Am I Being Daft...?

[wheredidmyoldlifego]

Totally had enough of my H (cannot bring myself to put DH) - too many things to mention but basically put the exact same posting here last Christmas!)

In a nutshell...(but a rather long one...)

Our only DC had cancer at aged 3 and had I not discharged myself from hospital to take to A&E, who knows how long it would have been before H took him (he did take him to walk-in centre and accepted it when he was told he had conjunctivitis) and yet when I saw our DS after I was stuck in the hospital for 3 days, his eye was sticking out of his head and not moving...conjunctivitis, my ar*e! I had just had a major bowel op with resulted in an hysterectomy and yet again, I have to take responsibility for the health of our son by discharging myself from hospital and getting it sorted. The cancer was so aggressive, it took only 2 weeks or so to get to that point..so my mind reels at the thought that if I had not seen our DS until I was discharged a few days later...

Anyway, we stuck together through chemo and radiotherapy which included 40 general anaethetics in one year and since DS finished treatment, I've had enough of my H and I am actually starting to resent him and everything he 'stands for' or not.

He defends his mother's treatment and complete lack of respect for me - cannot see that giving our DS his presents and jelly the day before last after standing there as I told our DS that we're having dinner first and give him only fruit and no jelly, is a complete lack of respect for me!! This has ahappened ever since we had our DS - she would even bring sandwiches for my H when DS was having treatment for cancer but no lunch for me - and I had just had major surgery myself never mind our DS had just been diagnosed with cancer? Is that twisted or what?

Funnily enough, he just called me on the mobile (and he's upstairs) to say he's off to bed. Can he not walk to see me face to face? Obviously his love for me has faded too.

I would just rather look after my DS and not have to take responsibility for my H. He doesn't want to get a full time job, keeps talking about get-rich-quick schemes and then losing thousands of my hard earned cash (we've previously had to sell our house to pay back his best friend the £10k he borrowed and lost on another get-rich-quick scheme).

Sorry, I said in a nutshell didn't I?

So should I move out with our DS, or ask him to go - it won't be a complete shock as we've talked about seperating before - or should we allow our DS, who has been through so much anyway, to stay in the one home and then H could stay at his mother's a few days a week whilst I care for our DS and then I could get a room in a house elsewhere when H is in charge of him?

Cannot afford a seperate house and would not want our DS to split time between two homes - but then cannot and do not want him in the middle of a completely loveless relationship. Poor boy often tells us to stop arguing - now that's not good is it?

I have not thought of anything else all day and have fantasised about how free I would feel...oh dear! Help!

By the sound of it, you're not being daft at all. Maybe H was in denial about the eye thing (though it sounds HORRIBLE, your poor little DS ), if he were otherwise a sensible caring person, and after all he did have an "expert's" diagnosis to support his lack of action, but when added to the rest of his behaviour it indicates he is just an idiot. (Telephoning your own wife from upstairs in the same house? Sounds a wee bit... weird, no?) No wonder he stands up for his mother over you: he is still a child himself. It clearly can't go on like this, as you say, for DS's sake if nothing else. Up to you whether you think he's worth giving a chance to pull his socks up and learn to be a proper partner and parent. It would be major ultimatum time if so!

I couldn't tell you what you should do, of course, but if you make a list of the pros and cons of the various options, you'd need to discuss them with the idiot H first and see what you can maybe agree to between you. If he can't agree to any reasonable compromise then it's awa' to the solicitors.

oh you poor poor thing.

ask him to move

you've given him enouhg

you had to sell your house to bail him out to the tune of £10 000 and he won't get a full time job

he is a feckless tosser

can i say cocklodger?

the fact you have fantasised about how free you would fee is very telling

you do'n't have to stay together you know

it sounds like he simply adds stress, heartache and worry to your life and you and DS are hardly being nurtured and supported by him

and MIL sounds vile too

DS deserves to stay as settled as possible in the family home, and let's face it, you are the main breadwinner and carer anyway.

H can move back in with mum , she clearly wants to nurture him and leave you out in the cold

she'd probably be thrilled

I agree with Lulumama. No reason for you to leave your home or get a room elsewhere.

Think you are right to concentrate on your DS.

You've already decided you need to split, haven't you? Get DH to move out and stay with his mother. You've got a sick son to worry about and youe DH can look after himself. Don't share the house with him (ie get yourself a room for some of the week) your DS needs the consistency of you at home. He is still very ill or could he stay with your DH and MIL at weekends? If not DH can always come round and visit him.

Thank you all so much for your supportive messages. Am sooo confused now as this morning he apologised and said he'd make more effort so he knows he's been an idiot.

Have decided to go to my mum and dad's for new year's eve and then spend time with my family for a day or two with our DS.

Will give H time to think about his behaviour (yes, very childish of me to say this but hey, that's how I feel) and then, when we get back, I am not expecting things to be any different but need to think about how I am going to do it...and yes, you're right, the MIL will be thrilled to have her eldest son back.