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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you or wouldn't you?

15 replies

shoppingmad · 02/01/2010 21:08

To cut a very long story short I am after some advice.
My sister is struggling through a marriage break-up and has been left with 2 young children to bring up. As a family we have told her that we are here for her at any time, give her unlimited help with childcare and have been non-judgemental about her behaviour post break-up( lots of drinking and partying, not coming home,neglect of her house and herself)
We feel as a family that after a year of watching her do this that something has to stop in the way her life is going as her kids are being neglected.
She often drinks in the day and has no problem with having the kids around her but they are watching her self destruct.
We have lost the ability to reason with her about her behaviour and the effect on her children- I worry about them every day.

I am at the point of calling social services to report her. Would you do it?

OP posts:

purplepeony · 02/01/2010 21:10

How old are the Dcs?
What kind of help are you giving her?

I might call SS as a very last resort- but not until as a family we had done everything we could for her.

thelunar66 · 02/01/2010 21:10

No.

LetmethroughpleaseIamadoctor · 02/01/2010 21:11

Have you had a frank talk with her about her behaviour?

Original poster

shoppingmad · 02/01/2010 21:14

The kids are 2 and 4 so need a lot of input. We give her all our free time just to get her through the day.
I can't bear to see her or the kids like this. We sat with her as a family over Christmas and told her all our concerns VERY frankly, she stormed out saying we don't care or understand.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 02/01/2010 21:33

Could you accompany her to her GP- she sounds as if counselling or possibly AA might be appropriate?

LetmethroughpleaseIamadoctor · 02/01/2010 21:36

Well I think I'd try and get her to doctors/support/counselling etc first. Difficult though, esepcially when there are children involved, poor things. I'd have to be at the end of the road with her and know I'd tried everything else.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 02/01/2010 21:56

Another option is to stage an intervention. This is usually done with an addict (and by the sounds of it she is definitely abusing alcohol, if not addicted to it).

This is where a group of concerned people (family, friends) confront the person gently but firmly, each giving their personal experience of the person's drinking, and (if you can all agree) suggesting how the alcoholic can take steps to get help, i.e. enter rehab, call the AA helpline.

It worked for my sister. It has been over ten years since we had an intervention for her, and she hasn't looked back.

Good luck.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 02/01/2010 22:00

How about posting this on the Health thread? You might get more targeted advice there ... Just a thought.

picmaestress · 02/01/2010 22:25

Calling SS can start a spiral of terrifying over-involvement, plus it'll destroy your relationship with her. BUT, it's irresponsible to leave tiny kids in a perilous situation, so this is a really tough one.

You're going to have to keep trying, but with some urgency. Could one of you move in, or persuade her to cohabit with you while she sorts herself out?

It's pretty bad, if she doesn't bother coming home sometimes, jeez . Does anyone else realise apart from you and your parents? Is their Dad not around?

purplepeony · 02/01/2010 23:03

Maybe you have to threaten her with SS as a means to getting her to understand how bad this all is?

As a family, you could talk to AA and see what they suggest.

BooHooo · 02/01/2010 23:11

She is not coming home? That is v serious.

If she was too far out of it to listen to reason then yes I would absolutely. The fact that she has been going out without returning home is the thing for me.

EcoMouse · 02/01/2010 23:19

It sounds as though you are enabling her self destruction. Harsh but possible.

Doing the right thing can quickly have the adverse effect and become an active supporting of someone into a poorer situation.

While she has so much support (of the wrong kind) she has no reason to stand on her own two feet - While there are people on standby to take over her parenting responsibilities, she has no need to do so herself.

She isn't a bad mother, in the sense that she knows her children will be well cared for by 'someone'.

She does need to knock daily drinking on the head, so many 'would be' fantastic mums end up leaning on it in the face of a reality they find too much to bare. Bastard drink!

Retract your current babysitting arrangements, create limitations and stipulations that encourage (force!) her to take responsibility. If she is not coming home at all, she is taking the piss. Tell her that her children miss her! Because I'd bet they do.

StanleyFletcher · 03/01/2010 00:22

This is a difficult situation! What do you want from social services? Is it help for her or for the kids? Are they well feed, thriving and clean? If they are then there is probably no chance that they will be taken from her (this happens a lot less often than people think) but they may be provided with a social worker who will keep an official 'eye' on their well being as well as giving her some help and support.

You can call them anon and tell them about the situation and get some advice about what would be likely to happen if you made a report. Could someone move in with her for a while and help her to get to a new starting point? Maybe she feels very overwhelmed and would find things easier with a clean house, laundry and ironing done and a fridge full of food and cooked meals. It sounds like she needs prof help with her drinking and her GP can point her on the way with that.

Be very sure of your decision in your own mind. I am not saying don't do it but make sure that it is a last resort for you and that you have some idea of what to expect will happen. Good luck!

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 03/01/2010 02:16

SS should be the absolute last resort. Because, while there are many great social workers who would be able to offer constructive help, there are also a lot of them who are either officious petty tyrants or fucking idiots, and once they have become involved, things can spiral hideously out of control ('non-compliance' with professionals, no matter how fuckwitted or downright nasty the so-called professionals are, can lead to further interventions). As others have said, perhaps first try withdrawing some help while keeping an eye on the situation ie not being 'able' to babysit so much yet checking she isn't just going out and leaving the DC alone.

ShinyAndNew · 03/01/2010 02:24

GP for depression. Definately not SS. I was reported to SS for doing similar while I was depressed. They made the whole situation 10 times worse. I nearly had a nervous breakdown and was put on even more pills.

Though like SGB says, my SW was a twunt. They are not all like that. She pretty much assured me if I did not comply to her every whim, she would take the children away from me, just like that. Which obv I now know she cannot do, but it was bloody scary at the time. I didn't sleep more than 3/4 hours a night for weeks making sure everything was being done just the way she wanted it.

It took about 4 months for me to pull myself together on ADs, but I am sure it would have been a lot less, if not for SS.

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