DV advice please

[sageadvice]

I have name changed as I suspect ex partner peruses mumsnet to keep tabs on me now and again.

I left an emotionally abusive relationship which was at times violent too, and spent time in a refuge with my children before settling where I am now. This was a few years ago now and my ex partner has since sought help and counselling for his problems. This meant that contact between my DS and his father was able to take place, aided by the fact that he then formed what seemed to be a secure new relationship with a lovely woman who also had two children.
I have always had concerns over the stability of my ex partner and the abuse and his personality issues are complex and hard to explain but essentially he is a compulsive liar and has entirely fabricated beliefs of himself which he presents as reality to people that meet him. There are elements of narcissism amongst other issues.

Some of the made up stuff is almost funny due to its' ridiculous nature but all in all it is rather sinister and I have since learned new things which have made me seriously doubt any progress the man seemed to have made.

His relationship has ended and I have recently spoken to his now ex girlfriend and the deceit that has gone on is unbelievable and we now share very similar accounts of the same man though she has not been violently abused. I am so sad for her and her DC. We have both been conned and lied to and financially ruined due to extensive deception by the father of my son and the ex previous to me tells a similar story.

ExDP has been 'absent' for a few months now and has stopped all contact with his son (my DS) and we heard nothing of him over xmas despite me querying his plans by text - though I had told him that I was not going to allow unsupervised contact until I felt he was more settled and in control of his life earlier this winter.

However, the reason for my post is this:

It has come to light that exdp had violently threatened the daughter of his ex girlfriend and that this was witnessed by my son and the 2nd child of this lady. I knew nothing of this until yesterday.

My son, coincidentally, spoke to me over xmas about hitting incidents with his father in my absence, and indeed I was throttled by the same man and though I semi dismissed claims at the time, my DD complained of him 'falling on her accidentally' which made me suspicious.

Like I say I left the total arse years ago and have kept close tabs on contact arrangements but he has threatened (immediately prior to my fleeing our home in fear of him) that he would kill us all and so on.

I feel very confused by the situation. This man is very mixed up and a lot of the 'drama' is part of the fabricated dramatic existence he likes to have iyswim, which has made me, on reflection question the true severity of his abusiveness. There is no doubt that his modus operandi is scarring and draining to anyone trying to live with him but I figured that he is probably not a violent man, per se. (I sound a bit headfucked here don't I?)

Now I am not so sure.

So, if I am being misled yet again by his apparent 'recovery' and ability to be normal and non abusive, then I am at risk.

I have heard is has come to live very near to me but I don't know where and I am starting to actually feel somewhat terified by his capabilities.

I just don't know what to do.

I think that if I speak to the DV unit it will be like saying 'excuse me but i'm a little worried my ex partner is so mental he could murder me and chop me into little peices but I cannot justify this suspicion awfully well'.

Bottom line is I'm scared but I don't know what to do. He is a real charmer on the surface but utterly devious and with violent form.

Call the DV unit (I posted on your previous thread but don't know if you saw it). THey will NOT think you are wasting their time and while they may not be able to tell you wether he has actually moved nearby, they may be able to advise you on, for instance, getting a non-molestation order so if he shows his face anywhere near you he can be carted off to the cells.

Report it. Log everything. Report the violence against your DCs. Please ensure that you have done all you can to ensure you and your family are safe.

I do think you still seem to half doubt yourself and, from what you've said, he sounds like a dangerous man who should be kept well away from you and your DCs.

I would contact your local DV unit Police, or you may have a local womens safety unit?
They can complete a risk assessment with you ( sometimes known as DASH or CAADA)
Your local authority sshould employ a DV liason officer/ advocate, they might help.
Or try your local Womens Aid?

Dont keep it to yourself anyway.
If you think you are at risk then people will listen.

It's better to feel a little bit silly and shamefaced than for anything bad to happen to you or your children. You need to log everything as you may be glad you did later. I would strongly advise you to speak to the DV unit and tell them of your concerns. All you really need to say is, "I am worried, have heard exP is moving into my area and have reason to fear for my and my kids safety".
And, I agree with the others who have posted above.

Come back and tell us how you are getting on

Could the Women's Aid 24 hour helpline help?

