Wasn't sure about where to put this - having more than one child when bad relationship with own sibling

[TheArmadillo]

Crap title but only way I could think of putting it.

I am expecting second dc (am prob about 2 months preg but won't know exactly till dating scan in a couple of weeks). I have one 5yo ds.

It's a bit late now but am already panicking about effect having sibling will have on ds (hence the numerous threads I have already started on this subject ).

Basically I have one sibling - a younger sister. We do not and have never got on. This has a lot to do with our parents (who I am not in contact with atm). There is no sibling tie there. We can't be in the same room as each other without screaming. I don't hate my sis. I feel sorry for her in some ways and worried about her in others. But mostly because I feel there should be something there. Any relationship we had as children was based on violence and competition. There have been times we have managed to have civil conversations and even shared a joke - however they are rarities and as good as it gets.

Ds states he does not want a sibling, ever (though he doesn't know he's getting one yet). I know and have been reassured that this probably will change.

Partly because of this there will be a very different age gap between ds and dc2 than there is between me and my sis. There will be a similar age gap as there is between dp and his sis (who get on very well).

But ds will still be the older child (as I was) and I can't help worrying that he will suffer like I did - my parents, not my sister were responsible for what happened to me, but my sister was what they used to do it.

I have (I know irrational) anxieties about ds and how I am ruining his life.

ANyone else been through this?

The relationship your children have will be affected hugely bythe way you treat them as that example will help shape how they treat each other.

When I was small and growing up my parents allowed a free for all. the big ones bossed the small with impunity, they were not actively taught to be kind nor were we told that being kind to each other was a good thing and as valuable as good morals and good manners.
I get pissed off tbh that we now seem to stand back with our hands in the air at rudeness and fighting amongst our children as if we have no control whilst often ( although not always) we can control or minimise it.

You can also control how they view and treat each other by talking to them and shaping things right from the off.

I think if you are assuming that your child will view a sibling as a rival then your job is to make sure you diminish that and add in some positive things.

Make sure that you are involving your DS and treating him as a help and a valued part of your team

DS1 was ten and DS2 6 when we had DD. We talked to them about how they were going to be so important now as they would be big brothers, that DD was so lucky that she was going to have such kind boys to help take care of her. We gave him jobs to do and were so grateful for his help. I talked about how it was going to be loevely to have dd to play with but also how lovely it would be when she slept and he and I could have some time together.

I was very quick to jump on any rudeness or nastiness as they grew up. DD was told stories about how lovely her big brothers were to her. DS1 tells her about when she was born .

I think they need to feel valued independently and they need to feel important to each other. As parents we can help create and nurture that.

Of course mnaybe they will just loathe each other - I am sure that just happens sometimes, certainly people post on here who have done their best to no avail.. But I had terrible relationships with most of my siblings but my children love each other and treat each other brilliantly - even as they go injto teenage years and beyond.

Don't expect the worst

I have one younger brother. We were very very close as children but once I got married and moved away that was it. He is now incredibly selfish and will only do what he wants, when he wants, which does not extend to family.

My mother (in particular) treated him as the golden child/ prodigal son, and has continued to do so. In a family like that the other child (me) is nothing. Because of the way they were with us I was determined not to have 2 children. I originally planned to have just one, then realised that I would have too high expectations of one child, so we decided to have 3. That way if one was the favourite there would be another one to take away the pressure/ pain.

In the end we had 4. Despite our best efforts the eldest left home at 17 and is quite resentful of her younger siblings. She says she isn't having children. But they all get on very well (18 to 23 yo) when they meet up and do call/ visit each other without input from me or DH so we must have done something right.

Looking at this from the other side - I was an only child (still am!) and I used to physically ache for a sibling when I was younger. I had DD purely because I didn't want DS to be as lonely as I had been as a child (and because DH wanted 2 children) ... and I have found that my DS adores his little sister and they are incredibly close. It's lovely.

Yes, it could have turned out very differently, and it still could as they grow up I suppose - but hopefully we are parenting them in such a way that they will know how important their family is, and how lucky they are to have each other.

Teach your DS and the new baby that siblings are something to be treasured. And then you'll be glad you had number 2.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

"When I was small and growing up my parents allowed a free for all. the big ones bossed the small with impunity, they were not actively taught to be kind nor were we told that being kind to each other was a good thing and as valuable as good morals and good manners.
I get pissed off tbh that we now seem to stand back with our hands in the air at rudeness and fighting amongst our children as if we have no control whilst often ( although not always) we can control or minimise it."

Gosh this was my childhood. I was verbally and physically bullied by my sisters and my parents just stood back and let us all get on with it. They now talk in utter amazement at how "so sad that none of you get on".

You absolutely can have a positive effect over the relationship of your children, it is not straightforward when they are old enough to relate on their own terms, but it doesn't have to be the way you think..
Good luck x

BooHoo
I think they thought that "teasing" was normal - when it was way worse than teasing, far more like bullying. And they thought that it was character building . Plus my parents both had pretty ough childhoods and I am not sure they knew much better even though they really loved us.

Amazing you and I turned out so well

Thank you for these they are reassuring.

