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Relationships
not happy with dh
Julie89 · 08/06/2003 05:40
It seems that other people on here have also been having similar problems lately, from what I can gather.
I know that 'no relationship is perfect' but my dh is really getting to me and I can't see how it's going to change. Firstly he has never really liked get-togethers with family & friends (except for a select few), and people ask me quite regularly what is wrong with dh, because he looks totally uninterested for much of the time we are with other people. He barely makes conversation with people if he doesn't feel like doing it, and if I try to engage him in a conversation he sometimes gets very short with me. He also acts the same way when we take the kids out somewhere, for example we went to a fair yesterday where there were animals, rides, food stalls, etc etc. DH walked around the whole time with a stony expression and barely spoke to me, acting like the whole thing was just all too hard for him. It really takes the enjoyment out of doing anything. This has happened a lot before, and when I try to talk to him about it, he says "that's just the way I am." I get the impression that if others don't like it (including me) then it's too bad.
Another problem I have is that dh also has a teenager from a previous relationship who stays with us a lot. (Please indulge me in this!) This teenager has a habit of staying in the shower for up to 15 minutes, and has at least one shower every day, sometimes two. This is adding to the hot water bills and I think it's totally unnecessary to spend that length of time in the shower - which dh agrees with. We have continually asked that the showers be kept much shorter, but this seems to be having little effect on his teenager, because nothing has changed. Last night I finally asked dh to take some action about it, and he got angry with ME and said that there's not a lot he can do about it. Am I really being unreasonable?!!! I don't think so, since we are being ignored. We both agreed on this in the beginning and now he doesn't seem to care. Whenever we have an issue like this, he turns on me as though it's my fault and then gives me the cold shoulder, when the problems are really happening because he's not being consistent in what he says. I'm pretty fed up with his prickly attitude and I am starting to wonder how much longer this can go on. It's also changing the way I feel about him and I feel as though I don't want to be near him. Thank you for listening.
confusedandupset · 08/06/2003 07:35
This is my relationship........ are you me????? Recently at my mum and dad's 25th wedding anniversary party he sulked the whole time and we ended up leaving early. If I go to my sisters or my mums, he sulks and says 'i'm hurgery' till we go, but we have to spend EVERY sunday with his parents.
I don't like being near my H at the moment, read Marriage finished??
Men!!! I hate them
jac34 · 08/06/2003 07:46
Hi Julie 89,
Alot of people don't like family gatherings, I know people on here, have comented before, that they now leave their DH behind when they need to attend something, that might be an answer !!! You can't force him to enjoy himself !!!
However, the situation on family outings would annoy me more, what's he like when he takes the kids out on his own, does he join in then, do the kids seem to have a good time ??? Perhaps, the look of annoyance is for your benefit, to show he feels pressganged in to going.
Perhaps, you need a chat to find out what it is about the outings he dislikes, being with you, being with the kids, or just the places you choose to visit ???
doormat · 08/06/2003 08:08
Julie 89 totally agree with Jac34 post about maybe you could leave him behind when it comes to visiting family. You wont be pressured and have to hear him complaining that he is hungry all the time. IMO you would have a better time visiting relatives alone.
Regarding the teenager I think the way he/she is so keen on their personal hygeine has to be commended. IMO I would rather a clean teenager than a "honking sweaty one".
As for the inconsistency in what your dp is saying. Aren't alot of men like that????? I think you both need to sit down and talk and come to some compromises and house rules. (read stepparent thread)
I hope it works out well for you.
Julie89 · 08/06/2003 10:06
I don't think it's as simple as leaving 'him behind'. I do this NOW a lot of the time. What's the b*dy use of being together if you have to go everywhere alone. Sorry but I may as well be single if I want to see our friends and family on my own all the time - the difference is that I make a big effort with HIS family & friends. I get a bit tired of people (even dh's own family) commenting on how quiet/uninterested dh seems to be in their company.
As far as the family outings, jac34, when I suggest a particular outing to him, he agrees to go and seems quite happy to do it - it's when we actually get somewhere that he decides to go into 'surly and disinterested mode'. It's frustrating because he tells me he likes to do things as a family, and says that he likes spending time with me. So go figure... none of it makes sense.
Doormat, I don't know - are all men inconsistent? I would hope not. You know what happens when you're inconsistent with children - they get the better of you. Which is exactly what's happening here. I would just rather that everyone knows where they stand, including me.
confusedandupset · 08/06/2003 11:16
Hi Julie89, I also have the problem with him not wanting to see my family, he tends to go and see his brother while i'm at my parents or family, but i have to make a HUGE effort every week. If I don't want to go, he sulks and bangs about. We are actually on the verge of breaking up and he has finally agreed to move out for a while to see what happens. I have no feelings for him and will be glad to see the back of him. How old are you?? I'm 24 and have grown up a lot but he hasn't and that is the problem.
Julie89 · 09/06/2003 10:15
It's hard isn't it October. Dh somehow manages to put on a different face for his work colleagues though.... my mum once saw dh laughing and chatting with some of his work acquaintances, and she couldn't believe it was the same person. Another thing he does sometimes is 'poke fun' at me (if you can call it that) in front of other people... he particularly likes doing it when we're with my family. I try to take it as a joke but occasionally it upsets me, and if I mention it to him later, he says that he doesn't mean it. I really struggle to understand him sometimes, when we're alone he says he loves me but he acts quite differently at other times.
I think it's hard for other people to understand what it's like when you live with a bit of a Jekyl & Hyde.
emwi · 10/06/2003 19:19
He sounds like a pain Julie89. This is a slightly bizarre suggestion (which I have made somewhere else about grumpy behaviour) but could part of it be low blood sugar. I sometimes get incredibly grumpy, can't make decisions, can't make conversation, and often all I need is a banana sandwich or a poached egg on toast and I'm a happy bunny again. Obviously this is unlikely to be the whole cause of the problem but if it comes at particular times of day - mid- morning or mid afternoon being especially noticable this might have something to do with it. The bit about him being happy to go somewhere and then being miserable the whole time struck a chord which is why I suggested it.
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