How long did it take?

[feelingpositivemum]

I'm just interested on your experiences of how long it took for your exH to find someone else and what is accceptable!

Mine took two weeks from weeping in the front garden in front of all the neighbours when I moved out to finding someone else. He says that because we had effectively separated 4 mths earlier but had to sort out houses that it's totally acceptable.

I feel really angry that it took 2 weeks from weeping to an audience to replacing me after 15 yrs marriage.

AIBU or is it just men?

Mine did the same, it is their way of coping. Trying to prove that if you don't want them someone will. Usually doesn't last long, as in spite of their protestations they are on the rebound

My head says 'poor, poor woman' and I'm pleased that he's out of my hair now. I am fighting texting her telling her to start saving up for therapy now!

My heart is really really hurt.

Why are you bothered? Sounds as though you instigated the split so YAB(totally)U

It's always amazed me how men are able to do this.

It's still very painful isn't it? (Even if you are the one who instigated the end of the relationship)

Some men just cannot be alone, I don't think it's even as complicated as trying to show you that someone else wants them... they literally cannot be on their own!

My friend's ex (after being together since Uni - 12 years) and him following her to another country for work, has now met and married another woman within 9 months of them breaking up (she broke off the engagement)

Unless your exH already had this other woman lined up? YANBU, but don't be thinking that he has "replaced" you, he'll never have with another woman what he had with you.. good or bad bits, each relationship is unique because we all bring out different facets of each other.

I am bothered because never in a million years would I have dreamt that I would have been a divorced woman with 4 DC's and I find myself living with my DC's for half the week, living on my own with no confidence to start a new relationship because my DH controlled every move I make and I had to leave before my DC's grew up thinking that it was normal.

Therefore, I was forced to instigate the split and I would never have done without it being unbearable.

That doesn't mean that a part of me doesn't love him, or the way he makes me laugh. I just couldn't live with him either, he was a bully.

So although I don't want to be with him and feel so safe now bizarrely I hate him being with someone else. Mad I know but hopefully I will grow up!

If he's a control freak then part of his game will be rushing out to bag another woman to 'flaunt' at you. You are best to stick with feeling sorry for the poor woman who is being used in this way and to look at the benefits of being rid of dh for all the reasons you've said. You're bound to experience some regrets and the fact that he is excessively controlling is bound to make you feel a littl lost now that you've broken free and don't have the same constraints imposed upon you.

Good for you - but don't for one moment mind that he's nabbed this poor woman so quickly.

Fortyplus, your post sounds very naive and simplistic. Feelingpositive, of course you are hurt and still care. Many people leave relationships that aren't right for them/are not good for family in the long run but that doesn't mean you can instantly switch off all the good feelings you once had for your partner and the father of your children.

It sounds like you make a very tough decision but one that you ultimately felt was best for you and your kids. I guess the feelings of hurt and sadness will go given time and once you start to rebuild your life. Good luck

I meant your original post Forty

I still miss all the positives of my ex, he was my best friend and we can still talk about anything and think about things the same way.

In spite of that he was kinda nuts and getting nuttier, rages, paranoia etc, and those things haven't changed.

Needed to get out so my kids didn't see me being a doormat and so they would know that it is not ok to treat mummy like that, but I grieve for the 15 year investment and loss of a future growing old together.

It is never so simple or cut and dried is it....human emotions are complicated things. We married them because there were/are things about them that we love, that doesn't necessarily change, we just discover new aspects of their personality. Sometime those new aspects are too much to put up with.

Feeling your pain

Thankyou AllThreeWays, I think that sums up my life for the last 15 yrs completely! In fact having a small weep. Even though I feel sorry for her but also need her to remove him from my life, I am so so jealous that now that great sense of humour is hers. Mad isn't it.

I think that the grieving for the 15 yrs investment and loss of future is key too. Although it is exciting too, now I can do anything without comment! And my DC's are happy, with a happy mummy.

I spoke to a bloke about this very recently as my xdh was on the internet girlfriend-hunting within 3 weeks of me ending our 18 year marriage and on holiday with her and the dc's very soon after that. This mate of mine said he'd done pretty much the same thing.

He said it was his way of coping - he hadn't planned or expected to be single, and while he was very upset about the split at least having a girlfriend around made his world feel less alien and scary. No way was she a replacement for his ex wife.

So I think it's a bit like using the launderette when your washing machine is broken. Not the same thing at all, but at least the washing gets done.

PS - EDh's first quick-fix girlfriend turned out to be a bit of a mistake. It was about two years after our initial split that he found his current partner and she seems to be lovely and right for him.

Mine took a week after 11 years together!!

That was 5 months ago and now, he's desperate to come home....needless to say I have told him to swivel!!!

I've gone through hell and back, and whilst like you, I am (at times) sad/jeleous/angry/gutted, I am also happy/more positive/excited/and someway to being healed.

My stbxh has openly admitted, it was an "opportunity" and he was using her, he couldn't be on his own, ect ect. He's a rare breed - an honest wanker!!! Your not being replaced - that would be impossible - she is being used and you are still being emotionally abused - if you let him.

Grieve for your lost future, grieve for the man you married, be kind to yourself and know you have dont the right thing for you and your DC..... but if you want my advice, don't waste too much of your time over thinking his actions. You'll never understand because he is an arsehole and you are not. He has owned you and your life for years, grab your happiness now you can.

xx

Thanks everyone, that has made me feel a lot better.

I have just had quite an honest conversation with him too, and he says that it is because he can't spend a minute on his own as he had such a terrible childhood, and it makes him think about it. I said he would do better to go to counselling and learn how to enjoy time on his own rather than find someone else to fill the time.

Anyway, I know I am much better off now, and sooo happy I am no longer controlled.

She is desperately pushing the relationship and good luck to her! Poor poor woman.