Why am I still angry 6 years later? how can I let this go?

[norfolknanny]

6 and a half years ago I met a man and he totally swept me off my feet. He was living 70 miles away from me, we met through mutual friends. Within weeks he said that he loved me and wanted me to move to be closer to him. As it happened I was at a time of my life when that would be possible, so it became the plan. We started talking about having children and getting married. I so wanted to believe it, so I just let myself get carried along in it and I was unutterably happy and life was blissful. After a couple of months he ended up moving in with me as his job didn't work out and we then quickly moved into a place of our own. I was totally in love with him by then, completely swept off my feet. He said that we would always be together, he wanted us to have children and to provide for our family. We had fun together, the sex was great, we opened a joint bank account, he bought me flowers, took me out, was romantic and kind.

After we had been living together for 4 months, together for 7 I found some messages on his computer, totally by mistake. They were arranging to meet a woman in a hotel for sex. They were graphic and rather disturbing. I asked him about them, and he said that they were old. I wanted to believe him, life went on.
After we had been living together for 6 months he came home from work one day and said, out of the blue, that it was over. He claimed there was no one else involved, but he wanted out. I moved out the next day, went back a week later for my stuff and never saw him again.

I was heart broken. I had nowhere to go, so moved into a shared house, which I ended up living in for the next 4 years. For a year I had nothing to do with any other men. I was ruined for about 5 months, buried myself in work. I found it hard to trust anyone or let anyone in for a long time afterwards. I found out that he had a 'new' girlfriend 2 months later, he then went on to marry her within a year.

I am now in a happy relationship, with a man who I love and trust very much. We have a 9mo daughter, which brings its own stresses, but I know that we are strong together. I don't want to get back with my XP, I just can't let it go. I am so angry with him still, that he shattered me in such a way. i feel that he didn't need to say all those lovely things, to sweep me off my feet so much... and then I just think GET A GRIP. it was 5 years ago. Let it go. But I can't. I am so to admit it, but I looked him up on a networking site the other day, just to see what he looks like now (fatter, balder and more boring). I have been contemplating sending him a message, along the lines of, 'I never knew the truth of what happened, I think you probably did meet someone else, it would give me closure to know you did and that you went on to marry her, so it was worth it all in the end...' but is that the worst idea you have ever heard? How do I leave it behind forever?

Do you really want "closure" or do you want him to sweep you off your feet again?

You use that expression twice in your post and I think it is very telling.

I say "stay well away". You have a new life and actually the reasons why all of that happened in the past, dont matter now.

Put it all down to him being a lying immature twunt and concentrate on the here and now.

You focus on making your life now happy,

Definitely don't contact him. That's the only advice I can give. It won't give you closure, will just open up more questions. You were treated badly, dumped in a very uncaring way. Eventually you will come to terms with it, but it might take a ver long time.

I still think about my ex who dumped my while I was in hospital. He went on to marry the next person he dated. Even though I was married and it had been years since it happened, I still was curious, wanted to know why, how could he, had he really loved me at all?

In the end...you know what? He's a fucking jerk. That's all there is to it. I had a really lucky escape. Some people are just fucking jerks.

You would be opening a huge can of worms if your were to contact this man. You say you are happy with your new DP who you claim to love very much. You have a small baby together. Why would you want to do something that might potentially damage that relationship? How would you feel if you found out that your current partner was sending messages to an ex on Facebook (or whatever)? It wouldn't be very nice, and I am sure would throw some doubt on your relationship.

Some men are just fuckwits (just as some women are). They love the 'sweeping off the feet' thing. In my early 20s I went out with several men who told me they loved me within a week or two of meeting them (some even sooner). Talked of marriage, children, etc. Then a few short months later...nothing. I learnt very quickly not to get too involved too quickly. Thank God I never truly commited to any of them - I never moved in with them for example.

You won't get closure if you get in contact with him. Instead you'll just get a whole heap of trouble.

Keep. Away. From. The Wanker.

Don't get in contact with him. It's just an excuse to be back in touch. When you really don't want something back, I don't think you need "closure". I think you should be thanking your lucky stars you escaped when you did!

Bet he's a faithless shit too.

They say the best revenge is a life well lived. You're already living that life now, don't look back, look forward. The guy was a prick who took advantage, it's happened to us all at some stage, forget him.

I totally agree. I think by making contact with your ex you could potentially damage your relationship with your new man.

