Advice re an argument needed

[SupaNova]

Hello,

This is my first post but I've been reading the site for a little while. I'm hoping I can get some impartial advice from you all. Sorry it's so long!

I've been with my husband for 7 years, but we only married recently. We've always argued a lot but usually about silly things. We're both very stubborn but we do love each other. We just started trying for a baby and I got pregnant straight away. I'm just over 5 weeks along.

My husband is trying to quit smoking and so has been a bit difficult to get along with lately, but I'm really proud of him for trying.

Last night we had a stupid argument about nothing particularly important. It was getting out of hand (I hate arguing and we were getting shouty and in danger of saying things we didn't mean) so I asked him to stop and to leave me alone. He said something which really upset me and I told him to fuck off and get out of the room. (Not very mature I know.) He then got really angry and it became a shouting match, with me telling him to leave. When he wouldn't leave I got up to walk out of the room instead. He was stood in the doorway and wouldn't let me out. I told him to move and let me pass but he didn't. I ended up telling him I would call the police if he didn't let me out and then I pushed past him. He didn't resist when I pushed past but didn't get out of the way either.

He won't admit that he was in the wrong to try and stop me leaving the room. I've told him he was being intimidating and frightened me but he says I'm overreacting. I come from an abusive background (my father was verbally/emotionally abusive, would often block me from leaving a room and was sometimes violent) so perhaps this is upsetting me more than it would other people but I don't want to live with someone who thinks it's ok to treat me like this. I also don't want to raise a child like this either. I do love him though and most of the time things are great between us. I've told him if he can't see that he's wrong then he needs to leave.

Am I overreacting?

Had either of you been drinking?

Does your dh know your father used to do that to you?

Has your dh ever done anything like it before?

Sounds as if you both were verbally abusing each other. You need to have a heart to heart chat about what transpired, and exactly why you reacted so strongly.

You were (and are) throwing around quite a few threats - going to call the police on him, he needs to leave if he doesn't see he's wrong, etc.

You both need to calm down, and find ways to stop a 'stupid argument about nothing particularly important' from escalating so quickly and dramatically. Particularly now that you have a child on the way, your relationship has more at stake.

It is time to mature a bit instead of saying 'oh we're both stubborn' as justification for unreasonable behaviour, and learn to compromise, negotiate, and take lots of deep breaths - not shouting, using extreme verbal threats and physical intimidation.

Grow up.

It was a row that got way out of hand.

Sort it out before this poor baby is born into a fucked up relationship.

Nice earlyBird

SupaNova I think that you still both need to calm down.
Yes he was wrong for stopping you from leaving but its not a reason to end your relationship. Talk it through tomorrow. Im sure you will sort it out. Oh and congrats on your pregnancy! those hormones are a PITA arnt they?!!

No we hadn't been drinking. Neither of us drink often and I haven't drunk at all since we started trying for a baby. We've never argued when drunk either.

He knows about my history with my father but can be quite odd about it. He gets really offended if I tell him he scares me when he gets angry and says he's not my father, which obviously I know, but I still find angry people frightening. I'm not great at communication so maybe I'm not explaining this well to him.

I only mentioned calling the police because I was scared that he was going to get violent. He never has but he's never behaved like that before either.

We do compromise and we do stop arguments before they get out of control normally, by saying let's leave it or one of us leaving the room the cool down. I think the reason things escalated so much last night was because he's finding quitting smoking difficult and is getting very tetchy at times when he wants a smoke. I'm just worried that now he's had time to calm down and think about things, that he doesn't realise he was in the wrong. (I only mean about the not letting me leave the room, not the argument itself. That's something I can compromise on.) That's why I'm thinking about leaving. I'm scared that if he doesn't see that it's wrong to keep someone in a room against their will then he will do it again and things could escalate beyond that.

Thanks Kinnies. I suppose I am wondering if I'm being hormonal and not reasonable. It's hard to tell.

you were scared he was going to get violent.....thats very telling.

Well I expect he knows he shouldnt keep you in a room. You say hes stuborn, could it be that he just finds it hard to say he was wrong while he is still wound up?

I see his point about not wanting to be compaired to your father. My Dh is much the same and used to get upset/angry when I told him I was scared when he shouted at me (my ex was an abusive arse) as he knew that he would never be anything like my ex and hurt that I could feel unsafe around him.

I agree with earlybird and Fab, you both need to sort this out before you have this child.

You need to take some responsibility and do what you can to not argue, you cannot control or change your DH'd behaviour but you can control and change yours, and by doing thst you might help him control and change his.

If you wheere actually genuinely scared for your safety, rather than acting out and threatening the police through anger, then you probably shouldn't stay with this man.

If you re arguing over unimportant things then that is very telling too.

kinnies - you can all you want, but I did type a long and thoughtful answer that was perhaps a bit blunt for your liking.

SuperNova - you both have a lot going on atm. You have pregnancy hormones going crazy, he's trying to stop smoking. You're both 'not yourselves'. But you both can't simply 'blame' the other, or 'blame' hormones/quitting smoking.

As the pregnancy progresses, and once the baby arrives, you'll have more hormones, be sleep deprived and exhausted. Your freedom will change, your relationship/intimacy will change - your whole life is going to be different. Some of it will be absolutely wonderful and amazing, and some of it will be very demanding and difficult. You'll have to work things through, and can't just be flying off the handle with each other.