So true Pag - my parents were loving but had no clue really about raising children, they were in their own little world.

I am absolutely lovely though

I have nothing to do with my younger (full) sister, she is a complete loon.

I have 3 DC's - she has only met the eldest. My sister fell out with our mum when her huge dog jumped up at DS1 when he was 1 and scared the life out of him and mum was more concerned about my DS than her dog

She has no contact with our dad either.

So.

Her loss. My DH and DC's come first - I think if someone brings you down they're not worth having in your life, blood or not.

And meant to say my 3 DC's get on just fine

Thanks for these - it helps me to see that the pattern doesn't necessarily have to be repeated.

I have been reading raising siblings and hopefully that will help me avoid the traps my parents did.

And of course not deliberately poisoning one against the other will help

I am still close to my 2 siblings and have always had a good relationship with both of them.

My parents both came from families where certain children were hugely favoured and it affected them both. They were determined not to repeat that with us. They taught us to be nice to each other, discouraged tale-telling, emphasised family loyalty and above all, kept comparison of us to a minimum. We were allowed to be utterly different and did not have constricting family 'roles'.

I was always surprised when people outside the family constantly did compare us (we look alike, which seems to encourage this somehow, and did differently academically while all attending the same school)or suggest we must be jealous/competitive etc with each other.

It made me realise it happens a lot but it absolutely is not inevitable.

My older sibling has 3. Tensions between the older 2 (dc1 lording it over dc2) were clamped down on early and have dissipated. All 3 now get on very well and the older 2 are incredibly affectionate and tolerant towards the drama queen and embryonic politician that is dc3.

I think Pagwatch talks such a lot of sense. You shouldn't just leave kids to get on with it without teaching them anything about how they should behave towards one another, you have to actively teach them how to treat people properly.

I'm really angry that my parents just let us 'get on with it' and didn't 'notice' what went on, just carried on with their lives as though we weren't there a lot of the time, occassionally shouting upstairs to "keep the noise down" so they could read their books/watch tv etc. Nobody cared or was going to help me when I got bullied, even when I tried to tell them. Anyway, I'm digressing..

When I had my second child I went a bit loopy. I started thinking of my oldest DD as being my brother and being evil, and my youngest DS as being vulnerable and must be protected from her at all costs. Little things she did made me feel rage and hate. The things she was doing didn't warrant it, they just triggered feelings from much worse things that my brother did in the past. I thought I was 'over it' but I wasn't. I couldn't let myself feel this way about my DD so I went to therapy and now I'm sane . I could have avoided having 2 children, but having them both forced me to sort out my issues and now I am mentally healthier than I've ever been!

I was worried about having a second child, cause as an only, I had no idea how to deal with siblings. However, my two boys dote on each other and are really good friends. I just melt when I see them snuggled up together watching something on TV or looking at a magazine.

The best thing that I did was to tell dh that he mustn't inform ds1 that "the baby had been born" or anything like that. Instead he was to say "Congratulations, you are a big brother". DS1 grew about 2 inches, grinned and has never looked back. (Oh and when ds1 arrived to see the baby, I made sure he was in his cot, not being cuddled, so that ds1 got the first cuddle.)

They have their arguments, of course, but basically it's the best thing I've done for either of them. I just wish ds2 could have the chance to be a big brother, but there's no way we're going there!

Best of luck

Congratulations Amadillo! Also saw you left your mum and dad's and broke contact...your the person I am most amazed at for breaking contact, considering how under the thumb your mother had you, I wondered if you would ever be strong enough to do it I did have a tear in my eye when I read it Been away for a while as I don't feel a need to talk about my family anymore and keeping away felt the right thing to do...however this is a topic a step away...

Not got much to say cause I need to go to bed (cosleeping with dd2) but just wanted to reassure you. Two years was the age gap between me and my sister. Three years between my dd's. Its all going really well. In our case we laid down a lot of preperation. Told dd1 about dd2 when I was pg (obviously...) DH took on dd1 nearly entirely...at night he would go to her, see to breakfast in morning, take her for walks etc basically made to feel special by one parent as I was soon to have a baby who would ahve to be 'special'. I wasn't sure of the wisdom, however now dd2 is 8mths dd1 is brilliant with her. I always do my best to explain why I am seeing to dd2, ask dd1 what she needs when she's crying, asking dd1 how she feels, apologising to dd1 when I have spent all day looking after dd2 and then asking if she want's mummy time in the evening, which she does intermitantly. But I think now the bond dh and dd1 have has been important. DD1's reaction to dd2 has been very important...explained in advance how dd2 will take her toys and when she does this to come and tell us and we will get them back...in fact we said it often enough so that when this did happen she came and asked me without thinking.

I feel the important thing is making them feel special ie dp and ds relationship (so nothing is 'taken' from them) explain as much as you can taking into account how as a child they view the situation, ask about how they feel and address any concerns, keep them involved, let them make decisions now and then (if appropriate) so they can feel in control. Oh and dd2 bought dd1 a very very large bear home with her as a present

It will work out, you are not your mum, you can do this, just think of it from ds point of view

Hope some of it was of some use...

Take care and best wishes with it all xxx really proud that you escaped.