Going to need support over next few months

[CuppaT]

Hello all

I have been on MN for sometime and a lot of you have been fantastic in providing advice and support to me.

Anyway New Year, New Me (hopefully)!!

I wanted to get Christmas and New Year out of the way and am now making arrangement to leave my P.

I am 99.99% it is the right thing to do but from experience (we have split a few times in the past) I am worried I am going to miss him and get back with him. I'm annoyed with myself for feeling this way as I am so fed up with his bad moods etc but I've been with him for just over 10 years and I guess it's what I'm used to and perhaps I'm a bit scared of being on my own?

I do have RL support with my parents, sister and friends so I'm hoping that this time I can be strong enough for it to last.

I have applied for housing and the tenancy on the property we jointly rent at the moment ceases at the end of February so I am being given a deadline.

I'm so fed up with him shouting at my DS (not his but DS calls him Dad, we've been together since he was a baby) and losing his temper over silly thing. I'm tired of his picking at the condition of the house when I KNOW it is clean and tidy. I'm tired of catching him going through my phone and FB account (which I've now cancelled as was fed up of seeing it on net history). I'm tired of the negativity all the time and I'm sick of having to ring him before he gets home to find out what sort of mood he is in!!!! I'm fed up of his stuck up family and fed up of him putting my family down!!! Lots of other reasons too. (sorry just wanted to get that down)

I really want to be on my own but I want my DCs (my DS and our DD) to be happy and I'd like it to be civil but doubt it will be.

Just starting this thread as I think I'm going to need some support and I'm going to be going through some tough times soon.

Thanks all x

I am in no position to offer the support of the whole MN community, I am a mere newcomer. But what I have seen in the couple of months I have been around, you will have support here, by the bucketload.

If you feel you are doing the right thing, then you are. You sound very "together" and have obviously thought about this alot. Focussing on your children's happiness is paramount.

It can be civil. My divorce was and the relationship I have with my ex continues to be. But we have had to work at it. And at times he has infuriated me to the point of wanting to throttle him. But I have always done it behind the bathroom door so the children are unaware.

Keep posting and the help and practical advice will continue to flow.

Fingers crossed for you

xx

at image of BigBadMummy throttling her ex in the bathroom!

CuppaT, it does sound like the right thing to be honest. He's had a few chances when you split before but he still doesn't seem to "get it" ("it" being how to behave like part of a family, and he's had ten years' practice to no effect so it's most unlikely he ever will). You already know you can survive in practical terms without him, it's just the emotional vacuum that's hard to cope with. Like giving up smoking: it isn't good for you but you still miss it, so you have to find something to fill those moments when you would normally have reached for a cigarette. Your family sound great; lean on them all you need to.

A secure, loving partner would be pleased you had a supportive family. He had to put them down because he knew they would give you strength and he needed you weak.

You have a chance to break this bad habit - grab it with both hands!

Thank you both. Yes I am 'together' I suppose but I have many weak moments.

I sort of feel sometimes like I should be grateful for what I have, then he has one of his mood swings where I seem to be the brunt of his nasty comments and am called all the names under the sun and could burst with the feel of wanting out.

I struggle with what people will think of me, you know, two kids, two dads and a single mum again. Never married. Social housing, claiming benefits (although I work 4 days a week), all the stigma that comes with. I'm worried kids with taunt my DCs.

I feel so strong sometimes and other times could crumble .

Cuppa, there is no stigma anymore, please dont worry what other people will think.

If people think anything it will be that you are a strong and independent woman who put herself and her kids first.

And you showing your children that it is not acceptable to just be happy with what you have if it is not what you want, deep down.

"People" wont know that you were never married or that your children have different dads.

They will see you for the fabulous mum that you are.

You shouldn't be grateful when it isn't too bad. People aren't perfect and neither are relationships, but it should be good nearly all the time, with the occasional low point (because life throws stuff at us from time to time) which you work through together. There is no excuse for it being like this. He is making a bad thing out of what should be a good thing, and your best efforts cannot make up for that because it takes two to create a partnership.

Gosh, never mind what "people will think". I bet you would find a lot of their schoolfriends come from single parent and other various shaped families. Depending on the area you live in, it's also possible the majority of parents (or significant minority at least) are on benefits. If their school has a good student support section, how about discussing it with them in general terms? Tell them your relationship is coming to an end and you are worried about any possible impact on the DCs' schooling. They may be able to reassure you and provide any extra support the DCs need. Don't be afraid to ask for help wherever you need it.

It's a funny sort of pride that fears being seen to be alone by other people, but accepts a situation where he wears the muddy boots and you play the part of the doormat. That's a bad dynamic, don't you think? People are not doormats. Your family know you are worth more than this, and you need to believe it too.

It does not matter what people think. Far more important than being married or having the same dad is having good parental role models who teach you how to have fulfilling and happy relationships.

And as for yourself - the one thing that everyone deserves is to have a partner who is kind and supportive and who wants to make them happy. You do not have this and your DP has shown himself incapable of being that man. A man who calls you all the names under the sun does not love or respect you, or your children. He is perfectly happy to hurt you - how is that a good person to be with?

Don't waver this time OP - I promise that the only thing you will regret in future is that you didn't leave him sooner.

Yes I already regret not leaving sooner TBH.

I always feel envious when friends tell me things their DHs/DPs do for them and wonder why these things never happen to me.

The thought of being alone is oh so daunting and the thought of what needs sorting is quite scary.

No, I won't back down this time. I'm ready to be on my own. It's just the actual doing it.

The tenancy ceasing will make me do it this time. In the past I've not had that push.

How do you get through this time? You know the breaking up bit? My P is quite a complex, selfish person and I know he is going to be so difficult about everything. Money being the worst subject.

I know it would be so easy just to accept things as they are and let life pass me by but I really don't want that. I want to have lived a decent life, not to look back and wish I'd done things differently.

The thing is I know I'm not perfect and P makes my weaknesses such huge issues I find it hard to look past those and believe I deserve more. I find it hard not to give myself a hard time and believe I shouldn't suffer.

I really want to be a good Mum, so much, my DCs deserve that and I want them to be proud of me.