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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a mess, don't know what's best :(

49 replies

purpleflower · 04/01/2010 13:12

Me and DP had a really bad patch about 4 months ago, we argued constantly and just never listened to each other. I had PND and was really struggling. He moved out but we have still been together. We were getting on really well and I felt alot better. The last month or so we started to argue again

On the 27th I read a text from a girl saying how she would love to meet up with him at a pub. I asked him to leave. We talked it out and he explained that she is just a friend and I 100% believed him. I wanted to talk to him new years but he said he didnt want to talk. He took DS back to his (his parents) and left DD here in bed. He bought DS back at 11.50 and woke me up but he hardly said a word.

We spoke on new years day and I told him why I wanted to talk the day before, that I loved him and i was sorry for over reacting and that I wanted to see the new year in with him. He said he thought thats what I was going to say which is why he didnt want to talk to me. He said that he still loves me but that we can't be together at the moment, he still wants to be my best friend but he doesn't want a relationship with me but he thinks he will in a couple of months.
I told him that I can't wait around for him, I can't build myself back up on my own for him to then decide I am good enough for him. I also told him that I can't just be his friend because I love him too much.

I promised myself long before we got together that I wouldn't let someone keep walking in and out of my life after my ex spent 2 years picking me up and dropping me when he felt like it.

I'm an absolute mess, I love him so much. I've lost the man I love and my best friend. I have no one

I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life telling him I can't wait for him but I don't want to be even more hurt in a few months.

I'm sorry it probably doesn't make much sense but I just wanted to write it down as I have no one who I can talk to about it

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 04/01/2010 14:30

On his phone AF. ...probably not so much of a hijack as you may think .

...because I checked his phone for probably the very same reason purpleflower checked her OH's -a sneaking suspicion? Something wasn't quite right.

I only ever checked his phone twice throughout our relationship together, the first I found OW had been added (in all innocence according to him, of course) and the second, well I've already mentioned the outcome.

overmydeadbody · 04/01/2010 14:31

PurpleFlower I agree with AnyFucker.

You are being far too naive, all men are capable of cheating, don't think he is different (all womnen are too). And as for the text , where did he copy that shite from?

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 14:31

bloody hell, what a fucker (literally)

eco, god are you well-shot

sorry, OP, will shut up now

< as you were >

overmydeadbody · 04/01/2010 14:31

Oh my gosh Eco, how horribel, and how sleezy and low for him to video it in the first place! You're well rid.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 14:37

< links arms with omdb for support at how fucking horrible some men can be >

EcoMouse · 04/01/2010 14:42

My point purpleflower is this, not I or any of our mutual friends (some of whom had known him for over a decade) though him capable of doing this. We were all wrong.

(LH, AF, OMDB, yes, very well rid. He's not so accepting of this fact but with luck, in time, it will sink in. Onwards and upwards!)

Original poster
purpleflower · 04/01/2010 14:59

I'm so sorry that happened to you EcoMouse

I've just asked him to come round tonight so we can talk again.

I need to try and get myself sorted out, my poor DCs shouldn't be seeing me like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleflower · 04/01/2010 15:01

I forgot to say thank you for listening everyone.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/01/2010 15:03

I accept what you are saying Purple about your genuine belief that it is you who has been picking arguments, but think back for a moment - what have those arguments been about? Have they been about his behaviour - and he's reacted badly to you picking him up on it and so it descended into an argument?

When my H had an affair, he pretended to himself that I was being critical and nagging. We didn't argue as such, but having been married a long time by that point (and also being a bit older, perhaps) we tended to resolve conflict in a calmer way. So I can remember lots of times when I would complain that he was hiding himself away, falling asleep for long periods, not pulling his weight, speaking to the children harshly etc. In the old days, he would have seen the truth of this and apologised immediately. During his affair on the other hand, he would react defensively and angrily, leaving me to think "WTF, why am I the bad guy here, when he is in the wrong?"

Please challenge your belief that there is no OW. You must have had suspicions and instincts to check the phone. Believe me, anyone is capable of temptation and the relationship you're describing prior to finding that text sounds like the perfect breeding ground for an affair, in the sense that you had PND, were feeling low etc. This does not justify an affair whatsoever, but I'll bet that's how he's justifying it to himself. It's much harder for people to justify behaving badly if their marriages are just great, so they either set about reducing them or find reasons, even when there aren't any reasons, other than a bit of boredom and the fact that a cast-iron opportunity has come along.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 04/01/2010 15:07

Whether or not he is seeing other women, he is NOt That INto You. For whatever reason, he thinks he can 'do better' (not saying that there is anything wrong with you at all, more than he has an inflated idea of his own wonderfulness). So he is going to look around a bit but he wants to keep you hanging on as a source of meals, childcare, laundry and probably the odd shag if he looks at you meaningfully and hints he might be thinking about coming back.
Honestly, forget the idea of this man as a partner and work on drawing up the boundaries of a co-parent relationship ie when will he see DC, how much he will pay towards their keep, and sort out any housing issues. THen tell him that you have decided the relationship is over, no need to drag out the agony, and here are the new arrangements, nd stand firm otherwise he will mess you about for years.

