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Daughter's marrage

21 replies

lindaUK · 08/06/2003 14:44

Hope someone can help me with this one, we have one daughter and one son, daughter live's with her partner and there 2 year old daughter, my daughter does not speak to her partners family she has no contact with them and if she did see them she ignores them.
My husband and I have supported both our daughter and her partner in every way posible being there for both of them at every turn when they have needed us we are all very close.
Now they are talking about getting married and because she does not speak to his family she has announced that she does not want us at the wedding ( they may go abroad to get married ) as it would not be fair for us to be there and not his family and she does not want them to be at it.
the question is this... am I being selfish in feeling hurt and used, I have told her how I feel and she now is saying that she wont bother gettng married if it is going to cause so much trouble etc etc, she is our only daughter and I can't imagine her getting married and her Dad and me not being there to be with her

OP posts:

whymummy · 08/06/2003 15:14

it is a very difficult situation linda,we didnt invite my family for the same reason and although they were upset they understood and wanted me to be happy on my wedding day,im not an only daughter so maybe it wasnt so hard for them, im sure she appretiates everything youve done for her and she doesnt want to hurt your feelings but it would be very unfair for her partner if you went and not his parents, is anyway you could talk to her partner and his family to sort the rift between them and your daughter?


pie · 08/06/2003 15:22

My DH and I were both married and divorced before we met each other and I had a 1 year old DD from my previous relationship. DH comes from the US and I'm here, we decided that when we got married we were going to have no one there at all. We decided that if we had it here or there one set of family or friends would miss out. Also having felt that both our first weddings were about everything but the actual 2 people getting married we didn't want that this time.

In the end we got married in the US, but didn't tell his family or friends so they couldn't be there. My family and friends knew, and my mum had DD so we could have a honeymoon too. It was beautiful, touching and about our love. We had a video made and showed everyone after. His family were disappointed to have missed it but understood that with a tranatlantic relationship there was never going to be a way for everyone to be there unless we were mega rich, which we're not!

I know your DD is not in a transatlantic relationship, and I totally understand that you are upset. Would you be willing to perhaps compromise and arrange a blessing for you all to attend, whilst letting her have the wedding the way she wants?

My first DH didn't talk to his family and they weren't there for my first wedding, when he eventually made up with them, we never heard the end of it, why my family were there and they weren't, so I can understand why your DD wants to avoid this.

Its a tough call, and I don't think that you are being unreasonable, unless it gets to the stage where you DD doesn't get married at all, as she is threatening, in which case I think you are going to have to sit down a work out a way to keep you both happy, even if it means you don't get the wedding YOU want.

I hope I haven't offended. I just think it could lead to a bigger problem in your relationship with your DD if some solution is not reached where you both feel listened to.


lindaUK · 08/06/2003 15:58

Hi I have read your reply's with interest and as far as trying to get both party's to talk I did this last year when my grand daughter was only 1 year old, my daughters partner's family had not seen their grand daughter since she was born, I felt sorry for my future son-in-law and thought that it could cause problems in the future for both of them ( they have been together since they were 16 and now are both 24 and have been living together since they were 20, I managed to talk my daughter into having some sort of relationship with his family if only for my grand daughters sake when she is older, this lasted the whole of two weeks, I can't say that the problem is all one sided as both my Daughter and her partners mother just dont get on together on any level, her partner takes the child to see her once a week now.

