Is it really me

[lorrycat]

DP and i have been together for 8 years. I've posted on MN recently about problems.

Basically i feel like DP has taken me for granted our whole relationship. We now have 17mo DS and have moved back in together after a 5 month split.

I've never known a couple to argue as much as we do. DP always admits he doesn't make enough effort with our relationship, helping out at home and making time for us etc etc. However things never seem to change. They maybe do for a little while and then it slips again.

Thru all this i have developed depression and have attended therapy and been on meds for the last 1.5 years. It really gets me down sometimes to only be 26 and be on antidepressants. This year i was determined to come off them and hadn't taken any since Xmas eve. Been have withdrawl symptoms: bit ratty and occasional fuzziness in my head. but nothing major.

However it seems that DP is using this as a scapegoat for anything that happens with us. i didn't tell him until 2 days ago that i had stopped my pills, and since then its all i've heard: "coming off them pills makes you..." etc etc.
We have had 1 session of relationship counselling and even during this session all he came out with was "your depression....".
Yes, i am the first to admit that depression will have its toll on any relationship. But i am so resentful that this seems to be used to blame everything on - ie i feel like he is blaming me on it all, even though his taking me for granted led me to being depressed in the first place.

So i am so full of resentment and our rlationship seems to be getting worse. There is barely any communication, we don't make an effort with each other any more, no quality time, no socialising, no sex for 4 months. I can't help but think htat there has got to be something better than this. DP says i'm an unhappy person and no matter what he does, he doesn't think i will ever be happy. However admittedly he says he hasn't even tried to see if his theory is correct.

Right now, as hard as it seems, i don't feel the relationship has anythig left i can give me. I am devastated by this, but don't know what else to do. LEaving him before nearly killed me and i know it would be even harder this time. But i don't know what else to do...how can he tell me he knows he doesn't pull his weight enough, but refuses to becuase he is certain it wouldn't be enough for me anyway???

I am not a selfish person, i do a lot for him and others. I am a spiritual and forgiving person and have been thru a lot in my life... i don't know where he is getting this assumption from.

Is it me?

Without wanting to be rude or nasty but you really do need to ask yourself "Why did I marry this man in the first place?" and secondly "Given all that seems to have happened why did I have his child?"

Did you think marraige would change him? Did you think having a baby would change him?

What do you mean by "taking me for granted". Think of examples that you could share with him. "I am disappointed when you ...." or "It upsets me when I do X but you don't seem to notice".

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

So he won't work on your relationship or try to improve it (bar empty gestures) and he tells you it's all your fault because of your depression.

No love, I don't think it's you

first of all, a very unmumsnetty because you might not want to hear what i am going to say. I also could be wrong.

I have been in a very similar position to you - depression and anti depressants for a long period of time. My DP will do the very same thing if im stroppy "have you taken your tablets" i sometimes want to bash him over the head with something . And yes, when one person has a mental health problem it is very easy to blame everything that goes wrong on that - i even do it myself. It is of course incorrect and hides the main issues.

Heres for the bit you wont like - WHAT are you doing just stopping your medication young lady????? Have you done it gradually? or have you just stopped? I am going to make this year the year that i stop and have sort of been going every other day, but i stopped that because i noticed that whilst i seemed energised etc i would be arguing with DP more on those days. I need to find another way.

What i am saying is, i dont know about your relationship, but i think you need to just wait and see for a bit - your post reads very much like somehting i would post on my no tablet days, thats not that it isn't absolutely valid but i can just spot the tone of it iyswim.

Im definately not saying its you, but i dont think you can think 100% clearly until you have your meds out of your system - i dont think a week is long enough.

Then as someone else said TALK TALK TALK.

It is NOT you, but right now, your feelings could be a result of you coming off your medication - i suggest you go to the doctors and ask what they suggest, i suspect they will tell you to hang in there and you'll be fine.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion...i don't know what i was thinking stopping my tablets cold turkey. I guess i was having a strong moment and my doc always told me the tabs i am on are not very strong and not addictive (citalopram 20mg) so i thought it would be ok.

I agree with you that i don't think i can think 100% clearly atm, hence me posting on here. But i have to say that i've talked with him until i'm blue in the face with no avail.

Armadillo...you hit the nail on the head using the term 'empty gestures'. that feels exactly what happens. He promises me the world and says he will be more helpful, more attentive, spend more quality time with me, work on the lack of sex thing...and then it never happens. I think he believes that by addressing it verbally that its all the effort thats needed to fix it. It all seems really lazy to me because he says he 'knows' he doesnt' put enough effort in...why why why stay with someone you are not prepared to put effort in for???? His answer to that question was that he is 'content'.

