Following on from the thread about being controlled... those that have left, how do you move on from your past?

[WillyEckerslike]

I have an agenda here and didn't want to hijack QNC's thread.

I was in a controlling relationship for 20 years. The controlling crept up on me. I was an independent woman, I have a brain... yet I was ground down eventually. The abuse started slowly. From comments about not being able to mow the lawn "properly", not being allowed to wash the kitchen floor because I was too slatternly to do a good job. So I started off saying, no worries - you do it if you are better at it. This moved on to other things and eventually I was sneaking around because my life was easier if he at least thought I was conforming. My epiphany came when he became physically abusive and I got out.

ANYWAY for the many of us/you who have been through this and come out the other side, how do you deal with life with a new man? specifically with someone who is able to cope with you having a different opinion? or who is prepared to pick your child up from school because you're going to the office Christmas lunchtime do and might not be back in time to get them from school (this one floored me.... first office do I'd been to in 10 years).

What about from a male perspective - are there men out there who are the DPs of women who have been controlled? What would your advice be?

Hah, a new man? Do us a favour, I haven't got over the last one yet. I think I'd put any prospective suitor off because however much I tried not to talk about XH, something would trigger it and off I'd go again, ranting and boring the life out of the poor sod. (I do it to friends and employers so it's a fair bet.) At least on a forum like this you don't have to read it.

... however, well done on finding yourself a good'un. There are some lovely men out there who do see it as their duty to love and support the woman in their lives. When he says good stuff to you, there's every likelihood that it is true.

If you can show him how much you appreciate his decency without going on the rant like wot I do, he should be happy. And making each other happy is what relationships SHOULD be all about.

You deserve this!

Hmmmm - I shall follow this thread with interest!! I cannot imagine coping with another man at this time - every time the poor sod remotely critises me (and I'm sure he'd have every right to as I don't claim to be perfect!) I'd think "here we go again" and shut down on him (not being the confrontational type) and then it'd be downhill from there.

I carry more baggage these days than a 747 and whilst day to day I live quite happily, I'm not sure I want anyone else to open my emotional suitcase!!!!

Think I'm not ready yet huh? Doesn't stop me window shopping tho

you see, Violet, this is the kind of thing that worries me - the slightest criticism... actually not even criticism.... the slightest passing reference to doing something different to the way he would do it, my hackles rise and I think right, that's it, I'm far better off on my own, just me, no bloke to find fault. When really, it wasn't critism, just a casual remark.

and window shopping is never a bad thing.

oops that would be criticism. See, can't even write the word, let alone cope with it!

Oh Willy I so understand...

I don't put foil in the grill pan before I grill sausages but according to H I should/must. I argue its cheaper to wash the grill than pay for foil.....so sometimes I use it to keep the peace, other times I get beligerant and decide to stick to my guns....

If anyone ever said it to me again, I'd ram the sausages where the sun don't shine !!!!

I'm sure our day will come when the right person comes along... dont' give up hope yet - maybe you too just aren't ready yet x

I'm certainly not ready to live with anyone yet. I'm enjoying his company, though.

I did some decorating not so long ago, you know. I cannot describe how liberating it was to choose the colours without first having to put forward an airtight business case and then agreeing to paint everything magnolia.