What do you expect from your child's godparents?

[RhodaMorgenstern]

Indulge me - I'm a bit nervous because I'm not a parent but I am a godmother and I am an aunt.

In brief, I wanted to be a parent but it never happened; I tried IVF a number of times but it never worked. In total I've been pregnant four times (that I know of) but have miscarried all of them at an early stage. The most difficult was the last IVF when I saw a heartbeat at one scan but by the next scan it had gone.

I'm now in my mid forties and a bit more relaxed about the idea that I'm never going to be a parent and I really want to work on my roles as an aunt and as a godparent. I'm just a bit worried that I've left it too late, particularly as a godmother. I'm not religious (far from it) so 'godmother' in a more conventional sense is not something that's important to me. I'm just worried that I might have left it too late (due to years of ttc and failing and feeling like shit and avoiding friends/family with children etc. etc. blah blah blah) to forge any kind of relationship with my godson.

To make matters more difficult I've been living away from the UK (where my godson lives) for nearly three years and have no intention of moving back to the UK in the near future.

So, to try and cut to the chase what I'm asking is, what kind of behaviour do you expect from your child's godparents/aunts/uncles etc.? I don't just want to spend the next umpty whatever years feeling duty bound to provide presents at birthdays/xmas etc. (especially when no one remembers MY birthday ) with no real bond ever being established between me and the children in my life. I know you can't force these things, either my godchild/neoices/nephew care about me or they don't, there's not much I can do about it. Or can I?

"What kind of behaviour do you expect from your child's godparents/aunts/uncles etc."

There are so many variables (age, distance, personal circumstances) but regular contact and expressions of interest would be #1 on my list. When I was a child and a teenager my favourite uncle wasn't the fairly rich one but was the one that wrote letters to me or phoned for a chat every few months. He made me feel special.

You seem to be starting from a fairly low starting point (no blame intended, but a fact nevertheless). I think a nice long letter and perhaps a visit would be the way to go.

I thought that "I'm not religious (far from it) so 'godmother' in a more conventional sense is not something that's important to me." was a strange thing to say.

Agree with Deja re the regular cards and letters. If you're overseas, postcards on a regular basis would be a lovely way of maintaining contact.

The birthday/ Christmas presents are great, but it's the frequent contact that would make me feel more grateful as a parent (someone special outside the close family). As the child grows older, I'd hope that his/her parents would encourage more letters/ cards back to his godmother.

What age children are we talking about here?

I am so sorry for what you have been through, and my hat is off to you for getting your head together.

To be completely honest I think groundwork really DOES need to be put in by the adult in these relationships (and I say that as a mother, aunt, godmother as well as godchild and niece). And of course that is easiest done if you work on the relationship with the parents of the child in question, showing interest in all their lives, most particularly the child's, and then in due course as the child gets slightly older they will know you well enough, and know you are 'special' to them, for them to want to conduct that relationship off their own backs.

I certainly don't think it's about ritualistic present giving. With my own god-daughter - who is now 10, and lives a long way away (I only manage to see her about once every 18 months since children), I do the following sorts of things: if I am visiting take great interest in what's she's doing, maybe take her out, I send her emails, letters and postcards regularly. I ring at significant times - and can only find out what these times are because I communicate regularly - so not just birthdays, but when she's had a test at school, or a riding competition etc. I admit it is hard to have the relationship with her that I do with other friend's children who live nearby simple because of distance but it is my responsibility as the adult to try my best. Similarly with my neice and nephew who also live some distance away.

As for godparents to my own children and what I expect? Well I guess it's become apparent to me since my son's godparents were appointed that actually I really dislike the ritualistic present giving if it isn't combined with a genuine interest in my child's life. My son's 'best' godparent doesn't buy him many gifts, and what she does buy are very small - but she does a LOT for him. She makes sure she sees him regularly, she's interested in him and what he does, and she showers him with love and affection. As a result, DS at just 3.6 absolutely adores her. I also know that she takes her role seriously and would endeavour to maintain the relationship with DS even if something were to happen to myself and DH even though she wouldn't have guardianship.

I did badly on the godparent front compared to my sister, and so I've tried to pick really carefully for my children... but it's not easy because of many things. But from my own perspective of being a godparent I really think you have to be in it for the long haul - even when they are being a brat and don't thank you for a present - cue you putting more effort in to other areas of the relationship. And frankly, that's kids for you!

