AnyFucker where are you my love?

[hobbgoblin]

I neeeeed you

I am here

me too

I got asked for on a thread today...I was most bemused as I am not exactly renowned for serious advice. Fortunately some sensible people showed up.

I saw that BOF lol

gobby, whaaaassssup ?

Oh hello

Thought I'd gie it 10!

DP - it has been sooooooo good for a long while and now it's not. I think.

Can you be arsed to advise?

of course, I could try

and BOF will help I think

and of course, the rest of the might of MN

All advice appreciated but most people are bored probably. I think, you have stamina on relationshipos topic

Hi BoF, you are good at this too.

Okay, well we've been hunky dory for some time now. We have found our groove I think. Living separately but spending time in each other's houses. His divorce is well behind us and he has been a totally changed man. Loving, supportive, listens, talks - all the stuff he wasn't doing when I was carrying on clinging to a relationship that was going nowhere for about 18 months while he sorted his life and head out.

Since we got this way, (which took some time) it has been effortless and fun and he is the man I met and the man I want. He isn't without faults but neither am I, but we resolve all our issues now without issue. The children have bonded with us and each other ( he has 2 from previous marriage and I have 3).

Anyway, today, almost totally out of the blue he gets cranky after we have spent about a whole week living under one roof (6 children at some points ina 3 bed house) because of xmas. My 2 dS have been a nightmare and were naughty for the babysitter last night DP had had enough, then baby got much more poorly with her cold so we were up all night and then this morning the DSs did a VERY naughty thing and got super told off by me in front of DP. This utterly spoilt everyone's morning and DP got a real grump on. So I challenged him on this and it all came out.

He doesn't want this relationship, with all the children runnign about and the fact that we can't do anything because we can never get childcare for all of them at the same time plus staff cover for the business so all our weekend as a couple pland have gone to dust for months, we never shag because always too tired. He's had enough and wants out.

That's it. Last week we were plannign next xmas and our Feb and summer hols now nothing.

Wtf???

oooooooo well I'm probably n ot the best person to take advice from - so I would rather take what I say with a very large pinch of salt.

BUT - you're "happily living apart" relationship sounds just like H and I in the months before we decided to give it another go.

It's also where I'm optimistic the relationship is going to go back to once he's moved out again in the next few weeks/month or so.

Now - obviously this doesn't apply to everone, but I think H and I made a mistake making us a couple again, sticking as good friends would have been SOOOOOO much better..........

Well - like I said - I'm shite at this stuff (obviously otherwise I wouldn't be back where I am now just 2yrs after finding myself in this self same position) so feel freely to TOTALLY ignore anything that could sound remotely helpful in that post

ohhhhhhh, the curse of Xmas

with festive knobs on for you two

new relationship (well, new version of old one), various kids, all under one roof, overtired and overstimulated kiddies, overtired and overstimulated grown-ups etc etc etc

I saw your other thread re. poorly baby, btw, must be a worry for you

are you all still together or has he gone back to his place ?

do you think he is serious he "wants out" or just wants that calm place you were at pre-Xmas ?

I would say to him to wait a week after you are back in your usual routine and then talk about this again

Oh dear always. What a shame for you too.

What made it not work for you? My DP had just started talking about living together again too though I wasn't pushing for it, it was kind of nice to hear. Made me feel quite comfy and settled.

I like my 'issues without issues' line above

oh gosh - mind is a whole lot more complicated that yours - rather too long to go into on your thread

But lets just say it's almost certainly TOTALLY different from you and your DP

AF probably has it spot on for you - Christmas/post Christmas/end of holiday stress

I think christmas does bring out the "bloody hell all i want is a little peace ffs!" side of people.

I know i am sitting here finally in quiet after a hectic xmas with the kids full of chocolate and other half pissed on cider!

Now they are all in bed, i've tidied up (well the front room anyway) and its bliss.

I agree with AF that maybe all he needs is for the routine to get back to normal and hopefully you guys will be ok again.

Unless you think this is just an excuse for him to leave?

Thanks AF. I spoke to his first wife today about it and she reckons he is just scared having found himself in a full on family set up again all of a sudden for a few days at THE most stressful time of year as you say.

He sounds very convincing but when he gets afraid of where he is heading I think he is convinced he wants to run away very fast.

I don't know how long it will take for him to stop feeling the 'fingers burned' feeling.

I think now he trusts me not to be all gold-diggery as his 2nd wife was and we have moved on from that worry but I do think he is afraid of the whole family commitment. That;s not very good is it when there are 6 children to consider?

I do think at times like this he has some growing up to do. He can't use the excuse of being a man. He is a father and he is acting like a child himself right now.

I won't be able to change this about him so if I am in the position to choose whether to carry on with this in a week or so then I'd have to accept he may run scared a few more times before we are finally 'there' with our relationship.

I just don't knwo how much leeway to give a man who has on one hand proven that he can come good after getting a huge stressor out of the way (his divorce battle) but who on the other hand seems to think that I will carry the can while he freaks out when life gets too much for him along the way.

