Should I stay or should I go?

[tanya1001]

OK, where to start?

I have been married for 5 years with a beautiful 3 year old daughter.

My husband was great when we first met. We used to do so much together, sit and chat all night, the usual things you do when you first meet someone. I feel in love with him and him with me fairly quickly. After 18 months we moved in together (so not too quick!), and got married 20 months after that.

Things had started to deteriorate between us before we even got married, but were not desperately bad and I thought that, as I loved him so much, that things would improve after we were married.

He had become very detached, distant, non communicative and our sex life was almost non existent. I suffered countless months of rejection by him, he spent night after night not talking, and over the years has accused me of having three affairs (I haven't).

We both wanted a baby so started trying and after two tries I was pregnant! Five month before that there had been no sex, and for 2 1/2 years after that there was no sex either.

He has become more and more emotionless. He loves both me and our daughter to bits, and would do anything for either of us.

I battle with him to spend time with her though. We have been to counselling and he said that he would make more of an effort with us both, but after a month things went back to normal. I say normal, to anyone else this is not normal, but to him it is his normal behaviour.

I have fought and fought and fought, had to deal with constant rejection, had to deal with being accused of having three affairs, my mum was recently diagnosed with Cancer (op removed it and is on chemo now so she is thankfully on the mend), he lies on the sofa night after night (not with me) and just watches the TV. Doesn't speak. If I try to talk to him I'll get a Yes, No or grunt.

I have had enough. I tried to hide my feelings until after Christmas but it all blew up and I told him on 23rd that I wanted to leave him. I packed up me and my daughter and went to family over Christmas, leaving him to wallow in his misery (sorry if I sound nasty but I have taken so much shit off him).

He has said that he adores me and wouldn't manage without me. He has said that after his Dad was taken ill (2003) he switched off emotionally to stop himself being hurt. Which meant he switched off all emotion to me. He said that he would see a counsellor to sort himself out.

My dilema is should I stay or should I go? Is there anyway my feelings for him can return? I don't fancy him anymore and can't bear the thought of any physical contact with him. Is this a temporary feeling?

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Any help would be appreciated!

My ex is similarly emotionless, has told me he loves me three times in 15 years, two of those were after I told him it was over. I found it soul-destroying too - I stopped giving when I got nothing in return. It got so that I wouldn't share news with him, wouldn't ask him about anything eg for advice or about himself, he became so separate that our daughters and I became a unit that excluded him. He was always a bit like this, but much more so after his mum died. As you can tell, there was no happy ending for us. There were other factors, but I want a partner who can show me and tell me how he feels about me next time.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I can't tell you whether you should stay or go, but I can tell you that you shouldn't put up with it how it is now. You say you have tried counselling - is it worth another go? Is it worth him going alone if he has issues of his own to work through?

How has he reacted to your leaving? Does he recognise the seriousness of the situation or is he a little in denial?

Life as a lone parent is difficult, but it can be even harder when you're doing it while DH is living with you.

OMG Lilac21

I just got chills down my back. Listening to you is like listening to me.

I am so sorry you went through this. And you put up with it for 15 years? We've been together for nearly 10.

Do you know why he was like this? Did he have family problems in the past, childhood issues etc?

It is heartbreaking, but I am the same. I need someone who can be there emotionally, who is lighthearted and a bit of fun. I know every relationship has its ups and downs, but so far there have been more downs than ups.

babybouncer - I've told him point blank I am not going to counselling for us. It is him that needs to go.

Yes, he does fully understand the seriousness of this now. It has taken for me to tell him its over, final, I've had enough.

He is now desperately unhappy and devastated that he has hurt me so much. If only he had been listening to me over the past 6 years.

Tanya, not every one of the 15 years was like this, but certainly the last ten were the worst. I think about all the times I put up with him putting his own needs first and it makes my blood boil now, can't understand why I put up with so much.

What is he like with your daughter? Mine will spend time with them when it suits him, and out of sight is very often out of mind too (like the time earlier this year when DD2 was up all night throwing up and pooing herself, he got up in the morning and went off to the races in York, 200 miles away, stayed away overnight, got back late the following evening and never once called, texted or asked how she was). I think his on/off involvement with the girls hastened the ending of my feelings for him, certainly he lost my respect.

My ex told me that I had ruined his life, and still doesn't accept his part in the ending of our marriage. Sounds like yours is a bit more emotionally unaware.

Interesting that you have said you want someone lighthearted and fun - I have just spent a few days at my mum's and she told me to make sure that the next guy I spend time with has a sense of humour!

Oops, meant emotionally aware, not unaware!

And he was an only child, don't know if that makes a difference. Doubtless there are plenty of happily married only children in fulfilling relationships!

Like our relationship, it was great to start with too. Thinking more deeply though, I have started to remember that even before we lived together I used to travel one and half hours to spend the weekend with him, and in 18 months I think he only bothered to travel to me once, maybe twice. Also, when I left his to come home on a Sunday, he'd lie on the sofa while I walked out the door - nice!

My husband is the youngest of five, so maybe this has no real relevance!!

He is now aware of what he has done to me, but it has taken, me moaning about his behaviour for the past goodness knows how many years, 4 massive arguments in just over a year and me finally to tell him I've had it with him, for him to admit that he is the problem and not me.

Our DD is now 3 1/2 and I basically have done everything for her from the day she was born. Don't get me wrong there, I love her to bits and would have done everything for her, but a bit of involvement from him wouldn't have gone a miss. I can count on one hand the number of times he has bathed her, he hasn't once put her to bed, rarely bothered to read or play with her,like getting down on her level and doing a puzzle or playing with her toys. He is incapable of imaginative play. But, he has improved his relationship with her since I told him it was over, two weeks ago. Whether or not this lasts is another thing.

He has promised me so many times that things will be different and he will make more of an effort, and each time things go back to the way they were after a month or so, even after our counselling sessions.

I've had a lot of time to consider my feelings, and what I want out of life and there is one phrase which I say to myself everyday, and that is:

You only live once.

This is very true, and I am not prepared to stay in a marriage I am not happy in. My parents divorced when I was 19 and I lived for 10 years with them constantly arguing, not talking etc etc. I am not going to put my daughter, or me, through what I went through.

I am going to be happy. If eventually I decide to leave my marriage I won't be getting involved with any man for a very long time, but when I do, it will be for the right reasons, and it will be with a man who can make me laugh, who I can say stupid things to without getting a blank look (!). I have a great SOH and I need someone who can appreciate it and reciprocate!

Sounds like you do too! I wish you every happiness and thank you for your messages. They are a great help.

Take care and Happy New Year!

xx