Has anyone had counselling to work through their individual issues regarding relationships?

[aSilverLining]

I have left my emotionally abusive ex (woohoo!) and am now single.

I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again in the future, and think I need to work on this with a counsellor. I want to look at what happened in relationship, why I stayed so long, etc, etc. I am currently reading bancroft book and a couple of others and this helps but not totally.

Plus my mum is a toxic, manipulative, emotional vampire who I have regular contact with, and my dad is an alcoholic abusive paedophile who I obviously have no contact with (haven't for nearly a decade). I think I also need to work on this with a counsellor.

Has anyone had counselling, what have your experiences of it been??

Are you my twin, Silver???!

Yes, yes, and yes again. To all the above - and your suspicion that the issues are connected is 100% correct.

There, you've already cracked the hardest bit! You're on your way to healthier, happier relationships with saner people. Hurrah

Go and see a few counsellors. Pick the one who strikes you as the happiest & sanest.

Well done

Yes, I have. The British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists has a list of accredited people so you can look up counsellors in your area: www.bacp.co.uk/

The best thing is to ring up and arrange an initial session with a few different ones and see whom you get on best with - both as a person and in terms of their technique/approach. It's quite weird and intense telling your "story" to a succession of strangers one after another but it's worth it to make sure you get a good match.

Counselling/therapy of this kind usually costs about £30-£45 per 50-minute session, though some therapists have reductions if you're on a low income, and some (not all) will do an initial session for free. You can also ask to be referred for counselling through your GP, which will be free, but there'll probably be a wait and the sessions will probably be limited to a set number/approach.

Both times I've done it I've found that it was actually helpful to be paying for it - both because it meant I took it seriously and made an effort to get the most out of it, and also because it changes the dynamic a bit. You don't worry about "wasting their time" when you're paying for their time yourself!

Good luck with it. I was really sceptical to start with but it's helped me a lot.

Thanks for these replies

Oh yes I know it is all linked to my childhood, it is scary how alike my ex and my dad are, but how did I pick him, he wasn't like it to begin with obviously or I wouldn't have fallen for him. Maybe it was more he picked me I don't know....

I also need to talk through with somebody what I am going to do about my mum. I tried working throug the toxic parents book (have tried a few times over last few years) and found I can't do it, it's too overwhelming to tackle 'alone'. However I am also finding dealing with her overwhelming so need to do something about it.

Have looked on BACP, there are two listed in my town, one charges huge rates, other reasonable and mentions concessions so have emailed her. Hopefully will be a good 'un!

I am willing to pay as yes as you say pyschologically I feel it will help with how I approach the sessions (I am on income support ATM so will want every penny to be worth it) . Have asked GP to refer me to a counsellor before and after waiting ages saw a general member of the mental health team who sent me away with a reading list. I already have a library card thanks.

In terms of seeing a few to see who fits best it doesn't look like I have many options in my area so will try this first one and if I don't click with her wil then have to reinvestigate.

GOod luck. There is a strong possibility that your abusive X did pick you - abusers can often smell vulnerability and target it. SO the fact that you are going to sort all your issues out and that you have recognised them is going to be excellent armour against any more tosspots in the future.

thanks SGB

Yes I want a good man in the future who treats me with love and respect, no more tosspots thankyou very much.