Link here:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

thats a frighteningly similiar story to mine,so much so that for a minute i wondered if you were talking about my ex!!

we had to go to court for his contact,which is nil right now. i spoke to CAFCASS about his threat to kill himself and take the kids with him. in court his med history was brought out....showed 9 suicide attempts in 18 months....i was believed. he gets nothing. we're quibbling over phone contact right now....i wont even support that!!

also,with concerns i had about his behaviour with children,i alerted social services.

god mine made suicide attempts galore too

i am thinking either the women's aid run refuge or their helpline might be best first port of call

i good lord what is going on with my namechanges?

sageadvice - Don't trust anything he tells you, does, or may have engineered. Some people (not too many, luckily) really are this insane imaginative and, whilst you should of course report your fears to every related agency, you shouldn't take it for granted they will immediately act on them.

Point being that, eventually, the records will link up but only if you put your concerns on record!

Also, well done you for contacting your predecessor and successor If more anxious partners did this, the nutters disturbed people would have fewer opportunities to use others for their own ends. Can you talk to them about your worries now; make sure that you have ALL registered your concerns with the relevant agencies? Should help the records join up faster ...

The police will probably do a drive-by for a few nights if you ask them but, unless you've got a distance order, they have little to go on.

If you genuinely (perhaps after talking to the other women) believe your kids are at risk, rope in your brothers/malefriends/DCs' pals dads to collect them from the school gate. And alert their teachers.

Sometimes you have to accept that DRAMA is entering your life, whether you want it or not ...

This is not the time to "understand" him. Leave that to whichever professionals eventually get landed with him.

Good luck.

First of we all have narcissistic traits and lying is simply a type of behaviour. What makes the behaviour psychiatrically abnormal is not its degree or its purpose, but the extent to which the individual has power over it. The fact that a behaviour may cause more harm than good and that there does not seem to be a rational reason for it may be indicators of problems but it isn't is necessarily sufficient to establish a psychiatric disorder.

Whether your ex partner has mental health problems or not there is a history of DV and you feel at risk so are justified in speaking to the DV Unit.

How old are your children? Although the effects of their Father's behaviour on them is important withdrawing contact should always be a last resort. Children who maintain some form of contact are generally more secure about their parentage and therefore have better self esteem, which in turn leads to better emotional health and relationships in adulthood.

If you are concerned the children are at risk there are contact centres and indirect contact. Respect (the association for DV perpetrator programmes) is a partner of the virtual contact centre, Dads' Space 1-2-1.

I have asked for an arrangement via a contact centre but was told that HE would have to ask for it not me. Needless to say he has not asked for it.

I uphold my child's right to see his father absolutely but I am also aware of my responsibilities to protect him, to be the parent and to make decisions on his behalf.

This is an awful responsibility and there is great turmoil between allowing him to have a relationship with his father but also to remain safe.

STIDW Thank you for your post, you appear to have some knowledge in the areas this issue touches.

I am certain that the man who is father to my youngest son qualifies as mentally unwell. I know this, I have spoken to the people that have assessed him.

He has absolute control over his actions with little control over his decision making. Thus, he makes suicide threats with complete cognition and yet is powerless to utilise more effective means of controlling his own life and coexisting with others around him without resorting to manipulation deceit and other controlling behaviours, sadly.

could he be borderline personality disorder? my ex has been diagnosed with this. if you read up on the traits there are a few different strands,

not that i am aware of ilove - i have read a book on bpd and don't think he is. the psych reports are somewhat conflicting.

he has the whole self importance thing going on - degree that doesn't exist, jobs he never had, near death experiences that never occurred, fake periods of psychosis where he loses power of speech.

writing this makes me angry - he took away chunks of my life

oh yes...mine had cancer..not
a stationary army job...told everyone he just returned from Iraq

has a limp from a car accident,he was speeding....told everyone great stories of being wounded in Iraq!! (makes me livid that on,due to real losses over there)

delusions of grandeur...noting can ever be run of the mill ordinary in his life

sickening

how do you cope with knowing the truth when others are still in awe because they still believe in these people?i find it a little like being in dream where you are trying to speak but nobody can hear you. my exp is very convincing to many, it is frightening feeling you may be disbelieved or that people don't understand how these types could actually make SO MUCH stuff up

"being in dream where you are trying to speak but nobody can hear you"

You might have PTSD. Are you, yourself, being adequately cared for?

I find distance between us works! He was chucked out of the army in the end for assaulting his new girlfriend, he was put in a hostel miles away where he has stayed

He has got ten times worse since we split.

I would speak to the DV unit. They are used to dealing with this type of thing and I dont think they would be as dismissive as you think.

I had a similar problem when I split from my ex. The police would do a drive by every so often until things had settled down and even phoned to make sure I was okay in the house and that he hadnt turned up while they werent there.

I'm sorry I cant advise about the contact situation. My ex doesnt see DS. But maybe the DV unit would be able to give you some contacts who could discuss your concerns.

Police great, will update later