Good luck in getting things going again - maybe speak to the parents of these children as well and get things re-ignited there, and then work on the relationships with the children.

for me, a godparent is another significant adult for my children to have a relationship with, someone to turn to, someone who is interested in them and someone who stays in touch. I am religious, kind of, but the godparents i have chosen are not really, that wasn't my motivation.

agree with the other comments made above too.

It's the godparent's responsibility to guide the child spiritually - make sure they go to church, read their Bible, etc.

I have dilemma because I had always wanted my sister and brothers to be god-parents to my child. I'm now pregnant and my sister hasn't contacted me once to find out how I am feeling, is everything going ok, etc, durng my pregnancy.
So that being the case, how can I ask her to be godparent, when she shows so little interest in her family?
To me being a godparent is about being a role model, generally 'being there' and showing at least some interest in the child from time to time.
I have 5 god-children myself and have kept in touch with 4. Two are now adults. With the 5th one I used to send cards and presents for Christmas and birthdays, as I did for the others, but with absolutely no acknowledgement. This wasn't a family I saw often at all due to proximity but I tried to keep in touch and would pop in if I happened to be in their area.
So about 3 years ago I stopped the contact. I was sending gifts without even knowing for sure the family still lived in the same house. Also I had informed them that I'd got married (didn't invite them or some of the other non-family god children as it was a small wedding) and didn't even get a card or phone call.
I am in touch with all the others though to a greater or lesser degree and a chuffed to bits when they contact me for advice or just to see how I am.
While I agree the religious aspect to being a godparent is important, for many people Christening is a ritual they go through due to tradition. I certainly wouldn't start talking to any of them about religion unless there was an indication from them or their parent that that would be welcomed.

'It's the godparent's responsibility to guide the child spiritually - make sure they go to church, read their Bible, etc.'

That is exactly what I meant by godmother in the conventional sense. I'm never going to provide that kind of spiritual guidance in religious way largely because I'm an atheist but the child's mother knew before she met me so it's obviously not a deal breaker for her.

I don't even know how old my godson I'm ashamed to say, I think he's 9 but I can't be sure. The same goes for all the children in my life (nieces, nephew., friends' kids) because for so many years, due to infertility, I've deliberately removed myself from many people's lives because it seemed like my life was standing still whilst everyone else was building their families.

I just want to dive back in but I'm worried it's too late. Thank you for all your comments. I just need to be there and consistent I guess. Send postcards and emails, small things that make people feel special. I've been out of the game for so long though I've kind of forgotten how to behave.

HisLittlePoppet - sorry about your dilemma - I would suggest choosing godparents from the ranks of people that have shown interest in your baby, Your siblings sound markedly lacking in that capacity to be honest, it might be best to leave then out of the equation and save yourself some heartache.

Agree with being another significant adult in their lives. Most of my DC's godparents live away from us but wemake the effort to visit and to invite them over so they can establish a relationship. When they are older it has already been discussed by them that they would do something for a week, e.g. DD's GF lives in Northern Ireland but would like her to go and stay with her durin the holidays, he is childless but has nieces and friends children the same age. DS's GF is keen to take him sailing when he is older. We chose our GP's carefully so that each can bring something different into our children's lives.

Why don't you talk to the parents and tell them what you've just told us? I think they would be very understanding and could be helpful. Are you still in touch with the parents?

Realistically, not many godparents these days provide spiritual guidance even if they're religious themselves, so as an atheist clearly that's not part of your remit!

I think it's about the relationship between godparent and child more than presents, or even any overt religious duty. It is lovely that you are prepared to build a relationship with your godson and it is good that you have got to a point where you can do this after all your difficulties with TTC. One of DS's godparents lives a long way away and we communicate via skype - maybe you could look into using technology to help get over the physical distance.

I have 9 God children!
I only dont see one of them as i dont know where he is.
I take the role seriously, and i feel very special and hold a very special place for each of these children. They are like little golden angels in my heart and i feel all warm when i think about them.

I dont buy big elaborate gifts, cant afford that, but i keep in touch, i know whats happening in their lives, i hate not speaking to them or about them to their parents regularly as i miss them.

Its an effort because days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and time goes no where and before i know it.....they are another year older!

I do feel a connection to them, im not religoius, never go to church etc, but i still consider myself a "God mother", its so very special, a privelidge and an honour.

I jsut think that the parents must have thought such allot of me to have even asked me. Actually i am sufficiently close to the parents (been friends for ever) to maintain a close relationship with the family.

Just another perspective on it x