MIL on edge over H's behaviour - struggling a bit

[tiredofthesnow]

Slight namechange but I'm sure some will recognise! Have been trying to navigate some kind of amicable relations with MIL after I split with H earlier in the year. He was a prize arse and I've spared her the gory details (due to family history it would be painful for her to hear) but she knows most of it. She wants to continue a friendship with me as usual (mainly I'm sure to safeguard her relationship with the dc's) but on the basis that she never comments on H. She got slightly hysterical earlier on, and squeaked that maybe I was just better cutting contact with her if that's what I wanted (I don't, we've got on well for years.)

Problem is, she is forthright and opinionated in every other way, and about everyone else in the family. H has always been the favoured son and it really gets to me that she can't and won't take a stance on H's behaviour, even though she would on his siblings. I don't and wouldn't expect her to say any more than that he's behaved appallingly. That much is very clear from what she knows of the situation.

I think if she can just once acknowledge this, I can move on. If not, I can't. I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I can't get past this at the moment and don't see how we can resume a friendship with a giant elephant in the room.

Maybe this just needs time. Any advice welcome.

How about outright asking her

"Do you think H has behaved appallingly?"

Then she only has to utter the word "yes"

That might work.. it's all I need to hear.

I know she has to be loyal, but I object to the hypocrisy of dishing out judgement in every direction but at H.

This kind of situation needs advanced diplomacy skills..

Perhaps the statement before the question needs to be diplomatic.

"I know you don't want to discuss what has gone on with H, me neither afterall he will always be your son and you will be loyal to him but .........."

How her world must be shattered almost as much as yours

I can't remember your usual name but vaguely remember the situation IYSWIM

She is really shaken by it all. I've never heard her in such a state tbh, she's normally a really strong, vocal person. (and a PITA because of that sometimes!)

Have said I will go over to see her later in the week, will give me time to consider what I want to say before then.

The rest of the family are also finding her attitude difficult, they can't understand why it's being swept under the carpet.

sound crazy I know but perhaps take her some flowers and just state "I know how terrible you must feel that x has behaved in this way - shocks you to the core doesn't it"

I reckon she is probably heartbroken at what he has done to her as well as you & the dcs. I think she is more likely to be open if you show that you understand how much she is suffering/struggling IYSWIM

That's a really nice idea SleighGirl, I may well do that. I know she really appreciated that I chose her Xmas presents, and got her things I knew she'd like. I think she'd like flowers too.

you know what? maybe she is trying to set this rule as much for herself as anything? maybe she is so appalled by his behaviour that she feels she can't make a comment for fear of what might come out of her own mouth?
Maybe she is afraid she will say things she will regret. or that yuo will say them back to him?

She might be wiser than she seems.

To be honest I think you should judge her by her actions rather than her words. Actions are what count. And, if I remember correctly she and your FiL came to see you first to get your side of the story? They haven't put a foot wrong have they so far?

They are good to you and good GPs to your kids and you need their support. I understand why you need to hear her say it but you should try to get over it I think. Maybe one day she will say it.Let it be in her own time.

Maybe she doesn't want to comment as she is hoping the two of you will get back together again.

Oh well I am coming from this from another viewpoint!
I have no contact with my XMIL for very similar reasons to above, not only did she not take a stance on XH's behaviour, she seemed to condone it (insisting I drop charges, telling me I had changed etc)!

If I am honest, and I think I know who you are, I am about 2 years ahead of you in this process, it wont get any better but worse!

No matter what you do, I thought my XMIL and I were friends, but in the end "blood is thicker than water" and this is her son!

Dont beat yourself up, the problem is hers not yours, and FFS dont grovel to her, he has treated you appalingly she should be apologising for his behaviour not excsuing or ignoring it, dont buy her bloody flowers!

mrsboogie, thank you, that's really perceptive and helpful. I'm sure you're right.

Feel better about it today. I think time and some distance are going to be the best healers here.

I don't think you can expect her to comment negatively on her sons behaviour, esp if she doesn't know the extent of it. Perhaps her facing up to how her son has acted, is not something that she wants to do. Maybe if she admits to herself that he is not perfect, she may feel that it is somehow her fault, mothers guilt? I don't know, am just making suggestions......

My DH could commit murder and MIL would still think he is the most perfect human to ever walk the earth and that everyone secretly aspires, yet fails miserably, to be as amazing as him. Not saying your MIL is like that, but I know that some are.

I'd try to maintain a reasonable relationship with her and keep the personal stuff out of it as much as possible. This would include you completely ignoring any comment good or bad that she makes about her son. Hard to do but it makes you the better person and gives her and your children a great chance for a nice relationship.

You know he is an arse and that is what matters, everyone else needs to discover that for themselves or keep the blinkers on, their choice.

She probably feels awful and doesn´t know what to say.

It´s not her fault, is it?

I´m not exactly sure why you want her to take a stance,tbh.

At the end of the day he is her son & she´s not going to disown him or start criticising him to all and sundry.

If you get on, don´t spoil that.

Thanks everyone, the sticky issue here is that a very similar thing happened to MIL a long time ago. In that case her MIL actually did disown her son, and completely took her daughter in law's side. I wouldn't ever expect that, but neither can I accept the "well, we really shouldn't judge" attitude.

I think I'll just have to steer through it. There's no way I wouldn't want her to have a relationship with the dc's, but she can be a difficult woman, and I no longer feel obliged to tolerate some of her more challenging behaviour for the sake of being a good DIL. Time will tell.

Macdoodle, appreciate your perspective on this. I know what you've been through and totally understand that it was right for you to stop contact.

You sound a very level headed and fair minded woman tiredofthesnow and so I am sure you will sort this out. I am a mother of grown men and of course a MIL and a GM. Not sure how I would cope in this situation but think I would have to acknowledge that my sone had let us all down (or something like that) but I don't think I would want to get into much more debate - trouble is the love for our kids doesn't lose its intensity when they are grown men.

I agree with Mrs Boogie - your MIL might be struggling far more than you realise to come to terms with the way her son has behaved and maybe acknowledging it to you is just a step too far at this point in time.........though that might come. Agree that there are ways of getting her to acknowledge that he is to blame without actually expecting her to state it explicitly if you see what I mean. She might be beating herself up, blaming herself for her son's behaviour (she brought him upo after all) and I'm sure I would be thinking this way if it were me. That adds another dimension to it really. Thinking you might have been an inadequate parent is scary - I sometimes think back and think of times when things were tense when my kids were growing up and it hurts because you can't do anything to put things right. I think all parents of grown kids feel like this sometimes but then you look at your grown men and see they are good partners and fathers and you breathe a sigh of relief that you were a good enough parent. This isn't the case for your MIL so she may be suffering - I don't know of course and sorry if I'm on the wrong track.

Hope this all gets sorted anyway