Original poster
purpleflower · 04/01/2010 15:13

I only checked his phone because I felt it vibrate in his pocket while we were having a cuddle, we've never had anything to hide It's just something we have always done, only that morning my cousin text me and he read it. I did find it strange that it was on silent but I didn't even realise till later when he answered a call. The woman he was texting is a married work colleage.

The arguements were very similar to how it always was, just picking at little things, me moaning etc, I admit too that I told him a couple of times to just go home, he doesn't live here anymore. He said he doesn't want to move back in and me kick him out again. I asked him to move out before to give me a bit of space but I never intended finishing it forever, within about a week we were back together. I never asked him to hang around for months.

2 months ago his mum almost cheated on his dad and his dad told him everything as it was happening, after his reaction to it all, I honestly dont think he could do that to me

So now I'm 23, with 2 tiny kids, on a shitty estate with neigbours from hell all on my own

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 04/01/2010 16:45

My X's father's affair blew his family apart when he was in his teens. He always appeared to be vehemently opposed to philandering and the people who did it.

My intention isn't to stamp on every hope you raise but some of the things you have raised are things which lulled me into a false sense of security too.

You are only 23! You have your life ahead of you. You have two wonderful children who are small enough to make it through this relatively unscathed. These are positives!

Take control, don't just go with the flow of his whims and whishes. You can turn your life around, right now. Please do

...As for being all alone, IME it is much more of a life than to merely exist in a place of uncertainty, confusion and doubt.

overmydeadbody · 04/01/2010 17:36

You're only 23 purpleflower, your life hasn't evne begun!!! You have so much ahead of you, please don't waste any more of your life on this man who isn't that into you, as Solid says.

He is just using you until something better comes alonbg, please just dump the guy properly.

Original poster
purpleflower · 04/01/2010 17:51

We've been together for 5 years

I've never felt so lonely

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 04/01/2010 17:55

So this is your only relationship then so far?

Seriously, leave this man and get some more experience of relationships with other men. And rediscover yourself.

Original poster
purpleflower · 04/01/2010 18:00

I was with someone from 16-18 who was alot older, he screwed me aver big time. Picking me up and chucking me whenever he felt like it. Thats why I said I wouldn't wait around, but I love him soo much I don't want to let go

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 18:25

let go of what ?

you may not actually have a choice in the matter, purple, if he decides the grass is greener elsewhere

and I reckon he is mowing another lawn somewhere...

come on love, get a grip

and don't you dare beg him to make a go of it with you

dittany · 04/01/2010 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
purpleflower · 04/01/2010 19:06

We've been together for just over 5 years. We moved in with each other and got engaged quite quickly. We had DS a couple of years later and DD a couple of years after that.

During the middle of last year I was struggling with PND which he really didn't understand. I asked him to move out and we agreed that we would start again but he wouldn't live with us for a while.

He's been living with his parents for 4/5 months now but coming round everyday. For the past month he pretty much moved back in only going back to his parents to sleep. For the past month since he pretty much moved back in we have been argueing more but as I said it's mainly me picking the fights. He has said he doesn't want it anymore, we work better as friends but that he wants to give it another go in a couple of months.

Problem is that I don't want it. I love him and want my family back

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleflower · 04/01/2010 19:09

I should say we were still a couple after he moved out, it just gave us a bit of space and i didnt have to clean up after him

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 05/01/2010 11:32

Purple, was wondering how you are getting on? Did you discuss things further with him last night?

Original poster
purpleflower · 05/01/2010 11:58

We had a good long chat, we are going to start again but I didnt beg lol. I trust him 100%, always have

There are things to work on for both of us but hopefully we can get it back on track.

Thank you for all your advice and experiences yesterday, I really did listen and it did help get things into perspective

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 05/01/2010 12:14

Good luck with it all

Never forget that you and your children deserve absolute respect and adoration. Accept no less x

AnyFucker · 05/01/2010 12:19

good luck purple

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