need to talk DP gambling returned- devastated

[ashamed99]

I am a regular Mner, I have namechanged- silly really just proves how much this has gutted me.

Its a long story but please please dont just tell me to leave DP. I love him very much, we have a DS (almost 3yo)and we are a family. I want to stick by him.

He has had gambling problems in the past but I had thought they were over. We split up when DS was 6months old (not due to gambling) and as far as I knew his last big slip up was during this time. After our split I bought him out of our mortgage (he didn't get much) and his mum lent him some money. He used this to pay off the gambling debts and swore blind he would stop.

We got back together a year later. Things have been really good, he is a good partner and a great father, DS adores him. We have been very happy since getting back together, having learnt some valuable lessons.

He came in from his Christmas shopping on 22nd in tears, confessed he had been gambling again over the past few months and has got into major debt on his credit cards. He was inconsolable said he hates himself, knows he is a let down, knows DS and I deserve better......

I know I should have been livid but my overiding reaction was to be so sorry he has this problem. That day he called a debt advice agency and is now looking into making an IVA or even bankruptcy (will know more in the New Year as they are closed now), he called a local agency who do counselling for gambling addiction (recommended by Gamcare)and again they are calling back to make an appointment in the New Year.

Our finances are seperate, mortgage is in my name. He pays rent, and a share of the bills. He works hard but does not earn a great deal (he is a sportsman). He has never missed a payment to me. The debts he has run up are on his credit cards.

I am gutted, and afraid for our future as a family. Its all so out of my control and I don't know what to do. A few of our friends know but not my family, I think they would tell me to throw him out if they knew and I really really don't want to do that.

He is so sad and so sorry and is adamant he will stop but I know its not that simple.

Any wise words Mners??

It seems like you're already doing everything you can. He's seeking help for his addiction and debt problem and you are supporting him in this.

You love him and want to stay with him and this is your decision alone to make. It's good that you have separate finances, at least you and DS are 'safe' in that sense.

It sounds like your husband is sucked into gambling because of the world he lives in - as a sportsman it must be hard to get away from. Can he do something else within his field to keep him busy (not thinking about gambling) a different job or maybe volunteer work, helping kids in to sport or something?

It's good that he confessed to you, didn't wait to get caught. And it sounds like he's doing and saying all the right stuff. I wonder if there's a group like alanon for family members of gamblers ...

I think the job did steer him in that direction but then there are plenty of sportsmen who have not got sucked in. I think it would be a good idea to encourage him to get more involved with other interests and will try.

I have heard it said many times gambling is the gamblers problem and its important that its the gambler him/herself that sorts themselves out. But its hard not to try to 'fix it' myself- not that I could I guess.

Thank you for respecting my decision to stick by him- it might seem irrational but I don't want to turn my back on him when surely he needs support.

Notquitecockney- yes there is a group for family of GA attenders but I guess I struggle to see how it would help me when its DP with the problem.....

Then again, here I am with looking for support from Mners so maybe a group would help- sounds terrifying though!!

Ashamed, I am so sorry you find yourself in this position again. On the positive side, you are in a much better position than most - you have seperated your finances and hopefully he has no access to your money or assets IYSWIM.

As far as he is concerned, I have had a word with my DH who is a gambler and has also taken us to the brink . He asks whether your DP has reached his rock bottom ie now knows that things have to change. Also re IVA or bankruptcy, my DH felt much better in himself by working extremely hard to pay his own debts back even if he had to do deals with credit card companies etc - he took responsibility for his own actions and paid the consequences. In the past he borrowed money from other people to pay debts etc. I also enabled him by remortgaging etc to bail him out. My DH has had to really face up to what he has done and
I am really pleased for him. It is an ongoing process and I don't think he or I fully understand where he need to gamble comes from - he is a risk taker (my brother gets his kicks from fast motorbikes, my DH by gambling high stakes).

As a partner you have to protect yourself which you have done and support him if you want to. If he wants to change he can and he can show he means to by maybe getting a second job to pay the debts off. An IVA/bankruptcy takes the consequences of their actions away from them again and a lot of gambling addiction sites advise against it if at all possible.

Good luck.

