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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

wife in crisis

17 replies

AnnieMJ · 01/01/2010 22:42

I am married for 12 years. We have 3 fantastic children whom we both adore. He is a good father and they idolise him.We don't sleep or eat together. We speak functionally, I have stopped trying to have conversations with him as they always end up in arguments. If I disagree with him he'll flare up or walk away. He is extremely negative, critical of everything and I just feel worn down. my heart is heavy all the time. I'm an anti christ with the kids, taking my anger out on them as I dont want another argument with him. He wont go to counselling but would "fight me tooth and nail with every breadth in my body" for the children. He has totally killed any love or respect I had for him. I dont love him AT ALL, I wish I did as it would make life so much easier. I want us to split up but he wouldnt leave so we will be stuck here until the house sells which will be forever. I feel I'm cracking up

OP posts:

KristinaM · 01/01/2010 22:47

Have you put your house on the market?

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now

BitOfFun · 01/01/2010 22:51

You could separate but still share the house until it is sold? Separate rooms etc. It sounds like you are doing this already, to be honest. In Britain you can claim benefits etc as you will not be classed as living together as husband and wife. A solicitor may help you clarify your options, but nothing is impossible, I promise you.

purplepeony · 01/01/2010 22:52

Have you got any friends or family you can move in with- or can you afford to rent anywhere with your DCs?

newgirl · 01/01/2010 22:53

relate can be really helpful even just giving you ways to communicate while you separate - surely it is worth one session - neither of you have to commit to more than one - he might find it helpful?

GroundHoHoHogs · 01/01/2010 22:56

So sorry to hear this, it must be literally hell on earth, for all of you. Is there any way at all of trying to get him to see that the situation is so damaging to the DC?

Try not to let yourself be brought down by him, no-one has that right. Has he ever shown any signs of violence?

If not, stand up for yourself. so what if he flares up or walks away, surely if you don't take the crap, he'll get fed up and hopefully leave?

If you are trying to keep things calm, by appeasing him, no wonder you feel like you are cracking up... that's insane. Don't stand for it, tell him to treat you with respect or get out.

You may not like each other, but there is no reason you can't be civil to one another.

hbfac · 01/01/2010 23:00

Can you really not afford to move out and rent, at least until the house is sold?

It sounds poisonous.

You could try BoF's solution.

I think you should chat to someone who knows (C.A. B.?) about the legal position re. splitting up. It might well be you can afford it.

Original poster

AnnieMJ · 01/01/2010 23:04

I think he knows deep down that I dont love him thence his refusal to "talk". About 2 years ago we had the start of a conversation about our relationship where he said he would trudge along until our youngest was 18. Thats another 15 years! I must sound so selfish but I just want ot be able to relax at home, not dread when I hear him coming, being elated if he has to work longer and thrilled if he goes out for a night, which he rarely does. I just want to be able to talk about stupid day to day stuff but family, friends, work is all prettty much off limits as the usual response is a grunt or "I couldn't give a about ...." The house isn't up for sale yet but hopefully will be as soon as I do talk to him. Its going to break our kids hearts but I dont think I should give them the responsibilty of keeping us together... Am I mad?????

OP posts:

newgirl · 01/01/2010 23:10

i think it helps to talk to a real person about this (i promise i am not on the payroll!) - you can go to relate on your own and they have seen it all before and it can help to make your own thoughts clear - so you dont feel mad. As he is not a good talker you can feel, like i did, that you cant talk to anyone about it and things feel worse and worse - maybe book yourself an appt and it might be a relief for you

also this is a classic time of year for relationship trouble - maybe take some time to calm down and take stock? get some sleep and it al may seem calmer tomorrow

hbfac · 01/01/2010 23:11

No. You're not mad. But I'm guessing you'll be deranged in 15 years time.

I think you have to re-open negotiations on Relate. Promise him it's not going to be some kind of orgy of character assassination whereby you simply sit there and list why you don't love him.

Do you have any idea where things/why things came apart?

Relate can be about managing break-ups, and how you live together in the present.

