do you think this set up is fair? (duties/sleep related)

[Zooropa]

I think DH and I are both in a situation where we feel a bit hard done by - sp I'd like some perspective please! I know every partnership is different but I'd be interested to know peoples thoughts.

DH works 5 days a week, I work 2 days.
We have a toddler who still doesn't sleep well. He is breastfed, but this is not the only reason he wakes - he's just a bad sleeper.
Our current arrangement is that I do pretty much all the night duties every night unless ds is ill when I have help administering calpol etc.
We have one lie in each at the weekends. If ds wakes up in the week before DH needs to get ready for work, DH gets up with him most days (I do maybe once a week if he wakes early for 4 days in a row!)

Housework - I cook every day and do all washing, dh does cleaning up after meal, bathing. We try and share the cleaning but I probably do a bit more. When we're both at home DH probably does 60% of the looking after DS - slightly more than me because I get 3 days off with him in the week - this isn't planned obviously it just works out like this! Dh does all the diy, we also have cats and we share the cleaning out of the trays etc though dh probably does it slightly more.
DH gets time to himself in the evenings after ds has gone to bed, I do at the start of the evenings but often go to bed early as I know I'll be up in the night. I also have DS's nap times (1 hr a day) on my days off- I usually do stuff for half of it and veg/snooze for half of it!
Do you think this sounds fair or if you were either party would you feel hard done by?

Oh to add the early mornings in the weeks are usually only 15/20 mins before dh would have to be up for work anyway

Sounds ok - what do you both want?

I think we both want more sleep/more time to ourselves!! But I would be happy enough with this set up if I felt he appreciated more the fact that I do all the nights. I just feel like he begrudges getting up with ds on his mornings!

I see. Well we all want more sleep But maybe you could suggest a swap for a week to see which he prefers

It's annoying isn't it. I resent DH often because sleep is the area where he really doesn't pull his weight so i guess I think you are doing quite well - and competitive tiredness is quite common! I think you both need to just accept that there is less sleep to be had these days and whet there is you need to share!

Thanks. I have suggested a swap but he says ds wou't settle for him in the night! I know it's not a massive problem but I see my brother - with new baby and toddler - doing loads in the night and up with toddler at a ridiculous hour happy as anything - but I guess that's unusual, dh is pretty goosd really

thanks

Kwym about the competitive tiredness!

How much does getting up in the night entail? How many times, for how long, and how long does it take you to get back to sleep?

I think what you have sounds OK and reasonably fair, but if you are both unhappy try tweaking it a bit - say two nights a week you split the night duties so one person does before midnight and the other does afterwards. Try talking about what you both really want to do with your 'me time' (running/reading/baking/swimming) - talking about it makes it more likely that it will happen, I find.

I think it sounds pretty balanced. You could tweak it by saying whoever has the lie in at the weekend also gets an undisturbed night to go with it? Then you get one night completely undisturbed.

We both go one evening a week, me to pilates, him to bridge club and that is really good because it is proper time away, and even though I get more jobs on the evening he goes out, I also I get the house to myself for a while. Would that work for you?

How old is DS, do you want advice on the sleep problems?

I think this sounds very fair - i would happily have swopped waking up in the night for getting up earlier in the morning. I worked 3/days a week and did both and all weekends [doormat emoticon]...but enough of my resentments.

Do you bf at night? could you swop?

I suspect the grass is looking greener for both of you. You can always have another dc then you will look back and realise how soft you both have it now

how old is your toddler? have you tried to get help with his sleep problems. you must be worn out i got advice for my ds sleep problems when he was 14 months i couldnt get up through the night anymore i was exhausted. if its any concilation the advice actually worked. good luck

Thanks for the replies. Getting up in the night - it varies, some nights just 2 wake ups, a quick bf then back to sleep (yes I do still bf at night). Other times, awake 5 or 6 times, staying awake/unsettled for about an hour at a time for a couple of the wake ups. A night undisturbed sounds good but sometimes ds just wants a bf, and now he's used to me doing all the nights daddy just won't cut it even after a bf!

