Am I making enough effort???

[daisymay1]

Hi, I'm new to Mums net and I cannot believe I have not used it before!
I married my DH 5yrs ago and had DD 4yrs ago. When I was about 5 months pregnant my husband was never the same person again - he is not violent, or abusive in any way at all. We have had a loveless 4 yrs together but I have always found it fine to carry on for the sake of our daughter, we don't hate each other.
He has formed a relationship (not physical yet) with a younger woman at work and has obviously been pouring his heart out to her and is loving the attention he gets form her. He told me that she understands him and shows him attention which is more than what I do. He now thinks our marriage is unworkable unless I all of a sudden show him affection and I just can't (he is very selfsih emotionally). I have told him there is no way we can sort out trying to save our marriage whilst 'the friend' is still in the picture. He refuses to cease contact with her (he is there now!!) he will not stay together as friends for the sake of our daughter (when we are together we don't argue and it is not an atmosphere for our dd). Am I givign up too easily? I can only see viewpoint at the moment which is me turn into this unbelievable doting wife who cares not he has this special friend? Any other view points would be great. Also I should mention I would have left him years ago if we didn't have a child.

he sounds awful

you will be well rid ...

even if you turn into a raving sexpot/devoted wife etc etc it will never be enough for him

cut loose now and concentrate on your DD

Do you actually want to be in a romantic relationship with him? Can you picture your life without him, perfectly happily, being co-parents to your dd but not living together and with him possibly in a new relationship?

If you're ok with that, then maybe your relationship has just reached it's natural end, and you'd both be happier separating and moving on.

If you aren't happy with that picture, then you both need to be prepared to try to find some common ground and work at it, maybe with the help of Relate or something similar.

I think the fact that you say you can't show him affection because he is selfish sounds a little strange - either you want to show him affection or you don't. If you don't feel affection for him, then there's no point trying to continue really.

Is it really worth trying to save?
If he will only stay if you show him affection you don't feel there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

Staying together for the children is overrated IMO.

a few questions;

do you love him?

do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

does he you?

if the naswer is no, then you should accept the inevitable and let him go. You are wasting both your lives and although you may not be fighting in front of your daughter she will be aware that you are not happy together and will probably not suffer much in a separation.

I would be very surprised if it was true that he wasn't sleeping with his other woman.Very, very surprised. But you don't seem to care about any of it really.

Thankyou, it does help having other view points.

I don't love him if I'm honest. He is the sort of man that needs to be with someone, so till now there has been noone else to go to so he has stayed with me and I mst admit I thoght it was an ok situation. Now the other woman is there he has something else to go to.
My parents were divorced when I was very small child and I never wanted my child to have parents that were not together, so part of me feels I should do whatever to stay together but i'm not sure I can live with this other woman.

Where the heck do you start making 2 seperate lives out of 1!!!

I can't answer that daisymay but there will be loads of women on here who can!

Good luck and I hope you can find someone who does make you happy - you only get one life!

I'm sure there's loads on here who can talk about how they've made a good job of separation/divorce and managed an amicable way of parenting. It sounds like it might be better for all of you to do this in a calm and amicable way - neither of you really wants to be with each other, and your daughter is not seeing a loving relationship to model her own later relationships on, so it's not like you're achieving anything by staying together.

Hi Daisy

I have got a very similar thread going at the moment.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this and my heart goes out to you.

My H has formed a relationship with a work colleague (Although he is in no way as upfront as your H and keeps insiting there is nothing in it !) but I am so sad for my DS who is very sensitive and will be destroyed by this. My parents also split up when I was very young (Same age as my DS now) and I think it has had an effect on me and how I cope with life. But then I have had some posters who have coped well and are now happy with OP's.

If you don't mind me asking how old are you ?

I'm 39 and think the thought of being single at this point in my life awful but then again think that to live in a lovelss marriage for the rest of my life as really sad to.

I also think that you, like me aren't rowing with your H in front of your DD that it makes it more bearable, but then I worry that my DS doesn't ever see any affection between adults and will grow up thinking that all parents sleep seperately and never kiss or hug each other.

Like you I am past the point of being nice to my H as he has been so cold to me for so long, it's like a forcefield around me that I just can't get past, and if I'm totally honest I don't think I find him attractive anymore and don't want to have sex, which again is a sad place to be at 39.

We are going to try a trial seperation and are combining it with relate - would you H consider this ? At least it will give you a platform to tell him how you feel, and if you can't sort things out will be a place where you can calmly talk about seperation.

So sorry for you.

DiasyMay it seems to me that your H has already made a decision about the relationship but is putting all the responsibility for saving it onto you, while making it practically impossible for you to do so while he insists on spending his time with his lady friend. I think he wants to walk away without feeling guilty for breaking up your marriage, he wants you to have that honour!

Turn the tables on him and tell him that after some thought you have decided to let him go to be with the one who understands him!

Hi

Yes parents splitting up and havinf step parents was very tough and certainly has an effect on my adlt hood. H had parents that loved easch other and are still together.
I'm 32yrs. I don't mind being on my own, I know I could cope if it was just me, but I just can't bear the thought of what is to come for my poor daughter.
I have thought of counselling but having gone thr it when I was in my early 20's (didnt cope v well when boyfriend was killed in car accident!) I don't see much point in it? Please correct me someon if they have had successful conselling.
He is at work at the mo (works shift work) and is on shift with her. He has texted me to say he will end this 'friendship' if I promise to put our marriage back on track. I think he should be putting an end to this relationship before asking anything more from me? Or am I being too picky?

God I can't belive the help this forum is!

I would ask him in a calm and mature way to please stop using emotional blackmail, to stop putting all the emphasis on you to repair the relationship and to sit down with you and discuss what you both want from each other and from the relationship.

His giving up his 'friend' shouldn't be bargaining tool. To be honest it would make me less likely to want to put the marriage back on track. He should give up the friend because he wants to save the marriage. That's my opinion anyway