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Original poster

Age gap - DP thinks I will 'regret' our relationship because of no-babies...

25 replies

InMyLittleHead · 30/12/2009 22:45

I have been seeing my current DP for nearly two years. The age gap between us is quite significant - 23 years (I'm mid-twenties) - but it doesn't bother me at all. We are very similar personalities, etc. and if anything I am the more mature one .

He has two now-teenage kids from his previous marriage, which ended before we got together, and doesn't want anymore. Since I was quite young, I didn't think I would want to have children. I went through a bit of a phase of thinking maybe I would, but for lots of reasons I have decided I don't want them. It's not to do with the fact he doesn't want them, I genuinely don't think it's right for me. I joined MN to find out more about children and child-related things, because I have no younger siblings or much experience of children or babies, but am still here because it's addictive!

The problem is, DP has been convinced from quite early on that I would be 'a great mum', pretty much totally based on the fact that I do like babies and will make a fuss over one if I meet it. But to me it's like, I really like dogs and make a fuss of them too, but I don't want one of my own. But he is convinced that I will want children at some point, and will regret being with him, having 'wasted time' (when I could have been making babies presumably ).

I don't think he is going to end the relationship on this basis, as there is nothing else wrong with it, but it makes me uncomfortable when he says 'You will meet someone more your own age, and decide you want children'. It's like he can see the end of our relationship already! It's also annoying that despite how much I say I've made up my mind, he won't listen.

I don't know how to make him see that I know what I want, and it doesn't exclude him.

OP posts:

Rindercella · 30/12/2009 22:54

It's a difficult one - I feel for both you and your DP. Tbh, in my mid-20s there was no way on Earth that I was ever going to have children. I remember a friend asking if I would give up smoking if I became pregnant - I said it's a bit of a stupid question, as I will never get pregnant. Cue a few years later...I met a gorgeous man (also older - age gap is 12 yrs, also got a teenager), we got married and I am now pregnant with DD2.

I think your DP is being very sensible in questioning whether or not you will regret not having children if you stay together with him. Are children really out of the question for him? By my caluclations, he must be late 40s which isn't too late! There's a very interesting article in The Times today, following Van Morrison becoming a father (again) at 64 - here

Original poster

InMyLittleHead · 30/12/2009 22:56

Rinders - although he is a great dad now, he openly admits that he was shit with them when they were babies and didn't 'get' them until they were about 3.

I know I can't know but I am fairly sure I don't want any of my own.

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paulaplumpbottom · 30/12/2009 22:58

I know that in my twenties I to never wanted children. There does come a time when you reevaluate(sp). Your partner knows this and is preparing for that possibiltiy. There is nothing wrong with that.

HopingForASunnyDay · 30/12/2009 23:03

This is going to sound horrible patronising, but from the age of 16 to 29 I was absolutely adamant that I didn't want to have children (to the point where I was seriously considering sterilisation).

In the space of the last 8 months, I have done a complete turnaround and am now completely obsessed with TTC. I honestly never thought it would happen to me, but it has.

I hate to suggest that you don't know your own mind, but the thing is, nobody ever knows what their future mind with think...

PrivetDancer · 30/12/2009 23:05

To be honest I think he might have a point, but it does seem crazy to split up over that if all else is good and you don't want kids right now.
But can you really see yourself in old age happy that you didn't have kids?

Of course he may change his mind and be all up for a baby in a few years, or you may really not want one. I couldn't imagine wanting one at your age though, and I certainly wouldn't be without now.

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 30/12/2009 23:07

but is there any point in living now with "what ifs" ?

if its working then what can you do? end the relationship because you 'might' one day decide you want a baby?

id take each day as it comes and see what the future brings. what else can you do?

DuelingFanjo · 30/12/2009 23:09

Has he expressly said he doesn't want more children?

If not then I don't understand the question. He is likely to still be fertile for at least another 10 years so if you do change your mind you could still try with him.

Original poster

InMyLittleHead · 30/12/2009 23:10

Well that's what I want to do, take each day as it comes.

I guess I don't see having children as a guarantee of future happiness, there are so many old people who are ignored by their families. (that's not my major reason, btw, just responding to PrivetDancer, which is an ace name)

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SolidGoldpiginablanket · 30/12/2009 23:11

There are no guarantees with anything. You might decide you do want DC in a few years time. But then so might he (unless he's had a snip). Or one of you might get bored with the relationship or die when you get hit by a chunk of frozen piss falling from an aeroplane.
Tell your DP that you're fine now, thanks, and to stop fussing about what might happen in the future. Zombies might happen. The global economy could go into total meltdown so there's nothing left to do but eat each other. So why not enjoy what you have at the moment?

mrswill · 30/12/2009 23:12

Its a really difficult one.

I think hes being quite sensible. Hes been at the age where you want to start a family, so must know what the feeling is like, which is sometimes out of nowhere and overwhelming.

At your age, most of my group of friends would have pissed themselves laughing, me included, at the thought of wanting babies. Me and my DP decided we wouldnt have any, and I even looked into getting sterilised after a termination, as I didnt want to be in that postion again and really disliked children. Turn the clock forward 7 years, and it was an entirely different picture.

Of course, you may never want children and that is a valid choice too, but sometimes things like this cant be set in stone. Your dp recognises this, and thats why your in this position. No real advice but you have time on your side!

chubbasmum · 30/12/2009 23:13

hello Inmylittlehead it sounds as if your man does love you and it also sounds as if he either doesnt want any more children or he had a vasectomy. Either way he needs reassurance its like with all men. Have a heart to heart with him goodluck hun dont let him jinx a good thing

DuelingFanjo · 30/12/2009 23:14

Oh sorry I didn't see the bit about him saying he didn't want more.

