Terrible relationship with my sister - can anyone help me decide what to do!

[SloughofDespond]

I'm feeling like the worst bitch on earth again after having been barely able to stay civil to my sister over christmas.

We invited her and wanted her to come because the DC like to see her, also she traditionally comes (she's single) and I would feel bad not asking her. So I feel I am setting this up for myself but I don't know how to change it.

The problem is (IMO) we have a horribly unequal relationship in which she seems to try to suck up to me and get my approval and please me, and I find this unbearable and pull back and end up going quiet and sullen. I'm slightly older and it feels like all my life she has had lower self-esteem, been convinced that I'm better than her, needed my approval and unconditional support, and at the same time been resentful of me for being "better than her" at things. This is now crystallized even more because I have a DH and DC and she has trouble maintaining a relationship. To make matters even worse, I'm pg again and she is getting to the age where if she doesn't settle down she may well now not have DC, so I think her underlying resentment is at boiling point, while I'm hormonal and emotionally on edge.

I only have to look at her to start feeling guilty and responsible that I have what she wants and that she's not very happy. Sometimes she lets slip her resentment e.g. when I had my first DC the first thing she said to me afterwards was how unfair it was on her and how did I think I'd made her feel. But most of the time what she does is say how wonderful I am and suck up to me. In the past she's tried to pay for everything until I made it clear it made me really uncomfortable. More recently she's become "helpful" to the point of madness, e.g. trying to do every tiny little thing for me, hold my coat, pick up my handbag for me in a cafe, insist on taking things out of my hands if I'm having the slightest difficulty etc. - it drives me MAD. We ask her to help entertain the DC in order to give her something to do and let her feel useful, but I also find this difficult as she tries to take over the discipline side and it feels like she's trying to compete with me to be better at it, IYSWIM. I think this all makes me so angry as it's not about what I want at all - it's not helpful - it's about her neediness and desperation to be approved of. I find it all so fake and infuriating. And I'm now so oversensitive about it that if I sense even a whiff of neediness I clam up.

I get so frustrated and angry to the point where I really cannot bear her presence and have to force myself to be polite. I am not honest with her about it, for two reasons - 1) she can really blow up/get upset if she feels criticised, and 2) on the other hand it may give her an excuse to get all "cosy" and "let's have a heart to heart chat" with me and I would feel so crowded and needed I would push her away even more.

Reading this I can see that while she has some issues, it's also me that has a huge problem here as I can't just let this all wash over me, and get so wound up that by my coldness I must really hurt her. She asks DH what's up with me so I know she notices (he tells her I'm just a bit tired or some other excuse, but it's not fair on him to go through all this either).

I really feel like I can't bear her neediness and would love it if I never saw her again. But she's close to the DC and surely I should be able to work this out? I just can't carry on like this.

I'm on the point of emailing her and explaining it all - then at least I could say sorry and that I don't mean to hurt her. But DH thinks email is not a good idea as it can be misinterpreted etc. But the thought of face-to-face or even phone is too terrifying - I'd feel so out of control and overwhelmed if she got emotional and needy. DH also thought maybe I could suggest some kind of family counselling, like relate but for siblings - maybe that would help? Or could counselling on my own help? Or can anyone give me some perspective and help me just not care so much?

Thanks if you've read all this.

Thanks sleigh, the trouble is it is very hard to joke with her - she takes it personally and gets touchy.

Posh, we've tried talking to her supportively about dating etc but again she just gets very defensive and upset. She has tried internet dating and just met a load of twats - she has always had a magnetic radar for misogynist dickheads basically, or else dates men who are obviously actually gay, or 15 years younger and still live with their mum, or other unlikely-to-go-anywhere scenarios. If she tells us about a man and his dickwad behaviour and we try to gently say "well maybe just get rid and look for someone nicer, don't sell yourself short" she takes it as criticism of her choices and gets angry. She never jokes about why she hasn't found the right man or makes light of it - she's very, very upset about it. To be fair she does get rid after a few weeks or months and it's good she hasn't had DC or long-term abusive relationships with the utter gits she's been out with. She was in abusive relationships when she was a lot younger so at least she has learned to spot the signs a bit sooner.

If we suggest any particular dating site she also reacts very angrily saying she's tried it and it's f*cking useless etc. We've learned to steer clear really.

This part of is the problem, everything is so touchy and it's all such a minefield. If she's getting her way ie being allowed to be "helpful" (and IMO controlling), there's a veneer of sweetness and light but if she feels challenged or thwarted it goes tits up very fast.

Hi again. I keep thinking about your dilemma (prob because mine is fresh after xmas again). Altho I am more like your sister, the manipulative stuff is difficult - my sister sends my kids presents and tells my mum how welcome they are to visit (the Carribbean). Maybe, you have more in your life (dh, dcs) so your sister shaped gap is quite small, whereas if you were both single you might need/enjoy her company more? Whereas she is clinging on to the cool aunt role as it is really important to her. Also, altho well intentioned, dating advice from happy couples always goes down badly, as patronising, pointless, etc, so maybe steer clear from this? I don't know how to help- you sound like you want her in your life, so maybe try to steer things your way? What cd you let her control? A day a month with the dcs? Bedtime stories when she visits? Shopping trips at birthdays? Something that she likes and is percieved as helpful to you? Good luck.