clear to him that his previous behaviour was not acceptable and that you are in no way promising anything more than your time on these dates.

That was a hard lesson for my h to accept - i have changed such a lot and he now does not take me for granted as he did in the past.

no, don't consider letting him charm his way back into your life

he was shagging your friend riht under your nose and flirting with her in your house ?

when you get a weak moment, just imagine that pair of skanks laughing at you as they fucked

not a nice image is it ? You can bet it happened though

did they ever do it in your bed ? I bet they did that too

I am so sorry to sound so harsh, and I honestly do not shout "leave the fucker" in every scenario of infidelity, but this one for me is beyond forgiveable

Thanks for the posts, I have read them all a few times and spent the entire day thinking of all the crap stuff (rather than the nice stuff from years back! lol)

And Anyfucker you were more right in your post than you know lol. They did im my house, went on little outings in my car and i have seen messages that two'd and fro'd discussing me so its not as though it was something where there was not the thrill of it being in my face...

Thanks guys im now back! so think i need a more fitting username as im no longer feeling fluffy or a dreamer!

look into my eyes, not around my eyes...

< clicks fingers >

and you're back in the room...

I thought I would be correct fluffy re. the using laughing at you as some sort of fucking awful aphrodisiac

any bloke that would do that deserves no forgiveness

did you have dc together ?

Good on you.

Yes, namechange to something strong and funny. You must be strong to have kicked him out, and I can tell by your posts that you are a funny, vital woman.

Lol, and Thank you MMeLindt , Yes AF I have DS and DD who are still fab as they no nothing other than Dad loves them very much but has to move to his on house and wasnt that going to be exciting as they would have two rooms then. (the PG version of your dads nothing but a heartless scrote! and i have kicked his arse out ) which must say was damn hard to maintain) i knew enough details to last me a lifetime they dont need to know it.

So new name give me some suggestions i need a laugh - strong but funny..

AllergicToScrotes

ScroteKicker

FuckTheScrote

too ass-kicky for ya ?

Liking fuckTheScrote lol i will start a new thread on this! that and a glass of wine could be a giggle ! hopefully see you all there