To react, or not to react?

[CoffeelikeTar]

Should I react when DP goes in a mood and gives me the cold shoulder?

He does this quite often. If I complain about anything or say anything wrong, I get the cold shoulder from him.

He makes it really obvious too. For instance, we ALWAYS cuddle in bed and if I'm in "trouble" he will face the other way and not come anywhere near me.

Last night for example he'd left two used teabags on the kitchen work surface. The bin is only a few steps away he does this every night and I have asked him many times not to. So last night I just said "can you put those tea bags in the bin please?"

Anyway, he did it but that was pretty much the last time we spoke to each other! He stayed away from me in bed completely.

Normally I would pander to him and say "why are you in a mood?" but last night I just couldn't be arsed so I didn't react at all and still have not mentioned it.

My question is, should I react? If I do he'll just say "I'm tired" and then make a token gesture to put his arm around me to prove it. I feel like I'm letting him get away with it by not mentioning it ..... but then, does it hurt them more if you don't bother reacting?

Yes, react...tell him to stop being so bloody childish then get on with your life. Treat him just the same as you would a sulking child. Don't reinforce his behaviour and just get on and do what you'd normally do, talk to him normally etc. He'll soon feel ridiculous.

Agree with Pheebe - how childish. I used to live with a man like this (long, long time ago). It's very tiring worrying about their moods or huffs all the time.

Its like the other night. I've felt really ill since around christmas eve. Hot and cold shivers, dizzyness, stomach pains etc and on boxing day, I was laid on the sofa under teh duvet along with DP. Anyway, he started touching me up under the duvet. I made it clear I wasn't up for anything sexual but he continued anyway. He then stood up and ripped the duvet from me (as a "joke" ) and I'd already said I was freezing.

So I snapped at him and said "stop it, I don't feel well" so he groaned, chucked the duvet back on me and started locking up etc ready for bed. We'd had it planned that we were going to watch a movie.

I was annoyed so said "I thought we were watching a film!?" so he snapped "well put it on then if you want!" He then sat there as far away from me as possible on the sofa (when he ALWAYS puts his arm around me on the sofa just so that I knew he was in a mood.

I did react that time and he eventually said "sorry, I was just a bit tired and grumpy" I get this excuse EVERYTIME.

How long have you been together and how long has this been going on? It's pathetic. But more subversive than that - instead of listening to you adult to adult and considering your (perfectly reasonable) requests seriously he's punishing you for expressing what you want.

In my experience of getting it entirely wrong (considerable) pandering doesn't work, it's just a nonverbal way of you apologising to him and therefore admitting that you think he is right to be punishing you (that's the submissive strategy). Ignoring doesn't work either with the committed sulker; they still get to enjoy their sulk and know you are really responding to it by studiously ignoring it so they know they have made their point (neutral strategy). Your only strategy is to go aggressive: challenge the sulk. Probably best to tackle the issue they are sulking about rather than the sulk itself but it's up to you. If all else fails a knee in the nuts at the first sign of a sulk is good Cognitive Behavourial Therapy.

pmsl missingtheaction if only I could get away with it!

Message withdrawn

Have you ever checked a list of EA behaviour? I am looking through one at the moment and everything you've mentioned so far ticks a box...

sorry if wrong x

What is EA behaviour? do you have a link?

There is other stuff too bloss, just little things but they add up I suppose. The train thing struck a chord with me because thats the kind of thing he'd do.

"Why don't you use the motorway?"
I don't like the motorway.

"Yes but its quicker"
I'm in no rush.

"What about the petrol?"
I'll pay the extra.

"The other roads will take forever though"
I don't mind.

"But its so silly, I'm just thinking of you ... "

because I wanna take the ffing country roads!!! do I need a reason????

And god help me if I arrange a night out.

There are loads you can look at, Womensaid.org.uk is a good one. I saw your other thread and alarm bells are definitely ringing. I can post the list from this book if you'd like.

Just had a quick look on womensaid and noticed another thing he does.

"Not listening and not responding when you talk". He does this all the time!

"I've been nominated for an award"
"umm"
"From work"
"yeah"
"Guess what for?"
"umm have you noticed this washing machine leaking lately?"

From what you had said on your other thread re xmas at your mums it did make me think of ea.

• Making the other person feel worthless
• Putting the blame for one's mistakes on the other person
• Minimising the other person's point of view
• Threatening or hinting physical or sexual abuse
• Going into fits of rage or anger
• Failing to fulfill commitments or promises made or implied
• Lying to avoid responsibility for the truth
• Refusing to acknowledge the other person's feelings
• Verbally or physically humiliating the other person through inappropriate gestures, comments or 'jokes'
• Using shame or guilt to manipulate the actions of the other person
• Not allowing the other person to articulate their feelings
• Denying the person access to his or her personal possessions or pets
• Withholding financial resources
• Refusing to communicate with the other person (the silent treatment)
• Displaying extreme ranges in mood
• Making conditional agreements in which the conditions keep changing to avoid fulfilling the agreement (eg'I will listen when you stop shouting' then still not listening)
• Using a hostile or sarcastic tone of voice with the other person
• Being critical of each action, thought, or remark of the other person
• Belittling, humiliating, marginalising, and/or ignoring the other person

taken from 'Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse' by Gregory L Jantz PhD

I do also have a copy of the Lundy book 'Why Does He Do That?' which is a favourite of MN. It has a list of early warning signs:

• He speaks disrespectfully about former partners

• He is disrespectful towards you

• He does favours for you tha you dont want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you feel uncomfortable

• He is controlling

• He is possessive

• Nothing is ever his fault

• He is self-centered

• He abuses alcohol or drugs

• He pressures you for sex

• He gets serious too quickly about the relationship

• He intimidates you when he is angry

• He has double standards

• He has negative attitudes towards women

• He treats you differently around other people

• He appears to be attracted to vulnerability

It also gives a list of questions to ask yourself:

Are you afraid of him?

Are you getting distant from friends or family because he makes those relationships difficult?

Is your level of energy and motivation declinging, or do you feel depressed?

Is your self-opinion declining, so that you are always fighting to be good enough and to prove yourself?

Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it?

Do you feel like you can't do anything right?

Do you feel like the problems in your relationship are all your fault?

Do you repeatedly leave arguements feeling like you've been messed with but can't figure out exactly why?

The questions were what did it for me. I answered yes to virtually all of those!

OP I feel for you. It must be like walking on eggshells if you don't know what's going to set him off next. Being tired and grumpy isn't an excuse to give anyone the silent treatment.