Things are clearly not working now. You both need to sit down and talk. I suppose you'll have to point out how bad things are: It's not working for the dc; it's not working for the pair of you.

However scared he is of you leaving, this situation is not good. So ignoring it all isn't working.

I'm assuming that it is fear and hurt that;s causing his intransigence, rather than some kind of control thing. But that's only going on a read of your post - and I'm not the best for reading carefully.

Original poster

AnnieMJ · 01/01/2010 23:12

I wont go without the children and neither will he and no I have no where else to go that is practical for the children. As we rarely communicate there are no vile arguments for them to witness but we all had to go somewhere today and I disagreed with him about something before we got into the car and he was cursing and the atmosphere in the car was dreadful. The kids saw and must have felt this. Also I did get legal advice and basically we're stuck until the house sells. He doesn't know about this. I went to counseeling on my own once but cant really afford it, with childminders etc

OP posts:

hbfac · 01/01/2010 23:18

AnnieMJ - I think you're stuck in the mindset that you can't leave/can't do anything.

Will it help if I tell you how hopeless the situation you are now in is?

You are not communicating as parents and I can promise you that you are going to start missing stuff wrt the dc. It'll start small, and get bigger. you can't bring up dc the way you are now.

And this is no good for you or your dh as people.

You need to talk. I don't know if your marriage is truly over.

Clearly, you are weighing its continuation, in some form, against some kind of criteria (probably economic) or you would have walked. So it is truly worth a serious talk about what your boundaries are, what is practicable and achievable.

you sound as though you haven't even put the house on the market yet. And you would almost certainly both have equal access to the dc.

Really, you need to get both of you to Relate and take a step back from the seeming overwhelmingness of it.

Original poster

AnnieMJ · 01/01/2010 23:24

Thank you all for taking the time to reply it really helps.

OP posts:

hbfac · 01/01/2010 23:27

And just in case it wasn't clear - it is OK to leave, you know.

A good counsellor will talk you through this.

I have a horrible sense that a lot of women put up with enormous existential misery in marriages, but put up with a draining of soul and spirit because the "fault" is that they no longer love their dh, or are just not happy in the marriage. It makes me sad. Marriage should be a little more than something you endure for the sake of your dc. Important though they are.

Petitioner · 01/01/2010 23:40

((Annie))

It is definitely ok to leave

I dreaded telling the children, discussing it with XH and my parents etc etc etc.
(It was grim)
But once I'd done it... wow. The weight lifted, the sun came out.... I smiled.

My children reacted in different ways but I have no regrets and believe (honestly!) that they are happier.

I was married 'for better/for worse/sickness/health' etc

Great sentiments. Rubbish vow for living a life!! OK stick with the rough times if temporary, but when it's permanent accept the inevitable and change.

It's a tough decision and tough times. I'd have done anything to avoid it tbh. Having gone through it I'd still not recommend it but it beats a permanent dead marriage. Children also pick up on the tension. That's not good.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/01/2010 00:11

Annie - this:
"I'm an anti christ with the kids, taking my anger out on them"
is the only reason you need to make some kind of move - any kind of move, as long as it disrupts the status quo and changes things!

I understand that you feel paralysed by guilt because you don't love him, but your paralysis is harming your children.

Other respondents have said you can go to Relate on your own: also, you don't have to pay any more than you can afford. Please make your appointment. An informed, unbiased perspective is probably just what you need to reinvigorate your thinking.

Hugs.

newgirl · 03/01/2010 20:01

if the childcare is an issue have you considered contacting homestart? they are really good in our area and a local parent, usually whose kids have gone to school, can come and sit with your kids/baby sit/help with jobs etc for free

relate wont charge you if you cant afford it - it has charity status - it has a sliding scale of fees

mathanxiety · 03/01/2010 20:15

The 'fighting you tooth and nail' threat is something that will be tempered by financial reality. He's not entitled to anything more than the average visitation unless you're a screaming nut job and a completely unfit parent. He wants the status quo and is ready to use intimidation tactics to maintain his lifestyle while presiding over a dead and destructive relationship and refusing to do anything to improve it or deal with his anger.

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