i'm pullin my effin hair out with OH

[Booyule]

ok in the grand scale of things this isnt huge but day to day it is really getting to me and i am going to burst if it keeps on like this.

its not one of those should i leave him threads because he really is lovely and we get on fantastically and he is my one and we are secure and content in our relationship its just that he doesnt lift one finger to help in the house.

when i do ask him to it's a row or a sulking session and even if he does do something he does it half assed and i cant take anymore.

he is in the navy and stationed away from home so i am the one who runs the house 90% of the time, which is totally fine by me. we have two dses.

he has built up a lot of leave so he could be home for this christmas and has been here now for about 5 weeks. i am on maternity leave so we are both home full time at the minute but i am still doing all the housework and i'm getting really fed up with it.

i've had several chats with him about it and it always follows the same pattern. he'll sulk, then agree that i'm right and he will do more around the house and then he just carries on the same. i even got one of those magnetic white board for the fridge and made up a rota (as if for a CHILD) i showed it to him, asked if he had any thoughts on it, what jobs he would like to do, anything i'd missed out on. he said it was all good, agreed to do the jobs and surprise surprise he hasnt done it once.

his day consists of sleeping in til about half 9, getting up, pulling on some trackbottoms and a t-shirt, head to the gym for an hour and a half in my car because he doesnt have one. then he comes back and logs on to the laptop to play computer games. i will ask him to do things through the day and they will eventually get done (after he's finished this level). he has to be specifically asked to watch the children if i want to go to the shower/shop/hang the washing/wash the dishes. if i ask him to dress the children they end up in the first thing he can grab and he leaves their dirty clothes at his arse on the floor.

so the routine continued and this morning i asked him to take our duvet and bed throw to the laundrette on his way to the gym. of course this was an unbelievable thing to ask someone to do as it meant him stopping the car and lifting something out of it. how unreasonable of me. anyway, the gym was closed so he came straight home and headed for the laptop. i told him i would like to use it first to check my bank accounts so he SAT DOWN and watched cbeebies with ds1. all the while i'm looking at the pile of ironing, washing waiting to be hung, dishes in the sink, 4 YO needing his teeth brushed, floor needing hoovering, bathrooms needing cleaned. so i said "do you remember we had the chat about doing all the necessary before we leave the house or sit down to chill?" and he said he did. so i continued "well, do you think we could start doing it?" "what do you mean?" "well, there are things that should have ben done this morning before you went to the gym." "i took your duvet to the laundrette didn't i?" "is it just my duvet?" "anyway,i didnt have time to do anything, i'm going to my mum's this afternoon." "well you should get up earlier then" "oh ffs, whatever" end of conversation and now he's gone to his mum's and still nothings done except the dishes and washing that ive done. i had the children dressed and fed before he was even up so he didnt have any of that to do, he literally showered and left for his mums.

i'm sick of asking him to do things. i'm sick of him sulking when i do ask. i'm sick of trying to put it into terms he likes. i'm sick of him not seeing what needs done. i'm sick of him thinking this is all my responsibility. why is it my washing and my dishes and my ironing but he when they're not in the wardrobe they're his clothes and when its not on the table it's his dinner?

how can i get him to see that all this stuff is his repsonsibilty as much as mine and that i should have to ask him to do it. i really dont want top become the nagging woman because it will get us nowhere except more rows. ive done all the chats and division of chores. nothing has stuck.

i need to make it clear to him in no uncertain terms (without losing my rag) that he has to step up and take responsibility.

Just stop doing things for him. Quietly, calmly. And when he points out there's no dinner or clean clothes point out where the washing machine and fridge are.

he is away most of the time so is used to thinking only of himself.

This won't come across very well written down - but you aren't doing any more than you usually do, right? unless you are doing his tidying/cooking/washing as well?

You can't make him help around the house - but you do get to choose whether this is a deal breaker or not.

youre right, the only extra i'm doing is his washing and cooking but it really cracks me up that i dont get any help to do it.

i'm not his mum and he's not 5. in fact even my 4 yo can tidy his toys away and set the table for dinner.

i've told him that i expect him to to his fair share when he's here and not just do when he's asked. ive tried to explain how things wouldnt get done if i did as much as he does.

i know he is here for a break, he is on leave and i know he works hard when he is away but really all i'm asking him to do is basic tidying. i dont want him to do it all, but at the minute i am doing it all while he is here and i dont think it's fair.

Of course it's not fair and you have explained very reasonably to him.

have you considered throwing a strop and yelling that he has to help?

or telling him that unfortunately you don't feel particularly horny after you've been doing housekeeping all day but that you might if he got off his butt to help.

That last was another mumsnetters tip which I will never forget.

No it's not. And he needs access to your car. Could you find the keys in a minute/when you've finished? And yes that is childish so you amy, in the interst of maturity tell him equal car means equal chores.

may not amy sorry!

yes i have stropped and it doesnt work.

havent tried witholding sex. [makes note]

good idea about the car. i did once wash everything but his clothes and he didnt notice. he just said, "when you're doing a wash will you make sure to wash my gym shorts?"

also another thing that just struck me, we have a no shoes rule, that applies to everyone but him!!! and when i remind him he sighs!!!!! arrgh

Agree with keeping hold of the car keys and then miraculously finding them when the chore is done.

How about hiding them in the washing machine or at the bottom of the ironing pile?

So as he is behaving like a child could you tell him you will be treating him like a child, even going so far as to cut up his food for him, take the piss.

