Do I give in??

[lighthouse]

Not going to bore you all with another out-law post, however I haven't spoken to FIL for about 18 months, came about after few months of him sulking ignoring DH ME DD ect..

Cut a long story short, DH and he sorted out ddifferences but I am unwilling to let it go. DH goes to see him yesterday b4 xmas and he is putting pressure on DH to get me to talk to him (FIL)I know DH wants me to give him another chance but I really don't like the man and cant hide the fact. Part of me just thinks let it go and sod it, soo torn at the moment.

depends on what he's done and if he is genuinely sorry.

Can you hear him out for your DH's sake? If nothing has changed then you can go back to keeping your distance.

It depends very much on what he's done. If he has been violent, or stolen from you, or seriously, repeatedly verbally abused you or your DC then you would be justified in refusing contact with him.
If it's just that you don't much like him then TBH get over yourself, keep contact short and sweet but don't do this poncy refusing to speak to him -it's terribly adolescent and self-righteous and it sounds right now as though you and he are both a bit childish and rude.

Agree with Meemar. If this is a genuine reconcilliation attempt then your FIL should be encouraged to be able to put an apology or at least an explanation of behaviour to you.
It is awful having tension in a family. My stepfather spent most of our teenage years trying to shag our friends (as we have found out over the years) and being mentally and emotionally abusive to my mum. But for the sake of harmony I have tried hard to bury it as it was important for my mum.
How important is it for your DP for you to reconcile?

I'd let it go TBH. If he upset you by sulking I think it would be playing his game to do the same thing.

You don't have to like the man, just tolerate him.

Uh childish and rude?? No, I have good reason to refuse to speak to him. 9 months of ignoring DD and DH no 4th birthday card for her. Calling her difficult during one of many arguments, his current wife (not DH mother) attempting to assault me in my own home. The list is endless really and after 13 years of putting up with it I have really quite come to the end of my tether. Trouble is I am weakening because I am soft really but know it the arguments will re-occur.

He has said that it is upsetting him that I won't speak to him, I think it is killing him that he can't get to me now. He has addmitted that he is jealous of me and the fact I have his son, he has been so vile to me and other members of the family before and we all fall in and out of favour on a reg basis. I have had enough though, and no one has been brave enough to stand firm with him and he doesn't like it.

Well I think you have answered your own question lighthouse. If he is that bad and you can't forgive him then I don't see how you can give in. Does DH understand your concerns?

The birthday card thing is a silly reason to split a family. I regularly forget my DNs birthdays. Ignoring DD and DH for 9 months? Was it truley ignoring or was it just that he didn't make contact? My dad is well known not to call us for months on end!

The wife assaulting you in your home - very worrying and upsetting. But why is he suffering for that? Shouldn't she be the one to apologise? If you are unsettled by what she did and there are constant arguments when you are in contact then I can definitely see why you don't want contact.

But are you hurting your DH? It would devestate me if he refused to see my family, even my SF (who is a prize arsehole, no less)

Well yes in a way but he can't be doing with the hassle, FIL cannot come to the house now and DH has to make special arrangments to go see him without me. All bit akward, I feel bad about it but really don't want to put myself in that situation again. Just trying to convince myself that I am not being unfair. They (FIL and wife) have even bought me xmas present, feel really crap having to accept it. DH would look badly of me if I didn't. WTF do I do??

He (FIL) has done a lot of spiteful things in the past and been a total dick.

You know best how bad things have been between you, we only know the edited bits. But I would say if it is hurting your DH and it seems as though your FIL and bitch wife are trying then perhaps it is time to reconcile.
But I would make bloody sure that they know in future he needs to behave respectfully around you.
Perhaps you need to meet somewhere neutral like a cafe so that you can properly suss out how they are and then escape if there is any bullshit. People are often better behaved in public. It is how I deal with my SF.

But...you mustn't be pressurised into making nice until you are ready.

Thanks Rain, you are right, and at the mo they are alienating another member of the family just to be spiteful which says to me that nothing has changed, I am not ready to speak to them and am so much happier without them in my life. My DH and i nearly split up over the assualt thing. I think just because it is xmas I am feeling weak and need to remember why I have cont with the stand-off.

Then you know that you have thought it through and the reasons why you are not ready for this. Your DH will be happier if you are as well. JUst reconsider in a few months time and see if you are ready yet. Have a great Xmas not having to put up with nasty inlaws!!