need advice re: relationship with father

[MarjoryMoores]

ok - I have ishoos with my father and need some advice as its just too much at the moment.

a bit of background.. I am adopted - my father is infertile.

father had lots of affairs when we were young and parents got divorced when I was mid teens. father had much younger gf (only a few years older than me) and due to his boarding school and forces background struggles to have any type of relationship with more than one person at any time. he is unable to show any emotion and has never apologised for being a complete and utter shit to us as a family. never wanted to be with us or do anything together.

so...fast forward 15-20 years. I now see my father a few times a year and invite him to see dc's school plays etc so that he doesn't miss out on seeing them grow up (he didn't see us grow up so I kind of feel like I'm making up for that through the dc's). Its just too painful though - I just don't want to see him - his behaviour has screwed me up wrt to raising a family (find it hard to trust dh - although he is the most amazing man ever - I don't ever 'act' on any of my trust issues though as know how damaging that can be.

just got back from seeing my father, step mum and her family - it feels like the whole thing is such a sham - my father never speaks to me and I don't speak to him as just can't bring myself to. before going out this morning I just lost it with the dc's and really yelled at them as it just feels too stressful to have contact.

I feel like I just want to cut him out - but don't know how or if that is even the right thing to do

added to this i feel like my brother is turning into my father which makes me feel really sad

sorry this is just a bit of rant really

do you think he will change?
i dont think so.
if it is so upsetting then cut him out, life is short.

Marjory, your post made me want to cry.

I cut contact with my horrible daddy for a few years in my twenties - I cornered him, explained briefly what it was about, then coldly asked him to put me on to M whenever I phoned. He was a bit more respectful after that (not much, but anything was a win at that stage!)

I really don't think your trying to make up for your lack of a decent family life by subsituting your children for his (= you & B) is healthy or helpful. Nice try, but in real terms you're acting out a classic dysphoria and don't kid yourself the DCs won't notice

Your parental history hasn't got anything to do with being adopted. It's about your Dad's emotional problems, which he's had since childhood as you indicate.

You can either dump him - afford him enough respect to explain why - or you can set out your rules. He might respond better than you expect to this, given his background! Imagine you are his Colonel; present him with the terms of engagement

If, after a little time for it to sink in, you still don't get a sensible response, cut him out. Life's too short - and your children's futures are long

All the best. Really.

Thank you - sorry didn't get a chance to come back to this last night.

I don't think he'll ever change tbh - and its taken years of therapy to get me to this stage of acceptance/understanding. Its always been too painful to fully address my relationship with him in a therapy environment.

I've been trying to let contact dwindle but stepmum is always trying to 'force' contact (for her own reasons as she seems obsessed with the appearance of a happy family). I think I'm scared of looking like the 'bad guy' if I'm the one who refuses to participate in family gatherings etc.

Tbh my father is probably completely oblivious that he causes me so much hurt.