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[MavisGrind]

Apologies, this may be a little waffly.

DH decided to leave about 7 months ago. We have 2 dcs - 3 yrs and 8 months. xH has spent much of the last 7 months abroad with his work.

He is now back in the UK and we need to sort out access arrangements for the dcs. One of the reasons he decided to leave is that he believes that I am not spontaneous enough, that I like everything to be arranged in advance etc etc. This is true to some extent (I do love a good list!) although I have been a little at his expectations around spontaneity given how small our children are (for example - he wanted to book a week abroad for all of us to stay with a chain smoking friend of his 3 weeks after dc2 due date. Had this come off dc2 would have been a week old, xH would have spent much of the week working whist we camped out in said friends spare room. When I pointed out that this plan was a little unrealistic I was told it was my attitude at fault, not the plan).

He has stated that he doesn't want a regular schedule for visits and that IABU to expect him to commit to anything. Should I argue strongly against this then I will be at fault for being inflexible.

How do I handle this? I want the dcs to have the best relationship they can with their father but I will not be treated as a member of staff and not be able to make any sort of plans as we're waiting for him to decide he wants to see them. Responsibility isn't a strong point and frankly I don't believe a word he says any more.

How do I approach discussions about access with him?

You do need to know when he is going to see the children, as you could otherwise end up (a) dumped at short notice and (b) having to cancel plans at short notice. Would he pay for cancelled tickets, unused classes, short-notice babysitters, etc.? Lots of mothers posting on here seem to end up out of pocket through changes of plans.

Children take lots of planning. If he wants to be spontaneous, let him know when he is seeing them but make a decision on the day as to what they do. Would that be enough spontaneity for him?

Keep in mind, it is not just about the DCs (although everyone says it is), it is also about your plans. If that feels too uncomfortable and selfish, just look at it this way: you will definitely be using some of "your time" away from the DCs to do things which need doing but for which they would be a real hindrance. I use nursery days to hoover, clean things which DS would get into and hurt himself, and do boring shopping he would hate... as well as a few appointments for myself.

If he starts messing about, you could always try to "sponteaneously" dump them on him, so he can see how it feels! Have a really good emergency to see to, so you don't feel like a shit for doing it, and so he feels like a shit if he can't cancel plans to accommodate them.