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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so DH has left says we both need space.

12 replies

onlygirl · 27/12/2009 17:53

He went this aft. Said we both need some space so he will try to be back tuesday when i go to work! WTF?? kids never saw me blubbing but he did i cant believe hes done this. He never even wanted to stay to talk about it im so upset and angry.

OP posts:

kinnies · 27/12/2009 17:58

Can you call somone to come round? You need some support.

Sorry this has happened.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 27/12/2009 18:53

What a wanker he sounds. As Kinnies said, can you call a friend/relative to come round and look after you? Tonight you need some pampering and kindness. Tomorrow you need to sit down and sort out the finances/housing etc so that when he does reappear you can present him with a clearly worked out plan of how much child support he's going to be paying you and how often he's going to see his DCs (he can't throw you and the DC out of your home because he doesn't want to be your partner any more).
If he is just wanking around, you laying out the practicalities might shock some sense into him, if he really does want to leave the relationship then you need to know your entitlements before you have any discussion with him (as people leaving a partner can often be both cruel and dishonest, claiming that the partner and chidren can be abandoned with nothing - this is not true).
NO matter what the situation, you need to be calm and civil as possible when he reappears. Crying and pleading will NOT WORK. They never do. If he really wants to leave, he will leave. IF he is trying to hurt or punish you by threatening to leave, showing your hurt and pain will demonstrate to him that he's got a really good method of controlling you - every time he doesn't get his own way he can threaten to dump you again.

GypsyMoth · 27/12/2009 18:56

is there history to this? or has it just come out of the blue? and wheres he gone to now??

Original poster

onlygirl · 27/12/2009 20:05

Over the last week or so he just seems so angry all the time towards both our children(7 and 3) not hitting but threatening it and shouting all the time. Christmas eve was the worst.My friends have offered to come round with a take-away but im just spending the time with the boys. He has gone to his sisters he says he will try and be back by tuesday, ive calmed down now i think we need to talk properly maybe without the kids around who knows?

OP posts:

echt · 27/12/2009 21:44

"We need space" means he needs space. "Try and be back next Tuesday" means he's giving himself a let out, after all, he only said "try". He is already distancing himself from taking full responsibility for his actions.

This may not appear immediately helpful, but paying attention to the language people use often gives away their real intentions, frequently ones they're not aware of themselves.

The more immediate and practical advice you've been given is excellent.

Look after yourself and your boys.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 27/12/2009 21:44

OG: And you want him back why? exactly? While his departure may be a shock, try reframing how you think of it as 'Great! No angry shouty man threatening to hit my children!'
I do appreciate that there is more going on than this, but if you look at it temporarily as a good thing that someone who is behaving so unpleasantly is gone for the moment, you will be in a better position to discuss what happens next with him. IE you really should feel able to tell him that if he can't behave himself, actually, he's not welcome back in your children's home.

GypsyMoth · 27/12/2009 21:54

Another woman a possibility? There must be a trigger of some sort, what could that be? Sorry, but to change like this overnight,you need to get to the root of this.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 27/12/2009 21:57

Agree with Tiff.

oliviasmama · 27/12/2009 22:25

me too, sorry.

MaggieMnaSneachta · 27/12/2009 22:33

Totally agree with Solid and echt's de-coding of 'try and be back by tuesday'.

This doesn't have to be awful. Adjustment is hard though. Especially when you don't feel in control of what might be thrown at your life next.

I agree that you should show him you're not a pathetic pushover. Put together a plan of maintenance, access suggestions and other practicalities.

kittya · 27/12/2009 22:49

I hate to say this but this has happened to my friend recently. Sadly, it was another woman although it took weeks to come out. Please quietly seek legal advice and dont tell him. Be calm and dont give him any amunnition. Thinking of you.

clam · 28/12/2009 15:19

Sorry, but my first thought was "another woman." Hope I'm wrong. I know this has come as a shock to you, but there must have been some indication of problems prior to this.

And think SGB's dead right. Try and appreciate the peace and quiet for a bit, and use the space to reflect.

Flip