I definitely know what you mean about another dc - we wouldn't know what had hit us!!

He's 19 months, I don't know how to help with the sleep apart from leaving him. He's in our bed sometimes but still very unsettled. We've tried tweaking temperature,clothes, everything but he is such a disturbed sleeper.

Sounds quite fair to me and similar to us, except that it's pretty much always me who gets up with DS in the week. DP has offered to do it sometimes though.

have you ever tried controlled crying or is it something you just dont agree with? i was against it for ages but got desperate and tried it. my ds was up 6 times a night. cc worked for my ds and it only took 5 nights

Hi

Oh the memories your post brings back! It will get better...I used to hate people saying that!

We ended up doing alternate nights while my husband worked full time and I was SAHM. It was only for a couple of months but I just could not cope (babe did not sleep in day). Alternate nights; one did before midnight and then again form 6 in morning while the other did from midnight to 6. It meant we each got an undisturbed 6 hours alternate nights. Probably does not sound fair in our circs but it did work for a while when we needed it most!

Good luck being that tired is really hard for both of you.

Sounds pretty fair to me.

Wanting more sleep and time to yourself is just part of being the parent of a toddler as far as I can tell.

You could do with a couple of nights off if at all possible, at the weekend maybe?

Will your toddler take a bottle of EBM so your partner can have a go at settling him in the night?

I think it sounds fair enough, tbh. When I was on mat leave, I did all the nights because dh had to get up for work.

Now it's me that works full time, and although I get up sometimes, if ds/dd are ill or whatever, if it's a case of a bad dream or a wet bed, if we both wake, I would expect dh to get up.

In fact, after re-reading the OP, I would say you have it more than fair.

I think its fair for both of you. My DD is 12 weeks, and I have hae rday and night during the week as I don't work. My DP has a very light sleep so if he wakes up he wouldn't go back to sleep so I sleep with DD in her room. At weekends we started doing one night each, on his night he would sleep at her room so I had a full night undisturbed {{bliss}}. Now she sleeps on her own and we can share the marital bed at weekends, and each time she wakes one of us gets up. But I don't like that as it means we both wake up everytime, so I am going to propose the "one in her room each night". I hope to be able to sleep with daddy when she stops waking up so often... {{finger very crossed}}

Meant "have her" on the first line

This is similar to how dh and I divide things. Our 2 dds are a bit older now but dd2 (2.5) isn't a great sleeper and prefers me in the night.

To be fair I thought my dh was great (he is, and friends that know what he does agree he pulls his weight) but he does less than your dh.

What I love the most is time "off" at the weekend. I might take them on errands (supermarket) and he reads the paper at home in peace (we have a very exciting life!!) Then later he might take them to the park (even if it's cold) and I have a break. If he is out longer than an hour then I often get on with house type jobs, freeing us up in the evenings to spend time together.

If only...mine are 10 and 12 now but I have effectively been a single parent for the last 12 years! Even now, I have to leave the house before he does anything for them. A few years ago I occasionally went to the gym after work and got back around 7 or 7.30, only to find that although he had picked them up from after school care, he had not bothered to get them any dinner

The sharing of duties as such sounds ok to me. Nice to hear about such a good strong partnership!

However..to be perfectly honest I would feel very hard done by if our 19 month old toddler was waking up so frequently.
Maybe your dh is just grumpy from the long-term sleep deprivation?

Dw breastfed dd1 until she was 2 and a bit but not in the middle of the night.

There are a number of softly softly sleep training methods like gradual withdrawal, might be worth looking into.

I think it sounds fair. But work on the sleep, definitely! You must be exhausted. (((unMN-style huggers)))

Are you against dummies? I bought this Sleepytot Comforter after hearing rave reviews on MN, and it stopped DS2's night-wakings completely, overnight, boom.

I think it does sound fair.
I am SAHM and do everything. Which is fair enough now, but looking to go back to work, and I know I would still have to do it all.
A proper lie-in sounds like heaven!