DP shouted at me

[Makipuppy]

I've been festering about this.

On Christmas day DP and I were at his mum's house.

I had DS (15 weeks) on my lap when MIL-to-be handed me a wine glass full to the brim with very hot mulled wine. At that exact moment DS did a massive wriggle. I tried to put down the glass but was scared of scalding DS. DS rolled off me (I was sitting on a low sofa) and sort of plopped onto the floor. Basically, I dropped my beautiful baby

He was fine of course but that's not the point I felt terrible.

DP leaped up and started shouting at me saying what the hell are you doing how could you drop him, if you'd done that at home you'd have killed him (we have a ceramic floor). His language was significantly stronger than I describe here.

This was in front of MIL, and DN who will be coming to live with us soon, so part of our family. I find it utterly out of order that he spoke to me like this particularly in front of others although I quite admit I was in the wrong and already feel terrible that I didn't refuse the wine, or throw it in the other direction or use some instinct that mother's have that I don't seem to have acquired yet .

I know DP was just upset that DS might be hurt (and stressed by being around his bizarre family) but I also know that accidents can happen and as I'm with DS most of the time they are more likely to happen on my watch and I can't bear it if reacts in this way.

Surely you can't speak to each other like this in front of children whatever happens?

We truly are very happy together, but he was brought up with less boundaries than me when it comes to saying what you think.

We are otherwise very happy.

Actually, he should have shouted at his mum for being stupid enough to give you a hot drink whilst holding a baby.

Even my MIL has never been that daft!
Or he should have taken baby so you could have the drink.

He was perhaps shocked/embarrassed & reacted badly.

I´d tell him how upset you are, but that you need support not condemnation & perhaps he could help you in such an awkward situation in future?

You poor thing, dont feel too bad as it is easy to think using hindsight. Your dp shouldnt of spoken to you like that but maybe he was in shock.
Iam surprised your mil gave you the wine when you had your baby in your arms.

He is clearly over reacting but to throw in a tiny bit of defence he was probably terrified that the baby was going to be really hurt. However, once it was established that the baby was fine he should have apologised.

He was out of order for shouting at you, MIL was out of order for passing you the drink, and you were out of order for not saying to MIL, 'please put it on the table/whatever'

Accidents happen, and tbh I would of much prefered for my dc to 'plop' on the floor then have a hot drink spilt on them.

I yelled at DH in a similar situation once. It was crappy of me, but I was scared.

Unless he is generally bullying and rude to you, I think yelling in this instance (shock and fright) is no big deal. I'd have yelled, too.
Bear in mind that no one is actually hurt (babies do sometimes get dropped and fall off things with no harm done), you're best of forgetting it.

And another time speak up!

My husband is overly protective (I think!) of our kids and always treats me like a neglectful mum, not realising that it is also in my best interest to keep my kids healthy and in one piece. That said, he's also very protective of me - I think it's just a "role" some men take on - not meant in any good or bad way, that's just the way they feel.

Speaking your mind is fine, but there's a time and a place for it. It doesn't matter who was in the wrong or in the right, as long as you tell him how much he upset you and why (tone of voice, language, in front of others and own child, doubting your ability to be a good mother).

thanks. He's generally good but we often clash on the 'time and a place' thing.

Also he has no sense of scale in these things - a slight accident is the same as a major one.

I did speak up at the time but he sort of hissed at me because he was still really angry and rather than make a scene in front of his mum I've left it, hence this post to give me some ideas of how I can broach it with him.

He was really stressed because MIL (yes, she of the hot wine) had given DN (12) his second glass of champagne. Her other son is an alcoholic so you'd think she'd say no when he asked for it.

i really appreciate your kind words. It's awful to think they could get hurt.

If he isn't normally like that then I'm sure it was just a reaction because he was so scared.

To be honest, given the fact that he perceived that his child was in danger (accidentally, I know) it would be odd if he DIDN'T act this way.

If he's not USUALLY like this, I'd shrug it off.

Your MIL seems to be more than slightly barking tbh. Two glasses of champagne for a child?!?! I hope they were very small glasses. I was FURIOUS with XH because he deceived DS4, who is also 12, into taking a little sip of Bucks Fizz. I had to calm the poor little soul down and assure him that he would take no harm at all from a small sip of weak alcohol. DS4 still harks back to it and it was months ago. I take it as an example of just how divorced XH is from Planet Earth. And I'm not a fussy parent as a rule (and have occasionally dropped my offspring too - DS1 and 4 were terrible wrigglers - they're still here to tell the tale, the incident above was at DS1's wedding!).

