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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ea relationship - just need some encouragement to get thru Christmas

22 replies

gremlindolphin · 22/12/2009 18:45

Hi, I'm a regular and have posted on this earlier this year. You all said I should get out of this relationship but surprise surprise i'm still here.

Basically have an EA dh who is now so cross with me he can bearly communicate at all. I am the worst wife in the world, I'm lazy, selfish, spend too much money, don't earn enough, don't discipline dcs enough, don't keep the house clean and tidy enough, don't look after my car enough etc etc the list is endless.

My Mum is coming down for christmas and he is using whether she can come or not as the latest weapon which upsets me and dcs are now aware of it. I want to go and get her tomorrow (a day earlier than agreed) due to the weather but that is me being selfish and unthinking about him and just trying to get another day of her being here accoring to him rather than just being practical.

I have tried talking to him about him leaving for a while but it goes no where as according to him I should be the one to go.

Just need to keep going for Christmas for dcs and then I will sort it/myself out in the New Year - feel very worn down by this - just need a hug.

OP posts:

poshsinglemum · 22/12/2009 19:16

He does sound abusive and a drain on your self-esteem.
I would do Christmas then leave.
I'm so sorry that you have to put up with him.

Just focus on your mum and kids and blot him out.

Alternatively could you run off to your mum's with the dc and offer to cook her dinner? Probably a bit too much drama though.

New year, new start.

queenofdenial2009 · 22/12/2009 20:16

I'm with PSM and you can come on here to rant. I would also keep a diary (useful if you need to get him to move out, make it as detailed as you can) and start making a plan to get him out of your and DC's life. This isn't good for any of you.

Original poster

gremlindolphin · 22/12/2009 21:52

Thank you! Yes a diary is a good idea. Would also remind me in the "lulls" of how bad it actually gets.

OP posts:

midori1999 · 22/12/2009 21:59

I haven't seen your other threads, but the important thing to remember is that he can only do this to you if you allow him. If you want to go and collect your Mum tomorrow, then do it. It is your home too, and I am sure your Mum being there will benefit your DC.

The more you stand up to his behaviour, the more he will realise it is pointless and start to give up.

Also, have you spoken to him about the fact you feel (he is) emotinally abusive? What does he say?

mamas12 · 22/12/2009 22:15

Go and get your mum because

He will probably 'behave' better with her around and give you a break.
Whatever you do will be the wrong thing so as you need your mum there, go get her.

Then think about the new year, new life, new start. that's what I did.
Good luck

AboardtheAxiom · 22/12/2009 22:26

Hi gremlindolphin, I was just thinking today that this time last year I was feeling so down and knew deep down I had to leave EA realtionship. I am now moved out with my ds and couldn't be happier.

Get xmas out of the way and make a very determined new year's resolution that next xmas you will have a smashig time with your dcs and mum. You can do it, and do it in whatever way feels easiest for you whether that be finding a new place or staying put and getting him out. Your dcs are noticing his behaviour - it's is time to go!

tiredoftherain · 22/12/2009 22:48

I was also really miserable this time last year, this year I'm getting divorced. It's the beginning of a new chapter, and one where I will not tolerate bullying or EA behaviour. Grit your teeth, get through this week and then do something about it. Good luck.

GypsyMoth · 22/12/2009 22:57

oh you poor thing.....i remember the walking on eggshells thing oh so well!!

focus on the positive....new year....start as you mean to go on....and just think of this time next year!!

out of interest...why didn't you leave before? whats changed to give you renewed determination?

skymoo · 22/12/2009 23:07

What is 'EA'? Have looked on the acronyms list and no mention. Sorry for being thick

SlartyBartFast · 22/12/2009 23:10

im thinking enabling alcoholic?

but could be well off track

Original poster

gremlindolphin · 22/12/2009 23:21

Thats quite funny SlartyBartFast!

Emotional Abuse it is actually!

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 22/12/2009 23:23

sorry for being thick too

god, to think i even googled it, it didnt even work.

i spose same difference.

Original poster

gremlindolphin · 22/12/2009 23:32

Thank you for all your messages. Really good.

IloveTiffany - why haven't I left before? Any number of excuses I suppose, including putting my head in the sand, its hard to actually do it, we do sometimes have better times which make me be optimistic that "this time..." and then I commit some "crime" and it all goes pear shaped again.

I suppose I have learnt that even if I do all the things perfectly which he thinks I do wrong he would find something else to get at me for.