You have a beautiful baby and a loving partner now and have started to put the past behind you. That is exactly what it is. It's the past and you should try to move on.

It is not guareenteed that if you contact him he will say whatever it is you need to hear. In fact what is it you want to hear? 'I am an idiot/ I shouldnt have left you/ I was being blackmailed/I was having a breakdown/...' ? Do you just want a chance to ahve a go at him? It is very difficult to let go but by not contacting him what you get to hang onto is your dignity which in itself is very healing. If you do contact him he could be horrid all over again. You seem to want to get how you feel about it off your chest- could you pin down a close friend and just rant about it? I cant see contacting the man himself ending well.

Interesting post.

I too wonder why we dwell on things like this. I wonder if it's because this kind of hurt gets right inside us. I suspect we inch towards intimacy, and when we trust, we let people inside us (psychologically) in a very deep way. We really do, literally, take something of them into our mental makeup. We start to understand the world, and even ourselves, through what we think we know of them.

Then, if what we "know" about them turns out to be incorrect, it shakes us v. badly - it makes us doubt (for a while) everything we thought we knew, and how we know.

Just a thought.

Anyway, wrt this chap: He sounds like a nutter. Seriously. As I read your post, I was thinking through everything I have ever read about guys to steer clear of. You know, the ones who turn out to be seriously dangerous: the romance, the intensity, the craziness that follows on from that.

You do not want this person back in your life at all. Not even an e-mail away. Who cares how his life has turned out? He is not an exciting soap opera you missed the denouement of ... he sounds like a potentially scarey bloke.

Yes, he betrayed your trust, big time. Yes, you never hit the bed-rock of "the truth" of it all. Yes, you will always look back on this and ponder about the blurring of truth and un-truth, fantasy and reality.

But what you CAN tell, with certainty, looking back on this - is that you are far better away from him and that it was a bad relationship.

Honestly, I never thought I would be the person to say this, but counselling was a great help to me when I had similar issues to get through. Do you need to contact him? Your life now sounds great. Why let this person from the past have any control over your future.

Don't contact him, don't search for him online. Could you talk to your DP about how you are feeling?

Maybe he meant all the lovey stuff at the time?
Just because a relationship doesn't last forever it doesn't mean it was pointless and a bad relationship.
I have been madly in love with blokes in the past and then realised that although there were great things in the relationship I didn't want to stay with them any more.
That didn't mean my feelings for these blokes at the start of the relationship were somehow false or that I had lied.
Many relationships don't last forever. That's OK.
This relationship in total sounds as though it only lasted 8 months. It progressed quickly with you living together after only 2 months and burnt out quickly.
At least he didn't string you along for years whilst he had a string of affairs. He may or may not have been talking to/seeing someone else re the computer thing.
I doubt that he deliberately hurt you. He probably just fell in and out of love with you very quickly.
Your happiness now shouldn't depend on whether or not he is happy. You weren't right for each other and took things far too quickly and he wasn't worth giving up your financial independence for. End of story.

That word "closure" really pisses me off. Especially when in it's in the same sentence as "give".

There is no such thing - unless you're talking mechanically!

The idea that a person, who hurt you before, can give you something like a little box with a ribbon on top, labelled "The Past" is bonkers. Even if it were possible, is it likely they would go to the trouble? I doubt it.

I understand. I think hbfac makes some very good points, about how we make a person "part of ourselves" when we love them. It can hang around for ages. It would be nice to get it tucked away in a gift-wrap. But that can't happen.

You've made something, about someone you knew, become a part of you. It might be their world-view, their sense of humour, their dress sense, their politics - some "essence" of them (or who you thought they were). In my experience, this is often a malevolent part of their persona - but not always, and not exclusively.

Instead of wishing it would go away, or feeling somehow incomplete, have you thought about taking a good look at what parts of him are still inside your mind/spirit? You might surprise yourself.

Maybe you loved him in a way that fulfilled you - maybe you can now offer this love to your DH, or your DC, or your friends, or your self. Maybe you felt more witty & pretty around him ... that was you, not him, so how about rediscovering your funny, flirty self and inviting her back into your life?

Maybe, also, you always felt somewhat unsure or insecure around him. Maybe that chimed with some hidden part of you, perhaps buried since childhood? Think about that, too, because once you know it you can fix it.

You're not a plastic bag, you haven't got a "closure" But have you got yourself, and a rich source of self-knowledge if you choose to explore it.

Sorry, bit preachy ....