OP posts:

doormat · 08/06/2003 16:30

Hi Linda UK, what a mess. I think you have to be commended in trying to sort things out between your daughter and her MIL. Not just for the sake of your granddaughter but your son-in-law too.
Alot of us dont get on with in-laws and there will always be personality clashes but in the end if we are to have a happy relationship with our spouses sometimes we just have to put up with them just to keep some peace.
I feel your daughter is not being fair to you and her dad and also her in-laws. She may not get on with them but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to see this happy couple exchange vows. If she still persists in getting married abroad could you and your husband not go? Also in-laws invited abroad to see if they would make an effort to save up and see their son married.
IMO this will only widen the rift between your daughter and her in-laws.


robinw · 08/06/2003 16:40

message withdrawn


lindaUK · 08/06/2003 18:26

OK I take some of the points here but I have also sugested a welcome home party and that is also out of the question as she said that would be just the same as having a wedding and having to invite the MIL and Family to it, it is not only the MIL she does not bother with she does not speak to any of the family exept the sister.
This fall out is all to do with they way they reacted when our GD was born.
Some day's I feel like saying " on you go and do what you like and other day's I get so upset about it all " we have practicaly brought our GD up for them with the two of them working and maybe I am just over reacting to it but it does hurt me to be treated like this by her.

OP posts:

nerdgirl · 08/06/2003 22:21

I understand about your DD wanting her wedding without the hassle but surely you're entitled to throw a party in your own home for your family and not feel under pressure to invite your DD's inlaws. I'm assuming you haven't invited them to any other family gatherings so why should this be any different? If they want to give a party for the happy couple too then fine.


robinw · 09/06/2003 07:33

message withdrawn


hewlettsdaughter · 09/06/2003 08:27

Hi LindaUK,

I can understand your feelings about this, but really I'm with robinw. The wedding should be about what your daughter and her partner want, and if they would feel uncomfortable with one family there and not the other, then unfortunately there's not a lot you can do. Try and see things from their point of view. It sounds as if your daughter cares a lot about what you think, as she is now saying she won't bother getting married if it's going to cause so much trouble. She must really feel stuck in the middle. Talk to her, suggest the party idea - explain that it's important to you to celebrate in some way.


jac34 · 09/06/2003 09:24

I can understand how your daughter feels.
DH and I just wanted a quiet wedding, we wanted to go away just the two of us, as having a "wedding" wasn't really the issue, we just wanted to make promises to each other. Also DH is catholic and I'm atheist, so we thought it might be easier. I'm also an only child, and my parents insisted on coming with us, then half of DH's family decided to come too. He is one of 6 and has a large extended family, so there would have been quite a few people going on our honeymoon with us !!!
As you can imagine we were "forced" to change our plans !!!
We ended up with a "wedding", that wasn't our 1st choice, but we both enjoyed it, only because I kept putting the breaks on and not allowing my Mum to get too carried away. However, it did cause alot of tention between us, if my Mum had been allowed to have her way, we would have ended up with a huge wedding that we both hated.
I think perhaps you need to remember this isn't YOUR wedding it's your daughters !!!!!


badjelly · 09/06/2003 11:31

I can understand how she feels - dh's family have always done my head in! (although I do speak to them). How about offering to take them for a slap up meal to celebrate?


SamboM · 09/06/2003 11:55

LindaUK, it is their wedding day and I do feel that they are entitled to do what they want, even if it is for all the wrong reasons. Sorry!


aloha · 09/06/2003 13:23

I agree with the others. It is her and her partner's wedding and it sounds as if it will be a small affair designed to cement their relationship rather than a big party for other people. I think you are just going to have to bite your tongue and wish them well.If they are marrying abroad it will also be their honeymoon and there are very few people who want their family along for the honeymoon too!

They aren't doing this to hurt you and I think weddings can easily be spoiled by other people's wishes and pressure. I am sure you can involved in other ways such as by helping her with preparations, maybe helping her choose an outfit? And you can certainly have a party afterwards, or just take her and her new husband to a nice restaurant for a meal with champagne and a look at the photos.


SimonHoward · 09/06/2003 16:41


I had always told my parents that when I got married I'd tell them about it after the event so they were not shocked when I did just that.

My family has a history of doing things like this though, the first time around my parents got married on Christmas Eve and far enough away for none of my fathers family to make it, and the 2nd time round they got married they didn't tell anyone for a year.

The wifes family were a bit put out about us getting married without telling anyone though.