He must be content with having a nice clean warm home to come back to every night, dinner put in front ofhim, dishes dones. The only thing he has to do is his own ironing and thats because i am crap at ironing so he does it himself.

But what about me??

I stopped 20mg of cit (having cut down slowly from 40); it was a mistake. I have relationship problems that are NOT due to depression but nonetheless my relationship took a dramatic turn for the worse when I stopped. I am not back on 20mg each day and we have a bit of calm if not content. We are going to do some relate in the new year...and I am convinced now that I should not reduce or stop the ADs again until we have done this.

It is NOT your fault, but you might find you can address some of the problems if you can get things on a more even keel with your emotions. that is what I am hoping anyway!

Hope this helps - you are not alone and not being daft! I would get back on the tabs for a few eeks if I were you - oh and we have the same disagreements about 'effort'. My other half thinks he does not need to make any effort at relationship, he believes that love is a thing that exists or not, not an action that needs to be taken. I have come to understand love needs work - he has not. I just wonder if you are in the same bat here as well? I am hoping relate will help.

Sorry - this post has turned out to be about me not you! Can you see any similarities though? Does it help?

newnamenewlife...i can certainly see the similarities here so thank you for your post.

It helps to know i am not alone...i have been amazed to discover how many people are actually on ADs...comforting to know i'm not mad, if anything else.

I told myself this afternoon that i wouldn't go back to the next conselling sesion becuase he is not putting any effort in...now i don't know whether or not to follow thru with this. Maybe things seem worse when your emotions are all over the place.

What a way to start 2010

Things really do seem worse when your emotions are all over th place - but that does not mean things are really good and it is your perception that is off! If you decide to do the couples counselling some more just maybe you will be able to see what is good and what is not without blaming yourself (or the tablets!)?

Just a thought.

You sound like you are actually a strong person having a crap time to me.Ii do hope the next few months are easier for you.

citalopram is not addictive, however it does need to be stopped slowly. Your doctor has not misinformed you but he should have made it clear that you are not to stop abruptly especially after being on the meds for a long period or time. I would go back and tell him/her how you feel and maybe go back on 10mg - 20mg citaloptram is NOT a low dose, it is the average dose.

Get back on track and then see how you feel maybe

DP came home yesterday afternoon from work and took one look at the place and said 'have we been burgled again?'. I told him 'no, this is what the place looks like whenever i don't lift a finger here all day'.

I didn't have the heart to do anything yesterday and i think it shocked him to see what would happen if i don't tidy up etc. So he proceeded to wash up and give the place a once over with a hoover etc.

I don't want to have to go to these extremes to make him see how much i need his support. As much as i want his help around the home i want him to be here emotionally for me as well.

Is it too much to ask for the odd kiss and cuddle and sex now and again?

At the risk of upsetting you, your posts do seem to be all me, me, me.

You are just 26. You should not be on ADs, as you say.

You need to separate out your relationship issues from your depression.

I know you have given a long list of what your DH does not offer you- but what are you OFFERING HIM?

IMO it was not unreasonable for him to mention your depression during counselling-it is a major factor in the relationship.

You wrote this: even though his taking me for granted led me to being depressed in the first place.

Have you got unrealistic expectations of marriage? Maybe he feels you take him for granted too? Is he working full time? Are you a SAHM? Are you doing your bit? Or are you expecting to be put on a pedestal? It doesn't sound as if you are very loving towards him.

Interesting that your posts asks is it me? because I'd say yes, a lot of it is you. I think you would help from going for counselling on your own, and also to Relate later on. Also, I'd ask your GP why you ca't be given CBT therapy instead of ADs- it is better for many people.

You can't demandlove. You get it back by being loving.

Your DH probably feels alienated from you, confused, and angry- you are not the person he married. Look at it from his side for a moment. If there is no communication between you, and all you do is blame him for what you are not getting, how can you expect him to be loving? It has to happen outside of the bedroom first.

Purplepeony...the reason that my posts don't contain any information about what i give to relationship is because DP and I have both agreed in counselling that i do a LOT for him.

I am not SAMH, I work 20 hours a week. I am a very loving and giving person and i feel taken for granted because of the fact that i put so much in and don't get enough back.

In our counselling session we were each asked to give examples of how we are made feel loved by each other. DP came off with a whole list of things that i do for him such as..letting him have lie-ins because he works long hours, bringing him cups of tea in bed, never going to bed without saying i love you, preparing romantic dinners, suggesting nights out together, suggesting he go out with his friends, putting blankets over him if he falls asleep on the couch etc etc.

When the question was turned on me I found it very hard to answer it because there simply wasn't enough of him doing things like this for me. So i think i am being loving and therefore i don't thinks its unreasonable to want love back in return. Its not that i want to be put on a pedestal, as you call it, but i just want to feel like i have someone who appreciates me.