That's an interesting point, Countingto10, re the IVA/bankruptcy.

ashamed has he looked into a debt management plan (DMP)? This way he is still in control of paying off his debt - he makes all the arrangements with his creditors, budgets, etc and has to stick to them. This could also give him the incentive to get an extra job and pay them off early. (And any IVA company worth it's salt would suggest a DMP to start with).

I'd suggest reading the moneysavingexpert.com forums regarding DMPs, IVA and bankruptcy - there's tons of good advice on there.

Countingto10 thanks you so much for posting-it makes a world of difference to know that I am not the only one.....

I would say that yes DP has reached rock bottom- he seems fully aware of the fact that things must change. My only reservation is that he has said that before- I guess the difference this time is that he has agreed that there must be absolutely no gambling whatsoever, and he has agreed to get some outside counselling.

I see your point about avoiding IVA / bankruptcy. I had thought that finally admitting his debts are too big to pay and looking into these options was a step in the right direction- he doesn't see thi as an easy way out and is very ashamed that he may have to do this. A second job is a possibility I guess, although it would mean me finding additional childcare as DP looks after DS during most of my part time work.

He has always claimed he gambles to try to free himself from debt. I am not so sure, I think its a pretty circular arguement IYSWIM. But I think he really does believe (probably misguidedly) that if he could lift the weight of the debt from his back he could start a new, gamble free future. But I will tell him about your suggestions thank you so much.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You are very wise to continue to keep your finances completely separate.

I hope things improve for you all.

What he has to undertand is that gambling WILL NOT free him from debt. It just makes the debts grow. The whle point of gambling is for the bookies/casinos/whatever to take your money, the odds in favour of winning lots are dreadfully poor.

What you need to do is make the decision that this is his last chance and if he ever gambles again he's out with no comebacks. You are protecting yourself financially, which is good, and he is seeking help, which is also good, but you can't keep on giving an addict chances as in the end they will drag you down with them.

Ashamed, there are so many justifications/excuses whatever going around in their heads to make it OK. I am not longer afraid to challenge my DH about anything, I no longer enable him by not confronting him IYSWIM. But we have both had about 4 months worth of weekly counselling following him reaching rock bottom at the beginning of the year.

I think you (and DP) have made all the right moves TBH.

Am impressed at your lack of anger towards him, I would find it very hard not to be furious.

Good luck

Countingto10- would you mind me asking what type of counselling you had and whether your DH attended GA also?? Gamcare recommended a particular organisation called Apacs or something- they are calling DP back in the new year to arrange an appointment. I am so hoping that this helps him.

Yuletide- I'm not very good at getting furious- I probably should but I just feel very upset mostly.

I appreciate what soildgold is saying but if I give that ultimatum I will have to stick to it (hell, i sound like I am dealing with our 2yo)- I don't want to loose him I just want him to get better.....

Definitely go to GamAnon (for families & partners of gamblers) they really can help, and offer wise words. It might also help talking to those who have stuck by a partner or family member through gambling problems. I went once or twice, until I left DH (gambling was part of our reason for splitting, but not the only one). Some men & women there had supported partners through years of gambling, and were full of great advice.

Our counselling was through Relate (to try and hold the marriage together) but the therapist worked privately as well as through Relate and we have her number to contact her personally should my DH feel the need at anytime as obviously gambling addiction is not in the remit of Relate.

Thank you for your help countingto10 fingers crossed for a good start to the NY- and I really hope things continue to go well for you.

Dear Ashamed - I think you are being very brave and doing all the right things to support your man. However, as you know you both must accept that beating this addiction is his responsibility and not yours, or anyone elses. He is making all the "right noises" but if he has not sought outside help before it will be scary for him and he might try to dodge it - if so I would suggest that you get assertive (even if you have to "act" the part) and insist that you both get the help and support you need. If necessary I would make it part of the deal for you to stay together, that he gets outside help and you too. By taking such a stance you really will be helping to save your relationship.

I don't know a great deal about gambling addiction but any addictive behaviour usually is rooted in childhood where all our fears/anxieties,ways of functioning come from. Maybe over time he will be willing to "uncover" some of his childhood experiences with the help of a good therapist. I do know that gambling is a very "strong" addicition with a marked tendency for re-lapse BUT that doesn't mean that it can't be resolved over time if the motivation and support is there.

Sending you good wishes and hoping that 2010 will bring good things for you.