Just discovered my husband's affair

[Bellybee]

I am in total shock. We decided to separate about a month ago because the relationship just wasn't working and frankly I was relieved to get a bit of my own space. We have 2 kids (youngest is 10 months)but dh hasn't been engaging with me for a long time and our relationship has been very lonely. I did tell him that we were still married and girlfriends were not an option and he agreed. Thought I would keep an eye on him and hacked into his email account and discovered that he has been seeing several women over past month, has been exchanging very raunchy emails with his ex girlfriend (they split up about 12 yrs ago) and when I confronted him with all this, it turns out that he also had a brief fling before my daughter (5 yrs) was born and that is the part I can't deal with - that he has been deceiving me all this time. He now claims hat he never wanted us to separate for good and that he loves me etc etc and will do anything, but how can I ever trust him again? He has admitted to everything I have discovered but has provided no new information (says I now know everything) but how can I believe that? I am in pieces....

So was he having an affair while you were together? I'm not clear from what you have said.

We married just under 10 yrs ago - and it turns out he had this (so he says) very brief fling sometime before our 5 year old was born (he "can't remember" exactly which year, all he says is that it happened 4 or 5 times whilst I was away on business). He has a lot going on at the moment - only child, mother has dementia, father useless, stressed at work, stressed after new baby etc etc so am wondering if the more recent indiscretions are symptoms of a mini breakdown - he says that there has been no sex involved in these past few dates. But the fling from the past was definitely sexual and that's the one that hurts the most.

If the relationship just isn't working, then I guess it is time to knock it on the head. It's hard to hear at this time of year though, but it sounds like something hasn't been right for a long time

yeah I know. That's the logical part. Hard though when you have 2 kids, and your dh now swearing undying love for you and vowing to make it work properly this time. I feel like I can't just turn my back on it if he is so desperate to make it work better - but this affair business has just complicated the whole thing. I'm so confused! I don't really want to split up if we can possibly make it work, but no idea how to get past the affair and trust issues!

Well, if he's been "seeing several women over the past month", it doesn't make his words ring very true about vowing to make it work this time. Look at actions, not words.

You have to try and work out whether hes just acting guilty because he got caught or if he's genuinely sorry.

If he tries to justify his actions I would say rather than being sorry, he is just feeling shame at being caught.

What prompted you to check his emails in the first place? Was it intuition? It sounds like there were trust issues before you actually discovered the evidence of anything.

One thing that got me in your post is that you said that you 'told him that you were still married and girlfriends were not an option' Why would you have to tell him that? Don't you think that he should know that a month apart doesn't mean he act like he's young free and single without you having to point that out to him?

He sounds immature. You went away on business and he couldn't control himself. You've spent 1 meaasly month apart and he's trying to start sexual encounters with other women. He needs to grow up. The fact that he has some stress doesn't excuse him, looking for sex elsewhere is an immature way to seek relief from stress.

But I think that knowing the truth of things can be positive (it seems you were in a bit of a rut anyway and it never is only one sided. Other things have probably been going on with you both) and if he's really sorry he should at least be willing to attend counselling with you since he needs to change his behaviour, and work hard so you can feel secure and start trusting him again.

You can't not turn your back on a possible relationship, just because of his desperation! I'd advise you to walk away, particularly given you've already started to make the break - and the fact that he's already specifically gone against your one request: re other women.

Failing that, give it another two or three months then snoop again and you will find more of the same. Maybe different women but same context.

If he was serious, he wouldn't dream of risking even flirt with other women at such a time! Some men just can't seem to help themselves, they need the constant ego trip of flirtation and more. In my book, these men aren't long term relationship material, they're pathetic, needy and mysoginistic.

well said eco

i agree with 2 kids and i

honestly, how could you trust him again, not only now, but in the future were you to stay together. this sounds cruel, but it really sounds like he has been relishing flirting and dating other women over the past month. i do feel that in the long term - ie the rest of your life, it would be better to move on now rather than, inevitably a year or three down the line. he has no idea how lucky he has been to have a family with you, but perhaps he simply isnt capable of really valuing that.