The whole thing is though that it is their day and they should be able to have it the way they want it.


lindaUK · 09/06/2003 19:07

OK I take everyone's point here but can I just point out a few things , firstly it is my daughter who does not speak to her partners family, "not me " secondly if my daughter had went abroad and got married without telling me I would have been fine about it all, but to say to us that we can't go to the wedding because she does not speak to her partners family is in my opinion very unfair, we have a very close relation ship with our daughter and her partner, I mind our GD every day to let her work, her dad paid for them to go on holiday last year, we helped them decotate and furnish their house when they got it, please don't think that I am bringing all this up to sound like I should be going to the wedding I am only pointing out how close we have been in the past,

OP posts:

aloha · 09/06/2003 19:22

I know it must hurt, and all this feuding by your daughter does sound silly, but in the end I think you will have to accept that this is her choice to try and minimise the strain on her on the day. I really don't think this means your closeness is in the past at all and I think it is a shame that you feel like that. You sound like a wonderful mum and grandma so please don't let this matter spoil that relationship. It's just a ceremony and probably will be a small, brief one at that. Please don't let missing a fifteen minute legal procedure mar your relationship with your daughter.


aloha · 09/06/2003 19:35

Just saw that Kate Winslet got married abroad recently with no family present.


jac34 · 09/06/2003 19:50

I can see how you feel a bit "slighted", by your daughter not wanting you at her wedding, but from what you say I don't think, that is her intention, she is just trying to keep the peace.
Try not to let the hurt of it colour your future relationship, she's bound to want to make it up to you when they get back.
I'm very close to my Mum, being an only child, but she did test our relationship to the limit, during the planning of my wedding.
I also had an issue with her after the birth of my DS twins, which hurt me very much, I dwelled on this for sometime after, and I think it contributed to my PND. It was only after councilling that I was able to let go of it, and I find her much easier to deal with now, but I did secretly hate her for a long time, and it almost destroyed our relationship completely.
Basically, if you can accept their choise, and not dwell on it too much, that would be best.


Linnet · 09/06/2003 22:02

LindaUK, My Dh and I got married abroad last year, just us and our daughter. We were going on holiday anyway and planned the wedding alongside without telling anyone until the last minute.

The reason we did this is because or our families. His parents are divorced and his dad is remarried, his mother doesn't get on with the new wife. My parents were also divorced although my mother has since died. My dad is remarried and my uncle and my granny don't get along with my dad. To us it seemed much easier to just go away and have a small wedding just the three of us.

My grandparents were actually relieved that we had chosen to do this as it would have been far to complicated inviting people who didn't want to sit next to each other or even look at each other.

You have to remember that you daughter isn't doing this to slight you she is trying to have the wedding that she wants, with no complications, no having to worry about who won't talk to who. No one bickering about how so and so was invited so why wasn't such and such, etc.
They can always get a video done of their wedding for everyone to watch and there will be photo's as well.

I know it must be hard to imagine your daughter getting married without you there, every mother dreams of her daughters wedding, but she is an adult and in the end it's up to her how and where she gets married.

Be happy for her and give her your blessing.


lindaUK · 09/06/2003 23:16

I would like to thank everyone for discussing this topic ( hard that it is ) yes I still do feel hurt but yes I can see where everyone is coming from about it, as I said before If I had not known about the marriage and she had went and got married abroad and came back and told me I would have been so happy for them both as this is the final step in them being a happy couple ( which they are ) so as a mum I suppose I will have to sit back and say no more about it.
once again thank you all for the input on my problem

OP posts:

aloha · 09/06/2003 23:49

Hi Linda, I think the reason your daughter didn't do that (go ahead without telling you) is that she didn't want to deceive you in any way, but be honest and open with you. And I think that's a tribute to you. I think it will be hard for you to accept this disappointment with a good heart, but your daughter will (should!!) be very grateful to you for being so generous about it.

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