I have suggested that we need help to communicate and as I can get free counselling sessions as part of my work package it wouldn't cost us anything but he doesn't want to do that now.

If it was just me I would have been long gone but dcs make it harder. I suppose now they also make it easier in a way as they are noticing and don't like him shouting at me and I don't want them thinking that this is how people should be to each other.

It also feels hard to admit defeat.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 22/12/2009 23:35

dc's getting older.....thats just about the reason i left too....there was violence with my ex too.

i was the same,took ages to do it for real,but i got help to do it. will you have some support from somewhere?

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 22/12/2009 23:43

how very sad. your DC will be affected by his abuse of their mum. i really hope you find the strength to change this soon. what support do you have when the time comes? your not admitting defeat btw. your seeing the light.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2009 23:48

Three Christmases ago I was so low I was almost suicidal, not knowing how to climb out of the pit my EA H had dug. New Years Eve was the worst; I cried and cried and even toured the house looking for pills, though I'm sure if I'd found some I wouldn't have taken them (just wanted to know there was a way out, if that makes sense). Well, come the first working day of January I got in touch with the solicitor and started moving the divorce forward. It was another year and a half before everything was sorted, but last Christmas I spent in my own house at last, with various of the offspring dropping in as it suited them, and it was a joy. OK, XH did manage to rain on the parade by phoning to demand that DS2 returned immediately because he needed help moving the washing machine, but we told him where to get off and he backed down.

This year I think he is going to be alone and miserable. This is not good, but it is his doing, not mine. I said it was his turn to have the DSs but he said he "couldn't give a shit" about Christmas and we could please ourselves. I doubt he really meant it, but if he insists on being miserable, who am I to stand in his way?

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2009 00:03

What I meant to say, but somehow left off, is that things are horrible just before they start to get better, and that the new year is a perfect time to begin steps towards a new life. We all got out and you will too, and there's a good life out there for you.

violet101 · 23/12/2009 15:47

"The more you stand up to his behaviour, the more he will realise it is pointless and start to give up. "

I'm afraid I couldn't disagree with this more! The more you stand up to EA's the deeper they dig to belittle, control etc

When I read your post, you could have been writing about me, according to my husband!
Grit your teeth and focus on your kids and a good nosh over Xmas. Maybe send yourself an email of all thats good and all that isn't. Then re-read it back to yourself and take it from there.

Definately keep a diary but don't do anything that your H can trace back to you. I set up a secret email address and send posts to myself so that they are dated. But I can only access the email account from work as he bugs our pc to get a copy of everything I'm writing. Oh and having been told by my solicitor to have a 'snoop' I'm a regular reader of his diary - not something I'm proud of but actually his entries give me a good laugh!

Original poster

gremlindolphin · 29/12/2009 23:16

Hi thanks for all your comments.

Just being on mn makes me realise that so many people seem to be or have been in similar situations which kind of makes me feel better but also makes me very sad.

Well, I didn't get my Mum a day early as dh hid my keys, told me he wanted a divorce, that I treat him like shit etc etc. All pretty dreadful.

I got Mum first thing Christmas Eve as originally planned.

We have had a lovely Christmas because dh has been normal, sweetness and light and affectionate since Christmas Eve. Does my head in.

I also know that this is the time I should be talking to him about whats going on and how he makes me feel, why he's so unhappy at other times but I just feel like I'm in shock and so grateful for normality especially at this time of year.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2009 23:23

good god!! he hid your keys. thats so not on!!!

will you be leaving him or tryingn again?

Original poster

gremlindolphin · 29/12/2009 23:29

Its not is it? He actually tipped my handbag upside down to get them out!!

We are going to go to Relate (or similar).

I can't just leave. When he is normal we are so good together. He was my best friend even before we married.

I am keeping a diary!

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 30/12/2009 08:39

Some people make good friends but lousy partners. Trite but true. And abusers aren't horrible all the time, otherwise we'd soon see them in their true colours and they would be very lonely very quickly. It's easy to see the nice face as the "real" person, but the nasty one is just as real.

Fingers crossed for you that it's something he can learn to control, but I suspect he can't and that you'll still be here in a few months, gradually getting closer to making the big decision.

XH tried the "you're the one who wants out so you're the one who has to leave" line too. The court didn't agree. You do not have to listen to HIM (you already know his sense of reality is distorted because of what he says about you). Find out your rights and put the fear of God into him. If that doesn't concentrate his mind into improving your relationship, it's a hopeless cause.

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