Can I offer some advice for anyone struggling with the aftermath of their partners affair...

[StirlingInDaSnowDrift]

Over two years ago I found out about my h's affair and, in the early days, as you may imagine, I was distraught.

A friend advised that I keep a journal and write in it whenever I felt like it. It was a massive help and to date I have filled a whole note book. It is sort of like downloading everything in your head. It gives you a chance to reflect on what has happened and, sometimes, put things into perspective.

I gave up on our marriage at the beginning of last year but, because h lost his job (directly because of the affair) we decided to carry on as normal in the house with the dc until he got another job. He is still looking for another job.

He now wants to give our marriage another chance and I was starting to feel unreasonable about not wanting to. But I went out on my own yesterday, took the train to Edinburgh to do some well deserved sale shopping and I took my journal with me (I hadn't written it it since giving up). I read through what was in there and amazingly I had forgotten some of the shit things h had done. It doesn't seem possible, but I had forgotten the night he told me he didn't want to be my husband anymore then turned over and went to slepp, leaving me sobbing.

I had forgotten the day he told me he would rather leave the family than not speak to his ow again. The human mind is a weird thing. Rather selective in what it remembers.

It was a reality check and I no longer feel unreasonable.

So, keep writing - dont forget. It does really help

I tend to come down a bit harder on my exH for knowingly upending the lives of his own children, although he blames me for the divorce for responding the way I did to his treatment of me. His version of events is that I chose to respond to what he chose to do -- the last one to know turned out the lights, so to speak. But then he is a self-absorbed conscience-free zone. and , but mostly , even now.

That is a hard one to come to terms with mathanxiety, the fact that they knew their actions would change the direction of their childrens lives forever.

Maybe we expect them to have the same emotions and feelings that we have. Is that unreasonable??

Having come from a broken home myself the very, very last thing that I wanted for my dc was to have the same shit that I did.

Sorry, not sure who it was, but someone earlier in this thread mentioned finding out about their h's autism - Well I am convinced that my h has similar problems. His reactions to simple emotions have been very weird. I think he may be aspergers - not sure really. I think I need to read a bit more about it.

Thanks for your last post whenwilli - I have found all of your posts very helpful and knowing. I truly hope that all is now well for you.

Have to agree that writing is not only cathartic but can be very enlightening to look back on.

I wrote a lot of my angst out poetically and some of the stuff I wrote has since been bought and published. That was a strange one because obviously what I had written was highly personal ...but it's comforting to think others may have benefitted somehow and actually, in some sense it was quite healing for me to release the contents in this way.

Stirling, he should be bending over backwards and I would tend to think (as I did with my X, who displayed very similar behaviours) that if he was absolutely genuine in his intent, he would do so.

Having children is actually part of why I would not take X back. Not only did it make his philandering seem so much worse (why could he not have considered them, if not me! Was my thinking at the time) but also because I do not ever want them to think his kind of behaviour is something they should ever have to entertain within their future relationships.

Been lurking a bit here but just want to say that I have found so much of what people have said so interesting - and making links with what has happened to me.

I am now divorced (still seems very odd to say that) having had to leave my abusive (won't go into details) XH last year. In many ways it has been really quick - fled (literally) at the end of May, divorced by the end of Nov - on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. But it had all been so wrong for so long - years - that in a way it is just the culmination of a long long process during which time I have 'tried again' over and over again.

Sorry - rambling here - but just wanted to say that diaries or some kind of record do help. For example - I have had, in an odd way, an OK Xmas - my XH actually spent Xmas day with us and it was OK and he was sweet and I spent quite a few days after Xmas day sobbing under the duvet wondering whether I had done the right thing. But I have!! I just needed reminding....

Anothermum92 'last year and the divorce process was tough, but well worth it I think and feel I now have a new lease of life.' Could have written that myself!

mathanxiety 'he blames me for the divorce for responding the way I did to his treatment of me. His version of events is that I chose to respond to what he chose to do -- the last one to know turned out the lights, so to speak' Oh yes - I can't have any problems with what is going on because I chose to divorce him - he still doesn't really take responsibility for the fact that it was his behaviour forced me to do leave - I could not let the DCs live the life they were. He does say he will never forgive himself now but I think that if we were stll together nothing would have changed.

Stirlinginasnowdrift yes - what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. And I still have to work at it - as evidenced by my sobbing under the duvet episode (luckily the DCs had lots of lovely presents to keep them happy and I managed to convince them that 101 Dalmations was soooooo sad!) But again - diaries help (I kept one originally to try and shock my XH into changing his behaviour - then I kept one for my solicitor as it were) or very loyal friends who will remind you of what you went through. I have a small group of fabulous friends who have supported me. There are also a lot of lovely people who had no idea as (and is this others have experienced?) I was so ashamed that I kept up the pretence of a perfect marriage (and boy was that a strain!) but I have enough people who could and still can bear witness to my pain - and they aren't the 'string him up by the goolies' type of people - they are actually quite sad for my XH which makes me more confident that they are not just telling me what they think I want to hear.

