When is the "right" age to marry?

[eatsshootsleaves]

I was a young bride and do not regret my decision one bit. When I was engaged, I got mixed reactions from my contemporaries. One memorable one was "shit!" much to my dismay.

For some reason, I get a bit sensitive when someone says xx is too young an age to be married. Why? You can get married with consent at 16 by law.

We got married the month we were both 21. We had a flat, jobs and were madly in love. We have now been married nearly 39 years, have a son of 32 who is engaged and a daughter of 24 who is unmarried. Only one of our circle of friends has been divorced.

Doesn't really matter as divorce carries little or no stigma these days, marriage is much less of a lifelong commitment then it used to be.

Can I v politely say that everybody with aunties etc who married at 19 and are still happy 50 years later, it's not comparing like with like.

Times, expectations and gender roles have changed dramatically since then. Nobody in my grandparents generation in my family divorced, but I think that says as much about the social mores of their generation than it does about the 'happiness' of their marriages.

Obviously many of them were very happy, but many were just doing what was done at the time.

Damn right, MZ: - people who have been married for 50 years would have married young because that was what women were supposed to do then - an unmarried woman of 23 or so would be getting heavy hints dropped on her almost daily.

"Doesn't really matter as divorce carries little or no stigma these days, marriage is much less of a lifelong commitment then it used to be"

Maybe not the stigma but for me it is still a lifelong commitment

I met DH when I was 15 and we got married when I was 18. Im now 25 (will be 26 in a few days!)
I dont think there is any right age, more that there is a right time.
(that probably doesnt make any sense to anyone else but me, but hey ho!)

59 is a good age, because then you can access each other's pensions.

Sorry Morriszapp but my marriage was undertaken as a lifelong commitment. In fact all my married friends undertook it as a lifelong commitment. I do not know anyone who married with the idea that they could jack it in if it did not work out.

Newpup: Well quite a few people do marry with an awareness at the back of their minds that they can get divorced if it goes wrong. There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that.
Mind you, referring back to MZ's other comment - one of the main reasons so many people married so young 50 od years ago would have been that they were desperate for sex! The risks and stigma of sex-for-pleasure were so huge that people would rush into early marriages with people who they fancied the pants off but who were not really suitable as longtime companions - and misery followed in many cases.
I don't think early marriage is necessarily a bad thing, though I do remember reading about some 17-year-old girl in (probably) the Daily Mail wittering on about how she was about to marry and would be happy and proud to be nothing more than a little housewifey and thinking, well you'll learn. Probably within 6 months.

I was married at 23 the first time. Lasted a year. Ex DH apparently expected me to turn into his mother the minute the ring was on my finger. And as his mother was a Laura Ashley wearing knitter/embroiderer who had NEVER had a job, that just wasn't going to happen. I'm 41 now and have never taken up knitting by the fireside! (Not that I see that as a bad thing...) He gave me an ultimatum - be a "proper" wife, or go. I couldn't pack fast enough.

Second time I was 36. DH and I don't have the perfect relationship, but we (mostly) want the same things and accept each other for what we are. I love him to pieces and can't really imagine being without him.

Whilst I agree that there is no 'right' age to marry, the rather unfortunate thing is that divorce statistics are really not on your side if you marry young.

I did an extended piece of research on this whilst studying for my degree (god only knows why I chose this as a subject) but the results were quite startling.

So, on average, roughly one in every two marriages ends in divorce, but this statistic is not evenly distributed. Unfortunately, the two main influencing factors are age at time of marriage, and household income (the younger you are, the lower your household income tends to be, so these two factors tend to aggravate each other).

Of course, there are a whole pile of other factors (previous divorce, children out of wedlock etc) and there are always those who buck the trend, marry at 18 and are together for life. Sadly, the statistics do still show that being young at the time of your marriage is the main influencing factor in your chances of divorce by quite a long way.

If you marry below the age of 25, your chances are slightly increased, then for every year below 25 you were, the stats really shoot up.

I guess this is why there is still quite a lot of prejudice against those who marry young.

Apparently people whose parents are still married are more likely to stay married too.

Maybe other people attitudes have a contributing factor too.

