post separation discussions - how to handle?

[MavisGrind]

Try it with a title!

Apologies, this may be a little waffly.

DH decided to leave about 7 months ago. We have 2 dcs - 3 yrs and 8 months. xH has spent much of the last 7 months abroad with his work.

He is now back in the UK and we need to sort out access arrangements for the dcs. One of the reasons he decided to leave is that he believes that I am not spontaneous enough, that I like everything to be arranged in advance etc etc. This is true to some extent (I do love a good list!) although I have been a little at his expectations around spontaneity given how small our children are (for example - he wanted to book a week abroad for all of us to stay with a chain smoking friend of his 3 weeks after dc2 due date. Had this come off dc2 would have been a week old, xH would have spent much of the week working whist we camped out in said friends spare room. When I pointed out that this plan was a little unrealistic I was told it was my attitude at fault, not the plan).

He has stated that he doesn't want a regular schedule for visits and that IABU to expect him to commit to anything. Should I argue strongly against this then I will be at fault for being inflexible.

How do I handle this? I want the dcs to have the best relationship they can with their father but I will not be treated as a member of staff and not be able to make any sort of plans as we're waiting for him to decide he wants to see them. Responsibility isn't a strong point and frankly I don't believe a word he says any more.

How do I approach discussions about access with him?

Would he be willing to go through Relate or a mediation service? It might help to involve a third party, so that the discussions can focus on the children rather than on your feelings about your ex and vice versa. (Not to imply that there's anything unreasonable about what you're saying, but it can be helpful to remove some of the blame-laying from access discussions, I guess.)

Popty - Relate is probably a good idea. I'm just trying to work out the best way of having these discussions without him throwing is back at my unreasonableness. He talks a good talk and would be extremely plausible to a third party but that may not help arrangements for our dcs in the long run. Sadly the issues that have split us up are the issues that are really important to maintaining good relationships when co-parenting - relability, time-keeping etc.

Everytime we have a discussion I just end up thinking "this is going to end up in court" and I would really like to avoid that for all our sakes.

Kids need a routine, so although a flexible approach can be good all around, for instance if a child is ill and a visit is cancelled, then fine, re arrange for another date, but generally, a bit of predictability and stability is good.

And it's not about your DH. It's about the kids. He should be offered regular contact, but up to him if he decides not to take it up. Usual contact would be every other weekend and possibly a weekday in the middle of the week, but as he works abroad, and your DCs aren't in school yet, something a bit more flexible. Also, would build up to overnight visits as your youngest is 8 months.

ilove - my approach is that of flexibility against a background of a regular pattern of access. When we first split I had suggested the every other routine and a week night pattern which was met with "well there is no room for spontenaity there" and a gruding offer of he'd 'roughly' let me know when he was going to have the dcs. They will have to fit in around his work commitments.

He actually works in this country but is choosing to travel abroad a lot. I'm just worried that if I 'offer' access visits then he will bleat to all and sundry about how I'm keeping him away from his dcs. Sigh. I never asked to be in this position. Why does it have to be so fucking hard?

Sorry, but you're not on call, nor are you expected to drop everything so he can have contact. Of course you aren't keeping him away from the children by wanting specific contact days.

You are being reasonable about contact. He is not.

He's a knob. He wants it all to be about him, stil (probably punishing you for dumping the unreliable selfish arse in the first place). Tell him the schedule that suits the kid best, and (if necessary and possible) have contingency plans in place for someone else to look after them so if you have plans of your own, your tosspot X can't screw them up.
And while they are this little, don't tell the older one that Daddy is coming to see them so that s/he doesn't get upset if Daddy screws up and doesn't appear.
And DON'T let him make you feel that you are a boring tight-knickered suburbanite stifling his creative free-spiritedness. What this utter wanker means by 'spontanaety' is that your lives are supposed to revolve around him and his whims.

Thanks Solid - he has a way of making me doubt myself and all the hang-ups about being a "tight-knickered suburbanite" come to the surface.

He was the one that left although with that beautiful clarity that hindsight affords I should have got out years ago. I'm partially pissed off with myself for not being stronger and lumping my dcs with the father they have. I suppose you live, you learn.

I don't tell my eldest anything about when he's coming to see them, in protecting the children I'm shielding him from the consequences of his fuckwittery. I know he will let them down badly at some point. It's just so

MG: Know what you mean. But men who blame a partner for not being 'spontaneous' are, funnily enough, rarely impressed should said partner decide to spontaneously go out with her mates one night and leave him with the kids and the washing up, or spontaneously buy herself an expensive new toy/outfit - their idea of spontanteity is always about their whims being gratified.
I do sympathise, the hardest part is going to be shielding the kids from the fuckwittery while they are little - they will realise in time what a knob he is for themselves.