Too much rambling - have had a long day up to my knees in snow and have rewarded myself with a restorotive glass of vino - but thank you everyone - am I correct in finding this thread quite positive?

Not sure that 'restorotive' is quite the correct spelling but what the heck!?

Hi neverjam, thanks for your post. You sound a bit further down the road than me. You sound very strong, to make the decision to end things. It is ok to feel unsure sometimes. You must know deep down that you made the right decision. I am sure your dc will appreciate what you did.

I get annoyed with people on here saying they would rather stay with someone for the kids sake. I grew up in that sort of a relationship and can report it is shit!!

Kids aren't thick - Because of my background I am very concerned that my dc don't see this relationship as "normal". I have spoken to them and told them that we are having problems. Weirdly enough, I have asked them since if they want to talk about it but they don't. I think they may believe that we will work it out but I dont see how at the moment.

Can agree neverjam that we keep up a pretence with people around us that all is well. I have one or two good friends that know about our problems but, until we are ready to split, I dont think it will help the dc at all if everyone knows about our problems.

I agree that this thread is positive. It really helps to communicate with others who are going though, or have been through the same problems, and have come out the other side sane.

I will never truly come to terms with what I have done to my children in breaking up the family but unfortunately the alternative - staying together for their sake - was even worse. Sometimes we find ourselves going down a path that is totally not what we either expected or wanted but that doesn't mean that we can't make it a good one.

Because my kids witnessed a lot of the chaos and, in many ways what could be termed, abuse, they understand to some extent why I have done what I have done. They don't like it (esp my DD who has been very very tearful and so unhappy at times) but they have always gone out of their way to let me know that they don't blame me. And I have been so careful not to ask for this - I don't want them to feel like they have to take sides. They are great great kids and I am very lucky.

Had a lovely FB message today from a friend of mine from overseas whose XH had an affair and thus they divorced. Part of it read:

'I know what you're talking about....a new life is waiting for you even if it is difficult and tiring , it's wonderful to simply feel alive'

A message to lots of us I hope!!!!

neverjam - you do sound strong.

Why cant you tell your children your version of the truth though?

My h had an affair - we are still working through this. Not for the sake of the children but they were a factor.

We have both been open as to what happened - without blame i think too. But for me it was important that they did know that affairs happen, and that is was totally my h choice to do this to US (yes he did treat the children very badly during this time too - missing some of their school events with the excuse of having to work).

The facts are there - according to their age we told them what they wanted to know. My h has had to work to rebuild their trust too.
Things are very different in our house now and i do think the children would agree that in many ways they are better.

What i am trying to say is sometimes i think it is ok to 'blame' - my h has taken responsibilty for his part and so the children have learnt that we all need to admit to our mistakes too and not just blame others.

I think they too have learnt a valuable lesson by doing this.

HappyWoman - that's really interesting. I guess I have absorbed a lot of the 'don't make your children take sides' or more simply put 'don't slag off your EP/H in front of the children' and I do still subscribe to that as I think it can be 'unseemly' ! But you make a very liberating point which is good to hear. My two are quite realistic about what happened - my DS is very protective of me and really supportive. I think that my DD being younger still wants to believe in happy endings and, more importantly, has to try and believe her Dad when he says that he has changed. What has to happen from now on is that they have to make their own relationships with their father unaided by me constantly trying to excuse his behaviour and frankly lying about what was going on in order to 'protect' them and try to maintain their faith in their father. They knew what was happening anyway - certainly in the last two or three years. Sadly, without my facilitation, there is not a lot of hands on interest from their Dad currently - he says that they have to make allowances for how bad he is feeling at the moment and how he is struggling because his life has fallen apart (and theirs hasn't - although because I instigated the split it is my fault in his eyes and, I have to say, a little in mine)

Ah well - we have just all eaten our bodyweight in pancakes and are now off out to throw snowballs. As my friend says, it is wonderful to simply feel alive!

Oh i do agree - what they need to understand is that it was his behaviour not everything about him that destroyed the marriage.

A good friend of mine split with her h many years ago because of his affairs and still he blames her for not having him back - the children now see this but it was hard for a long time for her. She tried to be civil to him and not slag him off but he never really told the truth to the children and is still very bitter.

They will soon find their own way.

Enjoy the snow.