Self indulgent marriage woes

[tizzywotnot]

Just need to get this down and try to make sense of what's going on in my head.

I feel that Christmas has had a real dampener on it. I am married with two dc (5 and under), and am not sure if I love dh any more. Things haven't felt right all year really.
The good stuff - He is a good, loving father. He is loyal, hard-working, intelligent and we do have a lot of common views and enjoy a lot of he same things. He loves me ( I think?)

Bad stuff - He can be quite bad tempered/moody which comes across as being very anti-social with family etc. He isn't very sociable.

I know it sounds really cold and callous weighing him up like that on paper...I guess how I feel about us is what's really bothering me.

I have no desire to have sex him at the moment (haven't had it for a few months now). I feel that I am not being 'me' any more and that I have to constantly reign in any bubbliness as I feel that he disapproves of it...it brought this home to me when we were with my family over Christmas, and I always feel like I am more 'myself' when I'm with them.

Lately there just seems to be a constant undercurrent of resentment running between us. No kisses, cuddles etc and no desire to either . I don't look forward to seeing him if he or I have been anywhere - in fact I look forward to time away. Don't know what's happened to us really.

I am a first year degree student (was sahm previously), and for the first time I feel quite insecure about my complete financial dependance on him. My family live 150 miles away and our dc are settling into school/nursery here and I would never want to turn there lives upside down on a selfish whim.

What do I do with these feelings of resentment? I feel completely out of love and depressed at the thought of this being it for the rest of my days (relationship wise). Surely the dc already sense some of this between us?

I know I just have to get on with it - I know things really aren't that bad and I'm not living in a romantic novel...

Bumping for you, I'm sure someone with experience will be along shortly.

I'm sure there will be people along with some words of wisdom soon and wouldn't be surprised at all if they didn't suggest that you shut up and put up, it's not the only way forward surely?

Have you tried speaking to your dh?

Relate on your own immediately. Sort out what the issues are.

and/or tell him how you feel: that you feel he disapproves of your personality, and that you get the impression he isn't happy. Very likely he will deflect this ('I'm just tired') but it's only fair he knows how unhappy you are and that you are concerned about your relationship.

Tizzy- have you considered going for counselling on your own? It can be really helpful to let it all out to a stranger- other than virtual ones here.

It sounds as if you are and your DH are not a good match at the moment- but can you be again is the question.

Relate also offer email counselling- possibly phone too- so plenty of options.

I think that sometimes as people 'grow' they change, not in a bad way, it's good but it does change the dynamics of a relationship.

You have gone from being a SAHM to investing in yourself by studying, you say you feel insecure but my bet is that in many ways you have become more confident and outgoing, you are feeling more fulfilled. Maybe you are seeing your DH in a different light now or maybe he has picked up on the differences in you and feels a little bit insecure himself, he sees you growing as a person and feels threatened by it.

Relationships never stay the same, they enter different phases and with each phase comes a certain amount of change which can be very unsettling for some people. If we don't work through the changes then there is a danger that the relationship will break down.

As for the feelings of resentment, well, you could try talking to your DH and thrashing it out

Having been through a mish mash of marital emotions recently, I understand where you are coming from. It is often difficult to find the right moment to bring up the Big Stuff, and even know what it is you want to say. I would second everyone who is advising you to contact Relate. They are very good at separating all the different strands and giving you confidence in how to approach talking to your DH. It's not nice to live with tension or a sense of disapproval in the house. Don't feel it's all being self-indulgent and you should just get on with life the way it is. Some relationships can be made an awful lot better! Good luck.