You have to get throught o him though, it's a basic lack of respect.

bottom of washing basket is the best thing i've heard.

ive just finished folding the washing and as petty as this sounds i have put all mine and ds 2's away (he's 7 months) and set ds1's and OH's in their own pile awaiting their return. and i bet ds1 put his away neater than OH. well theyre his clothes if he wants to reiron them that's his choice.

i have on occasion told OH he is in charge of dinner. the kitchen ends up a mess and no-one gets fed until way past dc's bedtime. by which point they are beyond hunger.

Have you left him with the dcs on their own for a day?
You need to have a break for your sake to recharge your batteries don't you.

I agree with mamas12 - I would go aeway for a couple of days & leave him to it.

i havent ever left him for a whole day with them, at most its been about 2 hours, maybe 3.

and i still come back to the same scene i left.
ds1 infront of cbeebies
ds2 chewing the corner of the rug
Oh on laptop.

the actual housework isnt the thing that bothers me, i do it when he's away and day to day it isnt that much but i hate doing it knowing that he is right there and completely capable of doing it the same as i do. i resent doing it all when he is here.

as long as you keep doing it he won't.

What are his good points, exactly?

Get a cleaner or some help with the chores. Life is too short.

I think you should disappear for a week. Leave schedules printed and stuck in obvious places around the house.
Remove the laptop and wires for the TV! etc etc
If he calls text him what you've written here. Leave lots of cooked meals, with a note, made with love. Explain you're doing it because love him and don't want to end up really having a massive row and leaving him.

oh he has lots of good points. aside from housework he's very hardworking and we get on like a house on fire.

i really couldnt justify a cleaner when there are two fully capable adults here all day at the minute. and really i shouldn't have to. is it totally unreasonable to expect a grown man to hang a wash or run the hoover round in the day?

My OH did this and I just stopped doing anything for him. So for eg, I cooked dinner then washed all the untensils etc and left only his plate - did this for about 5 days and eventually the ony clean plate was "mine" so he was forced to wash up "his" plates.

Did the same with laundry, just kept leaving his stuff in the basket and not washing it, and when he asked me to do it I said I "forgot" (his response to house chores).

He is now a lot better at cleaning things up - I know it's etty but I am neat and it was driving me mad that he was happy to et me do everything. I also tried talking, doing a rota etc and none of it worked.

He is still totally shit at not using every utensil when cooking (but at least he is cooking!) and also totally shit at putting things back where they should be (ie cans in recycling, loo roll back when used the last), and he never ever tells me when he uses the last of something.

So he is better but still a PITA!

What I want to know is why you have never left him alone with his own children for more than a few hours?

How has this happened?

When I met DH I had dd1 and he used to look after her whenever the need arose for example my best friend wanted to go and stay with her brother a few hours drive/ train ride away for her 21st birthday so a group of us girls went and my DH looked after dd1 for 2 days on his own. Another time he has looked after our dd's a lot was when I returned to work after mat leave and I was working evenings and weekends. He's also looked after them while I've gone on pamper days or a few hours shopping or to visit friends and I do the same so he can have some time to himself.

I genuinely don't understand how it could have happened that you have never needed time to yourself in all the time you have been a mum? Especially as he is away so much as personally I'd have been leaving the dc's with him as much as I needed to while he is there to look after them.

I don't know about yours but my children didn't come with a handbook I just had to learn what to do by myself so I don't see why he should be left rules or instructions, they are his children too and he should be a man and look after them and you without being told to.

I think if this situation is ever going to get better you need to stop letting him do so little.

The gym, playing computer games? All well and good as long as he is helping with the dc's and the house, everyone needs some chill out time.

Today Dh got up with our dd's then I got them ready and took them out for about 5 hours whilst he was at home he had a bath, cleaned the house and played mario in a bit he will make our dd's some dinner and something for him (I'm not bothered as we had a big lunch when we were out) it's all about give and take and compromise etc.

well, the reason he hasnt had them alone for more than a few hours is
a) because he is away so much that if i need to do something it's usually my mum that has them.

and

b) our history is a bit muddled in that we separated before ds1 was born and only got back together last august.

he's been on a few short deployments and one long six month one since then. the six month one started when ds2 was 11 days old and ended at the end of november so the chance to leave them alone has only really been in the last month or so.

Well that sounds fair enough then. I do agree with other posters that the only way for him to get it into his head is too leave him alone with them for a week or so. I am willing to bet it is only 3-4days at the most before he is begging you to come home at which point you should say I will come home in 24 hours if the house is spotless and there is food in the fridge/ cupboards and all the washing has been done.

You regualrly have the house and dc's by yourself whilst pregnant and manage to cope perfectly fine so as a man of the world he should be more than able to manage

Fwiw my aunt is married to an army bloke and he has always done all the ironing, washing and is fab at keeping the house nice and looking after her she is treated like a princess and that's how it should be in turn she also treats him like a prince and has been there for him 100% has followed him all over the world and they have been together since they were 14 (now both nearly 50)

Come on, if your husband was away most of the time would you really sacrifice the rare times he is home going away for a week, just to make a point?

Over housework?

OP has said in other ways he is lovely, personally I would be grateful for all the good points and live with the fact he wont do anything around the house on the rare occasions he is home.

She is pregnant with 2 ds's already and he really thinks its ok to spend his time at the gym or playing computer games.......Yes I would leave him for a few days at least until he understood that being at home also meant helping at home and not like going to a hotel to be waited on.

The fact he is away most of the time is not an excuse for him to come home and do nothing just because she has to get on with it most of the time doesn't mean it's ok for her to do the lion's share when he is there. He should be giving her a break not allowing or expecting her to treat him like another child.