I feel for him, he was nearly brought down entirelt by his divorce but I'm not going to be a doormat either.

How many wives has he run through?

Didn't he know there would be Christmas, children, three bedrooms, etc? What did he really expect? The fact is that there is a full-on family set up all ready made, both his and your children. How come he hadn't noticed this before? I would take his expressed desire to run for the hills seriously. I think you are very smart to be determined not to be a doormat, and I don't think you should hold your breath waiting for him to get his act together and learn how to count children and start being realistic about combining them and life as a couple.

Maybe you do want different things HG?

For eg, in the future I may well want a partner again but I can not see the day when I will want a husband/father type within my family set up again.

It may well be the stresses of Christmas that brought on his dither, if not then he needs to be clear about what kind of relationship he is working towards with you and you have to be clear about your expectations.

well, you know I do know some of your history with this man

and you articulate it perfectly, but then you would because you had to deal with this when he cut and ran last time

you seem very in tune with where you are at...much more than him

it seems you are the strong one, the together one in your relationship...can you deal with that always being the case ?

he brought you very low last time...you are much stronger now, but who wants to always be the that person ? Sometimes you just need someone to say "I will sort this out, don't worry"

I think you do need to let the dust of Xmas settle, but there will always be stresses in life. Talk to him in a few days.

in the meantime, think about how much more and for how long you are prepared to keep making excuses for him.

yes, it was getting good before Xmas, but how easily he can bring it all crashing down

that is not a safe or happy prospect for you is it ?

and btw, people are not bored of advising you

you sound lovely

if he doesn't want it what's the point? how can you bear the insecurity?

why should you have to coax and cajole and wait for him to come round to things?

can you accept a relationship where you live separately forever?

I would take the man at his word - he can't hack it - it isn't what he wants.

AF speaks wise words there about whether you can cope with always being the strong, stable one

Awww thanks AF.

Thanks everyone.

He has been married twice Math. 2nd wife he divorced last year around April time and I've been with him since they separated two years before that.

He had a pretty appalling upbringing and tragically lost his mother just as he entered adulthood which must have some bearing on how he handles relationships but at the age of 45 I'd hope that he might have better resolved his personal tribulations. Anyhow, I'm not into saving anyone or being either punchbag or counsellor to any man again (done that!) I just consider that a reference point and feel that we all learn as we go along. I'm still learning how to handle my relationships in light of my own slightly crappy upbringing and think it's fine to be shoddy at times if you struggle to leave the past and its effect on you behind. He really lsitens to me now and moderates how he handles things that I don't like and I do the same. I can be intense and afraid of rejection and he can be so self sufficient as to be ruthless and selfish and we are good at dealing with these things now on the whole.

However, as AF says, it does tend to be me being the most tolerant and 'together' when the going gets tough. I am a lot stronger - more emotional, more easily hurt perhaps, but actually a lot stronger than he is in that I don't use everyday shit that happens as an excuse to fall apart or be grouchy or distant or flighty.

I guess I like being the strong person so long as I feel the bits I like exposing as my vulnerable side can be exposed in exchange for love and support. When we had our really tough times any weakness I showed was seen as a failure and I got zero support with my problems because it was all him him him and his divorce and financial ruin, repeat until bored of hearing it... Now he tries to resolve stuff for me, help me out but it is still more give from me and take from him because he is obsessed with avoiding financial trouble to the point where he spends so much time on this he is exhausted and rarely around.

I'm not really sure how much is acceptable when you like being the capable person in a relationship. I've been married to a man who was less inclined to depend on my good nature, and I didn't really like it. I could have counselling to resolve what I suppose are control issues but even so, this is the person I am so I could only moderate that and not change entirely.

And just to answer boogie, you totally have a point. I'm not very black and white though, I live in the grey shades! So, to me it isn't that cut and dried.

My version of the same situation you'd probably take more literally than me is that on one hand he is saying this to me, on the other we have spent many happy months together just doing our thing and I've been happy with it depsite imperfections and he has too. It works, it provides a good basis for our daughter's upbringing in that she enjoys us together and happy...but when he is still capable of doing this uncertain thing then just how valauable all that is to our dd is brought into question.

No point getting her all settled into having Daddy around if he might run off any old time. Who knows whether as the dust settles further he may stop reacting like this occasionally.

Oh, AF, DD is asleep but coughing still, thanks for asking. He is at home on his own but came up to see us early evening and attempted to fix my washing machine.

hope DD is rallying this morning

Any clarity for you regarding his nibs ?

Good luck and remember what matters is you first and foremost, then your dc, then him. And his well-being should be pretty far down in your priorities.

DD is just wailing very weakly now.

DP is not saying anything much really as he's at work but is bright and breezy on the phone as though nothing's happened as usual.

I wouldn't let him get away with his dramatic pronouncements as if nothing has happened

Very unsettling for you, and totally un-necessary to upset you so much

was drink consumed ?