What do I do about my father???

[Nancy10]

I have had no relationship with my father since I was born over 30 years ago! My mum and him were in their late teens when I was born and I think the pressures from their families particularly his (so my mum says) split them up. My mum refused any financial help from him. Then when I hit aboyt 14, by coincidence he began working very close to where I live. My mum told me who he was as she didn't want him approaching me and me not knowing who he was. It turned my world upside down. I felt really uncomfortable just walking to the local shop as it meant I had to walk past him. He really wanted to get to know me, he never tried to speak to me directly but kept asking my mum to speak to me. I didn't want to know and to be fair was at a delicate age. He eventually moved on and life went back to normal. My mum has never had a good word to say about him. My half brother and I have seen her with various men all the time we were growing up, all wanting to officially adopt us, but nothing coming of it. Our mum has slagged them all off, even now. She is quite a bitter woman. To get to the point, my mother is useless with my 3 children. She does see them but only does what she feels she has to. She's got the attitude that 'you have them, you look after them.' My fil died a few years ago and having 3 sons, I feel they are missing out on a grandad. They have an excellent dad and uncle. I have always felt a bit let down by my side of the family and have always tried to better myself, so my children have a secure life, but my family see me as a bit of a snob! I'm thinking of making contact with my dad and giving him a chance. He has a younger sister with kids a similar age to mine. My only concern is he has a partner (no other children that I know of!) I know of someone who knows him a bit and this is how I get little snippets of information. Although I wouldn't feel comfortable going through this friend. Sometimes, despite everything I've tried to achieve, I can still hear my mum in me, I want my kids to grow up with their family around them, we see my dh family a lot but there is not much to my side!

Hi Nancy,

Found your post really interesting as I have a similiar(ish) story myself.

I havent had any contact with my dad since I was approx 1 years old. My mother and he divorced (lived in UK) and we (mother and I) moved home to Ireland. He has never contributed financially or in any way actually and I dont know him, I've never heard from him.

He has been married before and has a few of us kids dotted around.

I've recently applied to the Salvation Army to look him up (as in last week) because I've no idea of his whereabouts. I've been half thinking of doing this for years but more seriously in the last 3 or so.

Thing is, I wouldnt have if dh hadnt sort of pushed to do it at the last minute and posted the application for me, which is a good thing because I would probably keep talking about it until it was too late and then regret my missed chance.

Anyway, the reason Im telling you this is I came to the decision to do this because, like your story, my mother has never had a good word to say about him. He was violent, unfaithful etc.. I therefore never had much interest as a teen in ever contacting him because, naturally, I took my mother's word as gospel - she was the one who had raised me and I believed whatever she said. A little older now though and like your story, have seen my mother with numerous men throughout the years - something wrong with all of them - funny isnt it? made me begin to think that heaven forbid, there were two sides to the story as surely she couldnt always be right, do you know what I mean? could this be the same?

I know shes hard to live with, so my father must have experienced this and maybe its not all his fault. She had a drink problem through most of my childhood, lots of men etc..

The difference in us is, you know that your dad had an "interest" in you at some stage so I dont think you are going to experience rejection from him, also I think it showed a maturity and regard for your well being not to approach you at 14 and to try and arrange it through your mother.

It also sounds like you have a rough idea of how to contact him so finding him wont be a problem.

I know its daunting and scary but if something should happen to him, are you going to regret not trying to start up something?

oh and meant to say too, it would be nice to have a "side" too, wouldnt it - I was the only person I knew with my surname (until I changed it when I got married) which was a little odd.

Do you think it would be nice for dcs too? Im worrying dcs will ask about my side when they are older and even if we dont form this incredible bond, I would much rather say "grandad and so and so live in UK and are lovely - heres their number, give them a ring for a chat" rather than "dunno dc"

Do you know what I mean?

I think it would be a good idea to at least start some sort of dialogue for the children's sake. So in years to come if your father is not in their lives & the questions start, you can say you tried!

Give him a chance to be a grandfather, if you are comfortable with it.

Your mum sounds like mine, cannot bare the thought of someone having what she doesn't & doing her best to stop/destroy anything that anyone has!

I fail to see how him having a partner is relevant tho,....