Stop trying to be 'right' and making him the 'villain'. He was wrong, but so were you. You and your dh need to stop being so stubborn and butting heads, and start pulling in the same direction - for your own sake, and for the sake of the baby.

ILoveTiffany - I don't know exactly how to explain this. I don't think he would get violent and I'm probably being unfair in thinking that he would, but I can't help getting scared sometimes. I used to be scared when my ex got angry/shouty and he's the most non-violent person I know. It's just that my history has taught me that people you would never expect to be violent often are behind closed doors. That makes it hard to feel entirely safe with anyone.

Kinnies: I thought I'd left it long enough for him not to still be wound up, but you may well be right.

He's just apologised and, although he still won't admit it was wrong or understand why I'm so upset, he has promised it will never happen again. I think you're right that he's hurt that I would feel unsafe around him. I think we'll need to have a proper talk about this at some point in the future, when we're both calmer. For now though, I think things are back on an even keel.

Thanks for the advice everyone! I hope I haven't come across as too defensive. I'm not great at taking criticism but I'm trying!

I do think it's important to remember that being angry in an argument is not necessarily a sign that a person is abusive. Perfectly nice people get angry sometimes, and shout - and though refusing to let someone leave a room is not very nice, it's not necessarily part of a pattern of abusive behaviour. It's possible that you are being a bit unfair to your H by using the 'Don't be angry because it reminds me of my abusive past' line - he is allowed to have feelings, including angry ones, and is it possible that you are using the 'poor little vulnerable me' position to get your own way sometimes?

I think maybe I haven't been too clear about our arguing. I don't mean knock down screaming matches on a regular basis. Just that we disagree on a lot of things. We rarely shout/swear at each other, but we do argue things out if we disagree rather than ignoring them. We both compromise and we both admit when we're in the wrong (although it can take a little while for us both to calm down enough to realise that).

I think I probably didn't handle last night well because of my history. When I'm scared I get agressive as a defense mechanism, hence the threatening to call the police and shouting. I know it wasn't a particularly constructive way to behave in last night's situation, but it has probably saved my butt on a number of occasions. I guess I don't really want to change that about myself. I just want to be in a relationship where I don't get scared. I guess that's something we'll both be working on from now on.

I'm not trying to paint him as a villain. He's a good guy, but I do think he was very wrong last night and if I don't challenge it then nothing will change. I'll admit that I was wrong in part, especially for swearing at him, but I think he needs to take responsiblity for his behaviour too and realise that he crossed a line.

Obviously I want to sort this out before we have a baby together. The baby was a large part of the reason why I was thinking of leaving. I don't want my child to grow up the way I did.

Sorry, I'm having trouble keeping up with the posts!

I do agree that it's ok to have angry feelings but I don't think it's ok to take them out on other people in a way that makes them scared. He can talk to me about them without getting intimidating. The odd shout I can handle, but being stopped from walking away when it gets too much, is not ok with me.

if he's like this now...then imagine with a demanding baby. thats pretty stressful

(NB just to say that your effort to 'walk away' may have been intensely frustrating for him - if you have a history of being able to 'argue out' problems between you then he was probably surprised and resentful that you suddenly wanted to walk out on this one, and wanted to conclude it like previosu ones)

Hi Supa, I would agree that with your hormones and his giving up smoking, it is particularly easy for things to get out of hand for both of you at the moment. My DP behaved in an aggressive way when quitting, and found it much harder to admit he was in the wrong, for about a year after giving up- and he is normally the most placid, gentle, easy going creature on the planet. Add to that your natural fears that your past may repeat itself and it sounds like a recipe for misunderstanding.

I would say the key thing is not to panic- Your DH may never agree with you that it is not ok to keep you in a room, this may be down to pride or a simple lack of empathy for a female perspective (many men find it hard it understand how a female can feel physically vulnerable). The important thing is that he has promised not to let it happen again. In a way, that shows more respect for your feelings than if he simply agreed with you, IYSWIM. Simple ground rules may be useful to help you through the next few months, which may well be tricky. And I agree that once you've allowed a bit of time and space this may well be easier for you both. Good luck .

Taking a time out on an argument, to come back to it later, is sensible. I wouldn't want to have a serious discussion with an angry person (or someone having a nic fit, for that matter) - they're not sensible or reasonable, they might as well be drunk.

That being said, you do have to come back to the matter later, when you're both in a fit state.

Supanova, obviously I don't know anything about you or your DH but I have to say that early pregnancy hormones and giving up smoking are a disastrous combination.

DH and I used to have the most appalling rows that seemed irreconcilable but it was all down to hormones and nicotine withdrawal.

In the end he started smoking again and was much more supportive - he then gave up in my second trimester when I was a little less emotional.

Thanks people. We had a good long talk last night and I think we're going to get through this ok. We've agreed to talk about this again at a later date when things are good between us and we're both feeling calm.

He's going to stick with quitting smoking and try not to take it out on me. I'm going to try and get a grip with the pregnancy hormones. I was being overemotional and I did overreact and handle the situation badly. I think we can both forive each for this and move on.

I appreciate all the advice and support!

Earlybird, excellent advice.
Supanova, good luck