Re-reading it, perhaps he is just insecure? Or perhaps he is older and, as they say, wiser so he can see from experience how things can change.

My owwn experience is that at 24 I told people I didn't want children but a little bit of me always imagined them as part of my future.

Sheet · 30/12/2009 23:19

I think mid twenties is very early in your reproductive life to be so absolutely certain you don't want children.

Why don't you just see how it goes for the next ten years? You have time to do that.

There's no need to decide now.

Igglybuff · 30/12/2009 23:19

Maybe your DP is worried you'll leave to have kids and needs reassurance? My DH used to test the waters by saying things that implied we would split up early in our relationship (a couple of years in) but now we're happily married and such crazy talk from him is gone!

I have a friend similar to you, with a bigger age gap and her DP has kids but also had the snip. She says she never wants kids but occasionally after a few drinks she gives the impression that the choice has been taken away but she loves DP too much to leave. I think as she gets older her outlook changed.

OP, you can reassure your DP based on how you feel now, but you don't know how you might change.

As an aside, why don't you want kids? And if your DP did want kids, what would you do?

Original poster

InMyLittleHead · 30/12/2009 23:20

I do find it a bit patronising when he says 'Oh you will want them' (I don't mind youse lot saying it ) because his ex did all the boring baby stuff and he just took them swimming once in a while and taught them to play football when they were big enough.

I just don't think I would be very good at it. I can see myself making the same mistakes as my own mother etc.

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Original poster

InMyLittleHead · 30/12/2009 23:21

x post iggly.

Um, if he did want kids that would be an issue, because he has admitted he's not very good at the baby stuff. And I think it would unbalance the relationship and ruin it.

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hbfac · 30/12/2009 23:27

i second Vicarinatutu.

The future is sooo uncertain.

Maybe you will want dc. Maybe you won't. As my mother would say, you could both be hit by a bus next year, and be dead. Which, though excessively dark, is true. It happens.

So, I suppose, the question then becomes, why does he obsess about this so much? Is he insecure? Why? Fair enough if he's a rational chap, who occasionally discusses this as a possibility but ... to be going on about it to the extent that you're posting on here ... . Strange.

Or are you curious as to whether you will suddenly find yourself longing for a child? Or are you slightly concerned by the fact you don't?

It's OK not to want to have dc. It's not much discussed but voluntary childlessness is a viable life-option for women.

Will you suddenly want dc? Well, you may. It happens. It's an odd thing with us women that we may even suddenly want dc when we are no longer biologically capable of having them. But the possibility of that happening isn't a good enough reason for acting as though it might happen before it does. After all, it equally might not.

So really, you're back to acting, now, in a way that is appropriate to where you are, now. Rather than in a way that is dependent on a whole lot of, unknowable, "what ifs?"

DontCallMeSantaBaby · 30/12/2009 23:28

He might think he's unusual in being 'not very good at the baby stuff', but he's not. Not for a man. Not even that unusual for a woman. Probably not relevant, but if it ever does come to the point where you'd like to, and he would, but isn't good at baby stuff ... if no baby were ever conceived of a father who wasn't good at baby stuff, there'd be about three babies in this country.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 30/12/2009 23:30

Hi InMyLittleHead - another point of view here perhaps ... In my mid-20s I was also adamant I didn't want kids; I married, divorced when I was 34; and then met someone three months later and realised that in fact I did want to have kids ... and now I'm married with a 2.6 year old son.

The thing is, though, I still feel as if I would have been fine without kids. My life would simply have gone in another direction. I absolutely love our son - love him to bits. I think I'm a pretty good Mum ... but not being a Mum in the first place would have been fine too. It seems like a contradiction, but it isn't.

In other words, sometimes you can live with the contradiction of opposites ... that you might want a child, and not have one, and not mind. That's an alternative to the seemingly black-and-white, on/off, no I don't want one/yes I do experience of many other people. Not that that is wrong ... it's just that there are other experiences too.

Igglybuff · 30/12/2009 23:30

Does your DP know your reasons? might help him understand you better and reassure him more.

Pantofino · 30/12/2009 23:30

In my mid twenties, I was never bothered about babies. I met the man of my dreams and we were having loads of fun. Bought a house. Settled down. My sister had babies and I loved them, but never felt the slightest bit broody for one of my own.

10 years on I was living with someone else entirely and PG with dd. Now I am 41 and facing the end of my fertility, I would secretly love another one, but the practicalities deter me from trying.

I really don't think you can decide how you will feel about things in the future. That doesn't mean you should stop this relationship. It does indeed sound like he is "testing" you a bit. Is marriage on the cards?

Original poster

InMyLittleHead · 30/12/2009 23:32

I don't think it was just the usual 'not good at baby stuff'. He said, all they did was shit and puke and cry. He literally wasn't interested in them until they were about 3. Also, his ex-wife got totally obsessed with them (understandably) which he found difficult.

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Pantofino · 30/12/2009 23:33

I find that comment a bit worrying!

Sheet · 30/12/2009 23:36

It sounds to me as though he's telling you that if you want children, he aint your man.

Which is fair enough I suppose.

May I just ask you why you want to go out with such an old man? He is presumably nearly fifty and you are not long our of university? What's the attraction?

DuelingFanjo · 30/12/2009 23:43

the basic problem is that what you think you want now might change in the next 10 - 15 years.

you are happy now so you should maybe not plan so far in the future, just be happy now.

Should you worry about the the next 10 - 15 years? It's really hard for anyone to say without drawing on their own experience (me? - slightly bitter about my years with my ex and kicking myself for not leaving him earlier, when I was younger and more fertile) but I think being happy now is a lot better than making yourself miserable about something which might not happen.

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