Good thing you are going to have the raising of DN from now on.

I would like to add that if you had been at home with the ceramic floor you probably would have dropped the drink (easily mopped up) and held the baby. Being on a low sofa over a carpet you took the other option . . . you probably don't feel you "took a decision" but you probably did.

One of my DCs was scarred for life by a hot drink. They have also all rolled off low sofas onto floors at some time. I know which I prefer.

I think your DH is being a prat not apologising, although I understand his fear at the time.

I would point out to him that a) you were put in a dangerous position by HIS mother, to whom he said nothing, that b) there was no harm done, c) you feel bad enough without his input, thank you and d) you intend to respond in a similar fashion the next time he does something that is not quite 10/10 on the safety scale - because he will; we all do.

Sorry I meant that you probably instinctively "knew" that DS would be ok as you were over carpet, and you were right, so the "if we were at home" thing does not apply.

Thanks Balloon, I do think at home I would have dropped the drink. I could have thrown the drink right away but it could still have splashed DS or someone else and anyway it would have been very dramatic and messy behaviour at MIL's house. I'm very sorry your DC had an accident, hope it wasn't too serious.

I did mutter at the time that I'd react the same when he did something wrong but of course I won't. I'm going to talk to him about it because I can see the same sort of situation occurring again. We do have an issue with the way he speaks to me when angry or upset but I don't think it's based on a lack of respect for me but rather his bizarre upbringing where everyone shouted and swore at everyone else.

The 2 glasses of champagne became 3 . And he didn't have to come with us when we went out for the day since he said he preferred to stay behind and play his computer games - DP was livid but said to me leave it because when it comes to us in a few weeks everything will change.

This is why he is coming to live with us! MIL has a bad record when it comes to bringing up boys.

Three? at age 12?

#faint#

Agree your DP needs to learn to moderate his reactions, especially with two children around. He was probably sort of shouting at his mother by shouting at you, if that makes sense. Understandable, but not sustainable.

No doubt you'll have a few "ishoos" early on with DN, given his upbringing to date; understanding and an iron hand in a velvet glove approach called for, methinks! The best of luck to all of you. And keep a tight grip on that baby...!

Thanks Annie, yes DN is going to go through a period of adjustment with us the poor thing! It's not his fault of course, but he is getting very cheeky at school, bunking lessons etc. although otherwise a lovely, kind boy.

The champagne thing was awful. DP said when his brother was drinking heavily and starting to dabble in drugs as a young teenager, his mum always gave him money for Christmas and birthdays and he used to wonder what planet she was on. This is the brother who is now a drug addict . When we tried to talk to her about she just said 'I am how I am' meaning that she can't stand up to him.

Yes, baby in vice-like grip even since!

oh poor you how scary, I imagine your DH shouted at you because he was scared and protective of his son. It is good that his natural reaction is that I suppose but rubbish for you as it makes you feel even worse.

My poor DD fell of a sofa at 16 months and fratcured her arm, it was just me in the house at the time but I dread to think what DP's reaction would have been if he had been there, I am amzed actually he didn't shout at me when he met me at a+e. I think it is just a protective instinct that parents have, even though accidents happen and it is not helpful to anyone to get annoyed with the parent who was there at the time.

I used to have a dodgy computer chair that would randomly fall over. I was once MNing and NAK with my eldest when it fell. I knew that if I held LO then baby would get hurt (we were falling into other furniture) so I took the decision to throw - not far, just clear of the soon to be crash site. I felt so bad! I was hurt most, baby was upset (food snatched away then thrown) but not hurt.

I think we develop the ability to judge in a moment all the possible scenarios and decide which is the safest for our precious child. It sounds like you did just that, you worked out what the safest way was and did it. Don't feel bad, in a different situation you'd have reacted differently because you would have evaluated the possible courses and done the one that was best.

aw confuddled, thanks for that. DS was only a little bit upset at the time, he stopped crying after a few moments, but started again about five minutes later, as if he'd suddenly become indignant!