I don't want DS to see his dad

[lonelydoormat]

Hi all,

I posted a while back re DP lying about where he went and owing me money etc.

Anyway, well and truly finished and feel so much better for it. However, we agreed he would have DS on Weds and Sats each week. Worked reasonably well for the first 3 times then gradually the games started again..

I would phone and check day before and a couple of times on the day to make sure still ok. Always get a "yes". Usually said in exasperation.

One Wednesday i phoned a couple of hours before to double check, and was told he had other plans that night (this is after saying yes in the morning) as his mum had arranged family gathering. I said why couldn't DS go? He got very angry and slammed phone down. Apparently, this was arranged last minute just before i phoned (coincidentally?!) and thats why he hadn't mentioned it earlier.

Several times, I would turn up and he wasnt there and i would phone to be told he was just packing up and would be there in 10 mins. 20 minutes later i would phone again, to have the phone slammed down as too busy to talk. Phone again, he is packing tools up and surely I can wait? All said in furious tone.

I would wait up to 2 hours in car with toddler who would be tired and screaming by the end of it. When he finally turned up, he would be yelling at me for not understanding that he has work to do and pressurising him! when i tried to explain that not good for DS, he would go mad that I am trying to stop him seeing his son!!!

As you can imagine, when weather got colder and after several times of this I started to get fed up. Especially, as he would then say he had to go to supermarket to shop so had to go with him to look after DS. Ex-P would take his time shopping, so that by the time he was at flat, I would change DS and his dad put him to bed (literally just put him in cot, nothing else) and it would be about 10pm.

Finally, two weeks ago, after waiting almost an hour with the usual "i'm round the corner", "just leaving work etc" I was just about to leave when he arrived. I ended up yelling at him. He turned up pissed out of his head. I had had enough and did not want DS to stay with him. He also just laughed at me when I said what he was doing not fair to DS - which is the point where i lost it. What really got to me is the fact that when I was phoning from car, he was sitting in pub drinking at leisure, not bothering to rush knowing that his son crying in back of car.When i shouted at him I was told I was mad, and its because I'm jealous as he has found someone special! (first I'd heard of this!). Nasty texts rest of the night about me being cruel to DS as not letting him see his dad.

Next day, he asked to see him. So said ok and he was there.When went the following morning at 8, I said i would like to borrow my travel cot (funnily, i felt quite scared to ask)as was going to stay overnight somewhere. He went ballistic, got me by the arms roughly and pushed me out the flat and threw me and my bag out. I got some nasty bruises. I can't describe it, but I was so scared. I felt scared for DS but he brought him out. Then threw cot out. I had heard him banging it around and basically he did not close it properly so one side is damaged. I was really shaky and crying

I did go to police and put it on record, as this was second time.

Sorry for all the details, but initially i thought it was only me who provoked him but when i thought about it, I realise i asked him very nicely for (my!) cot and he just flipped! Even when he was forcing me out of flat I said i would bring it back but he was so aggressive. I now am worried that if i do ask for maintenance he will take it out on DS, if such a little thing triggered such a reaction. I also am not happy about how much he drinks. I also am so fed up with the waiting and not knowing till we are parked at his if he wants son or not (incidentally, majority of times, he was not at work but at pub). I don't want DS to grow up feeling anxious, nervous and unwanted.

That was two weeks ago, now he has got in contact (by text) saying wants to see him. I have not answered but do not feel happy about this for the above reasons. Also, cant face the hanging around and his rudeness towards me.

I don't feel happy for DS to stay nights with him as dont trust him. I would not be able to get to him if he did try something.

Who can I contact regarding this as I have no evidence that he will do anything but dont want to take any risks?

So sorry for it being so long but thanks for reading.

I think if you have reported him to the police for violent behaviour, and he has turned up drunk to look after your son then you are perfectly within your rights to stop him from having your DS.

I don't know the law but surely he would have to prove he is fit to care for him?

Start to make notes about all the times he has not turned up the drunk incidents the reports to the police and keep it all as you will need it to fight him in court if it got that far. At the end of the day your son is the most important thing and keeping him safe from a drunk and abusive father.

First thing is stop dragging the child out at night, waiting on corners and in supermarkets for this twat. He can make the effort. He can come to you. Sober and on time or not at all.

Secondly if he ever turns up smelling of drink, or you suspect he is in the pub before piCking up your DS, tell him that you will be going for supervised access as he is a risk to the child.

This fucker is still trying to control you and is paying you back for having the cheek to leave him by playing games.

Stop playing along.

SeNd him a solicitor's Letter outlining your terms for access; he turns up when he is supposed to, he turns up sober and he refrains from abusing you.