I have noticed Christian couples tend to marry younger but I'm not sure whether there i less divorce. I know there is some but I would have assumed (maybe wrongly) there was less.

woah I would say getting divorced is a major issue, surely most people get married thinking they are making a lifelong committment? Even if you don't have children/mortgage etc tying you together, the huge change in mindset and the hassle and heartache of divorcing must still have their effect?

I was 23 when I married DH 3.5 years ago, we have 14mo DS together. This has def been the hardest part of our relationship, turns it all upside down and inside out, but I reckon that would have been the case no matter what age you get married/how long you wait to have children. Turns out keeping our relationship good is much easier than I stressed out it would be - just keep being nice to each other!

Weird though, even when friends have got married since we were, I automatically think they're young!

"If you marry below the age of 25, your chances are slightly increased, then for every year below 25 you were, the stats really shoot up."

Surely if you get married young then the divorce statistics are bound to be higher because you are likely to live longer?

Bronze (hello - waves!!!) is dead right. All of this 'I needed to do my legal studies and buy a flat' just smacks to me of people marrying purely because they think their body clock is ticking. What if you meet the right person and he wants to marry earlier? Do you dump him and go out with losers before marrying someone who is less right for you.

People go on about if you marry young you change. That is true but successful young marriages involve the people growing and changing together. If people get married later they can be too set in their ways. With unsuccessful young marriages the people grow apart instead I think.

I got married at 23 and have been married 8 and a half years. Some people were horribly negative (although thankfully not those who actually knew us both lol)

Also def agree with girl with mousy hair. We had first baby with nearly 8 years of marriage behind us - in a way waiting longer is harder because you are used to it being the two of you and the childless twenties freedom (yes despite being married) lifestyle.

The attitudes that I see in RL towards marriage are very different to those I see on here or in the mainstream media.

In RL it is usual to get married young (teens or early twenties) though in about 50% the man is between 3-10years older than the woman.

It is usual for a woman to leave home to get married or (more commonly now) to move in with someone.

About 10-20% of those I know have been divorced .

The marriages I know tend to be based on equality which is seen as especially important when kids arrive. Inequality is seen as one of the markers of domestic abuse or a bastard. For example a man who refuses to make his own dinner, do his own ironing, or be an equal parent to his children (taking on 50% of the responsibility). Women tend in about 50% of the relationships to be the higher earner. And it is seen as standard for a woman to work (I don't know any who don't).

Also lack of belief in soul mates is usual. I only know one person who believes in 'the one' and many who believe that you find someone compatible.

This is across a wide age range. But then most of the people I know live within 5 miles of where they were born and yet the impression I get on here and in the media is that most people live across the country from where they were born/brought up.

Ideas on marriage in RL are very different to what I read on here or in the mainstream media. Where marriage seems to be something you do when you have completed everything else you want to do in your life. Which is a very weird idea to me. I can understand waiting to have children once you have got married as getting established in a career etc or just wanting to have a childfree life for a while. But this idea that being married is something you do when you have got bored of doing everything else is odd to me.

I can understand someone who is not interested in monogamy full stop or who does not want children. I can understand those who only meet bastards until later in life. But not the idea that you could not possibly want to settle down till later. The idea that a partner would hamper your lifestyle seems alien to me.

Though I am not as intolerant as one person I know who thought people who didn't settle down/have children till 30s or 40s were just too picky (though she was an odd one with some very odd ideas).

It seems I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I could appreciate a good one.
So early 30s for me.

Brettgirl, I think if I met the right person and he wanted to marry earlier, I'd just keep it to 'partners' until our lives were more settled - knew where I'd be living, finished travelling/qualifying etc

Of course that is an option but I personally don't see marriage as a curb to my freedom in any way. If it was then I'd never have got married regardless of age! That said we were both settled in 'proper' jobs and had a house at the time.

Secondcoming - how is it ridiculous to change in the same or compatible ways? I doubt my experience is entirely unique. I think you just didn't meet the right man till later.

I don't see marriage as curbing freedom either - I just sort of meant settled in ourselves. Knowing what you want.

I think (as with everything important) it depends a lot on the individual. For instance, the right age for me to marry would be... oooooh.... howabout NEVER! I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. However, dear friends of mine married in their early 20s and recently celebrated their 20th anniversary, and my DB is getting married this summer at the age of 42 and seems very happy.