Christmas with abusive mother- how do you deal with the bad memories...

[festivefreakout]

Namechanged for this- there are some things I am too ashamed to admit to anyone.

The main thing is that I think I still hate her even though she has been through 20 years of therapy and is (to some extent) a different person now.

A lot of bad memories of her abuse have been stirred up by being here over Christmas and oddly, by a lot of the threads here about controlling men.

She couldnt' ever seem to see I was a separate person...I existed solely to please her, but I failed in that. If I laughed, I was 'hysterical'. If I wore something she didn't like, I had 'low self esteem' and was 'making myself look horrible'.

We were never allowed to lock the bathroom door in case she wanted to use the toilet (even though there was one downstairs.) She would come in and stare and make comments about my body- my breasts and pubic hair etc, and snigger about how I was 'not wasting away' etc.

I got very depressed at 13 or so and she freaked out, screaming at my dad that I was a disgrace, look at the state of me... I remember her saying 'she is my child, she is the way I made her and LOOK AT HER...'

The pain and rage over these and so many other incidents (like the times she used to strand us all on the pavement and lock herself in the car, leaving my dad to beg pathetically to be let back in, etc...he is a classic enabler) don't seem to go away.

I live in fear of being like her and I think it's really undermined my mothering. I don't feel adequate to look after my sons.

This Christmas she's in a bad, snappy mood and I can see the old mum returning. It sends me into a rage, I want to yell at her, but also feel so despairing that she still affects me like this. My dad has always been a 'devoted' husband, servant of the bully, jumping to her every wish. I despise him for that.

He has always put her before us and himself. I recently found out that he went on Valium after I was born so as to deal with HER behaviour, depression and bullying. He never allows us to say a word against her and attacks us if we do.

I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I am 37 ffs and feel like an angry teenager. Maybe I need to cut her out of my life for good. But I'm getting divorced and feel so alone. Maybe better alone than with her tbh.

Dizietsma- blimey. Glad to know it's not just me.

It frankly scares me that people can abuse the position of being a therapist like this. Some of the stuff my mother has said about her clients has chilled me. At one point, a client brought a complaint against her and she freaked out with a massive persecution complex for almost 6 months- with my dad as usual playing servant and comforter. She ranted on about how the woman was going to ruin her and she would have to sell the house to pay 'compensation', raged at her institute becasue they wouldn't 'look after her' properly- all in all behaved like a complete nutcase and I actually can't believe she wasn't disciplined in some way or at least told to sort the massive paranoia issue out before she started taking clients again- but no.

Yes, she is all into letting go of the past. And the word 'abuse' is banned. It never happened. She admits she was very unhappy during my childhood and says she is sorry 'if she hurt me'- if??? But it's all about her and how she suffered.

hbfac, I think the divorce thing has hurt me more than anything. She takes the attitude that 'what matters is the boys' not my feelings at all. I think she blames me for 'losing' my good solid high-earning husband. They both love him and constantly say nice things about him. It freaks me out as he's treated me like total shit this year but they just don't care about that. I know if one of my boys were going through this it would be imperative for me to be on their 'side' whatever that was...

Fwiw, ff, this has shades of my mother too. I'm sure you know this, but it's called narcissism. It cannot be reasoned with, and narcissists rarely change. As soon as I understood this, I felt a significant pressure lift from me. It had nothing to do with me. What you do after you know this is then up to you. Good luck!

from Wiki:

Hotchkiss's seven deadly sins of narcissism

Hotchkiss[11] identified what he called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:

Shamelessness - Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.

Magical thinking - Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.

Arrogance - If a narcissist is feeling deflated, s/he can reinflate him/herself by diminishing, debasing or degrading somebody else.

Envy - If the narcissist's need to secure a sense of superiority meets an obstacle because of somebody else, s/he neutralises it using contempt to minimise the other person's ability

Entitlement - Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves uniquely special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an "awkward" or "difficult" person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.

Exploitation - can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regards for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.

Bad Boundaries - narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

festivefreakout my family are similarly mad. I left my partner after seven years of domestic abuse and my sister and dad (no contact with my Mum) have been amazingly unsupportive. They have not comforted me physically or emotionally and are going out of their way to have an ongoing relationship with him and my MIL. They never ask how I am in any way or offer me support.

It's hurtful but also shows clearly that I cannot rely on them. My ex did some truly horrible things to me, including me spending a month in hospital after collapsing with the stress of it. My Dad never visited and my sister came twice after I had been in for a fortnight.

At least I am now clearer where I stand, even though it is sad. I don't feel bitterly hurt by it though, because deep inside I never expected them to be there for me.

I think the actions taken by our parents however trivial or horrific, take on all manner of new and fresh pain when we ourselves become parents.

If your mum is not a positive influence in your life, then have a break. Regroup and protect yourself and your family from negative feelings, behaviours etc.

I truly hope that you can find the strength to take the decisions to protect yourself and your family.

Sadly this year I'm getting on fine with my dad although I have a lot of issues with him too....

If I cut her off I automatically 'lose' him too, that has been the way it was in the past (I've spent a number of years not speaking to them before when I was younger- my teens at home were so horrible I didn't want much to do with them for a while).

your the same age as me.

i had a mother like yours. i had an abusive step father too.

why dont you just 'take a break' from your parents, just to assess what your needs are and where your at with all this.

when i did this the light dawned. i knew what i wanted. ive never looked back and im a happier person for it.

why not just give yourself a little break, no contact, nothing, just breathing space for as long as you need it.

therapy never did me any good. taking control of my self did though.

ff, your darling daddy failed to protect you while you were too little to know there was any other kind of parent. He's your crazy mom's enabler & that's why she chose him. Don't feel sorry for him; he's played this script all his life and gets satisfaction from his role.

She will never help you like you want to be helped because, even though she wants to believe she can, she is unable to see past her own, ever-hungry, never-quiet, insatiable ego.

This is sad for her and even more sad for you But don't rail against her, because it's pointless.

Stop wanting her to be your mummy. Learn how to parent yourself. That way, you'll be stronger inside - and a far, far healthier parent to your own DCs.

Distance her or manage her, according to your choice. (I guess I'd try a middle way - managing from a distance!)

But. Just. Give. Up. on wanting her to be who she is not. It'll do you about as much good as desperately trying to make the sun come up at night!

Sending you good wishes

I know Grace. It's not so much that he's my 'darling daddy' (not any more), it's more that during my childhood he was pretty much all I had in terms of support.

He is a bit of a wreck these days too, ill et al. All guilt triggers...

Festivefreakout, i wonder how has your story developed since you wrote this post?