Since my Dad died mt relationship with my Mum is suffering.....

[DrNortherner]

...and I am all over the place at the moment.

My mood with her jumps from feeling so sad and guilty she is alone at her house to wanting to scream and shout at her when she is heer with me.

She drives me insane. She is incapable of doing anything for herself, she can't work out my kettle as it's different to hers, she can't use teh Sky control cause she doesn't have one at home, she can't put her seatbelt on - 7 year old ds has to help her. She is not disabled, she is only 60, but my dad used to run around after her, and he must have diluted how bad things were.

She comes to my house fo a few days and never makes a cup of tea, she eats a meal me or dh have prepared and leaves the table without clearing her plate.....when I drove her home today she didn't say thanks for having me, thanks for the lift (150 mile round trip)

She moans about her family the whole time, she gets ridiculosuly upset because someone didn't send her a christmas card, she fabricates stories to amke dh's family and my friends feel sorry for her when I know she is exaggarating, she is so emotional needy it is driving me insane. I phone her evry day and listen to her, comfort her, console her. There is no space for me. She is no emotional or practical support to me whatsoever and I am becoming resentful of it and am worried what lies ahead for our relationship.

I loved and adored my dad and miss him so much, I tried so hard to make sure she was OK over the past few days, our first CHristmas without Dad. At one point she was sat on my sofa looking sad so I hugged her tight and she did not even hug me back - just sat with her arms folded staring straight ahead.

She was OK when I dropped her at home, I always call her to let her know I arrive home safe, and when I rang her she was hysterically sobbing. We are flying to Ireland tomorrow for a friends wedding so she said she didn't want to spoil our holiday but I am already worrying about her....

My dad's death has totally destroyed the world I knew, he loked after her and listed to her day in and day out, I can't do it, I can't be him and I feel like I am letting him down and he would be dissapointed.

God this is so hard

Sorry this is so long - just need to vent.

I can't offer any advice, but just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficulty with your mum. Your dad was obviously and important man in both your's and your mum's life.

All I can say is that it gets easier with time. My dad died when my mum was 61. They had been together since she was 14. He did everything - shopping, cooking, finances, a fair share of the cleaning. When they went out he did the talking. I really worried at how she would cope.

I found I had to do a lot of the stuff my dad did. She was local to me which made it easier but it meant I had to go and see her every evening after work and a long commute. She was very needy and I was concerned at one point that she was turning into her mother (not good).

Gradually my helping changed to nagging and encouragment to get out and make a new life. I got the adult education brochures and booked her on to day time courses so she'd get out and meet people. She went to the National Trust local meetings and day trips out and eventually she went on a Saga holiday.

I reckon it took 3 years to get to that stage. Now, 12 years later, I am amazed at how self sufficient she is - something I would have thought was impossible a year after my dad died.

Hi ya Dr sorry for your loss i too lost my dad and was abit funny torwards my mum it was grief so give your mum a break remember she has lost her soulmate and her bestfriend you are all grieving. i wasnt so lucky 2 years later i lost my mum but one thing i will always carry in my heart was she was she was happy torwards the end and i was the reason for that although her death was sudden and very much unexpected goodluck hun remember you need each other