I've never been in this situation, but I would just ignore him from now on and let him take you to court if he wants access. If he causes trouble in the mean time that will all work against him in the long run. Involve the police over anything you can: threats, harrassment, violence. You are the mother, your job is to protect your son. I would not let this knobhead near my kids either.

I have been (and still am!) on the recieving end of an idiot father, although he isn't a drunk and not violent. He woudl have DS to stay all weekend, but leave him with his Mum for some of that time while he played with his band, and turn up late to collect him from my work when I had clients waiting, so our Saturday girls had to look after DS int he staff room, and once I had to pay for a taxi for my brother to come an dcollect DS, only for his Dad to then turn up... There have been many other 'incidents' aswell. He never makes the effort to see DS, as we live some distance away, has not phone dhim in 18 months, and only sees him if we are visiting relatives nearby.

I have often thought abotu stopping contact altogether, but then I imagine DS when he is older and I don't want to have to tell him I stopped him seeing his dad. I grew up without a Dad and although I am fine, I would feel very upset if my Mum has stopped contact.

Obviously the welfare of your son is an issue here. is it possible to talk to your XH's mother about it all? Perhaps DS and his Dad can stay there at weekends? Perhaps if you can't talk to XH's mother, you can arrange mediation?

There are a lot of coping strategies you can deploy. When handovers are problematic I think it is actually makes sense to keep your distance and do them at a neutral public place such as a supermarket, or through a third party such as a childminder, friend or relative. If the arrangement is for contact every Wednesday and Saturday I would stick very strictly to the agreed times and if the Father doesn't appear give him 10-15 minutes and then leave.

I would also keep communication to a minimum. To protect your child from being exposed to harmful parental conflict essential information can be written in a book to handover at contact time. See Parallel Parenting for High Conflict Families available to download here.

Courts presume that when a child lives with one parent they should see and know the other unless there are quite exceptional circumstances. You don't say how old your child is but CAFCASS, the organisation that advises courts suggest under 3's may find overnights difficult. It isn't uncommon for overnight contact to be ordered for children younger than this. There is a guide to what courts expect of parents available from the Ministry of Justice site.

Contact is for the benefit of children - children who are insecure about their parentage tend to grow up with low self esteem which leads to teenage emotional problems and difficulties with relationships in adulthood. If you deny contact a court will have difficulty choosing between your's and the Father's unreasonable behaviour.

On the other hand as far as alcohol and abuse are concerned if there is evidence of risk of significant harm to a child you can make an application to regulate contact yourself and the courts will impose conditions such as hair strand tests to monitor alcohol/drug abuse or that a perpetrator attends a DV prevention course.

Sorry, that was a lot longer than I intended and sounds a bit like a lecture but I hope it helps.

Lots of good advice here so no point me duplicating it.

He sounds as if he has multiple problems and if true a very structured system needs to be put in place for the safety of all concerned.

Can you make sure you have someone with you when you speak to him, to stop him doing this? Definitely document everything. Do all the legal stuff as advised here but also tell him that he needs to pick his son up from and if he's more than 15 mins late you will go. Put this in writing too. If he argues or says 'surely you can wait' do the broken record technique and keep repeating what you've already said.

some excellent advice in that link -

"Whatever the specific source, parents? inability to separate their parental roles
from prior conflict in the marriage is often a significant contribution to the conflict after
the divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how
children adjust to their parents? divorce. Parents need to do whatever it takes to change
their level of conflict. The first step in this process is to learn to disengage from the other
parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If parents
disengage, they can set up a ?demilitarized zone? around their children and have little or
no contact with the other parent. Parents must do this first to reduce the conflict and
before developing a parallel style of parenting."

"Parallel parenting is a style of parenting in which both parents learn to parent their
child effectively, doing the best job each can do during the time the child is in their
respective care. Parents disengage from each other so that conflicts are avoided."

"The first step of parallel parenting is disengagement. Disengagement means that
parents will not communicate about minor things regarding their child. They will not
criticize each other or bicker over things that have always led to conflicts in the past.
Parents are taught to give the other parent important information about their child, but
will not get into debates about the parenting plan or about each other?s parenting style.
Parents will learn that they can raise their children differently, and the children may still
be okay."

however - given the violence and alcohol etc you need to take this up with solicitor and estbalish soem kind of supervised contact .

can you arrange contact through a mediation centre? that way you know your dc willnot be put at risk by this man as it will be supervised , and you wont have to be near him, but you wouldnt be dening him access either.

Sorry but why are you running around after him? If he wants to see his DS tell hime to come and get him at a pre arranged time, probably best to confirm via email so that you have it in writing if he then does not show up don't chase him just ignore it DO NOT call him just think it's his loss and your and your ds's gain. It sounds like he still has you at his beck and call and as long as it continues he will continue to take the piss. Also may be an idea to see a solicitor to find out exactly what your rights are.