How do you write an email that you shouldn't write and don't want to?

[choosyfloosy]

I'm trying to email my dad to say that he can't come and see us at Christmas.

It's a copout to be doing it by email isn't it. i've been faffing around avoiding ringing him. i could ring him tomorrow but i suppose i want a chance to get my word in/avoid hearing how hurt he will be.

dh is angry with him and doesn't want him in the house. i am angry with him too but if i banned my dad every time he did something a bit crap i would have to cut off all contact. dh is higher priority to me than my dad.

funnily enough i can't think how to write this email

Choosy, make out you're reading that post but someone else has written it. Listen to yourself.

Obv I don't know the background.

And it is Christmas.

Made me sad.

Couldn't you try and work out whatever the problem is, rather than avoid seeing him?

Yes i know littlemonty.

well, at least this post has achieved something, i.e. made me see i can't do this by email.

I would write the email to focus my thoughts, not send it, then us it as the basis of a script for a phone call. Think about what you want and say it first "Dad, you can't come at Christmas..." so he gets the message straight away, then say why. Don't rant. Get your points across, but keep it as short as you can.

I appreciate that that is a lot easier said than done. But you're right - it is a cop out to do it by email, and unless he replies, you don't know if he has actually read it (as opposed to opening it).

i've said to dh that i will go and see dad by myself on wednesday. but i don't know if he will want to see me after this.

oh i don't know. i don't know.

sorry to dripfeed.

Choosy - sometimes life is a compromise. Family are so important and its obv you don't want to write the e-mail. Talk to dh how you can get round this with pain limitation. Good luck.

Choosy - most people are grinning bearing some rellie or another at the festive season. I hope I don't sound flip, but maybe cut your dad some slack at this time of year with dh's blessing of course.

but i'm not going to get dh's blessing.

i know very much about the grinning and bearing - that was my plan for Christmas. dh is not prepared to do that for my dad any more (has done in the past, in fact more than any other partner i have had).

thank you all for taking the time to post.

Oh dear.
What has your dad done/ said that your dh has reached the end of his tether?

If your dh is the one putting his foot down should HE not be the one to speak to your dad?

Sometimes I think Christmas is one big unnecessary strain

THough I don't know the background either, if your H is banning your dad allegedly for your benefit (because your dad is nasty to you) is it worth telling your H that his attitude is making you feel worse, not better and telling him you do want to have your dad round at Xmas?
Mind you, if your dad is (for example) violent or seriously verbally abusive or a raging alcoholic or something maybe your H has a point.

Or... do you really WANT your dad around at Christmas, or is it just that you can't stand the guilt of not letting him? I can't remember what you've said about your dad before, sorry, but the implication that he has upset everyone you have been with is kind of worrying. How many relationships have actually ended because your partner couldn't stand your dad, and will he go on spoiling things like this for the rest of his life? And will he ever learn if he gets away with it time after time?

You say your DH is higher priority than your dad, and this has to be right. There's a limit to what anyone not only could, but SHOULD put up with. Clearly DH believes this limit has been reached.

Unfortunately this is going to spoil your Christmas either way, isn't it: either dad comes and behaves crap again and DH is livid, or he doesn't come and you feel terrible for banning your own dad at Christmas. My feeling is you would be better off telling the old man he has overstepped the mark and you won't have him in the house until things have calmed down, but I realise this isn't exactly going to be easy...

It's quite hard to know without more information. Depending on what your father has done, your DH could be completely unreasonable, just trying to protect you, or being completely sensible.

You might not want to share, but regardless of the situation, you should do it in person. If you can't face it, I don't see anything wrong with an e-mail. You don't have the chance to send a letter at this late point and sometimes things can get heated and unfinished on the telephone.

If you are going to ban him then do it sooner rather than later. Imagine being uninvited at the last miinute - how would you feel?

Is there a compromise in saying that he doesn't come for Xmas but can come round on Boxing Day instead? (And you can all go and do something outdoors-y which will diffuse tension)

Blimey i have handled this badly - basically announced to dh this morning that i had been unable to find the words to talk to Dad with, and i wasn't prepared to withdraw Dad's invitation so late in the day. Dh gave in immediately but it wasn't really a discussion . dh has spent the day leaving the room shortly after i enter it - result being 12 hours straight of solo childcare - mixture of christmas shopping, cooking, tidying, playing football, reading, games and diversions [knackered]. some signs of reconciliation this evening.

dad rang me tonight to say that he had intended to come for lunch but will probably be coming later as he has something to do... so it begins. i wonder if he will actually make it here at all? the reality of seeing us may be a bit too much - can't really blame him for that.

the triggering factor this time has been his involvement with a scam, and his absolute refusal to recognise that it is a scam. his insecurity makes him a mark par excellence; he has lost everything more than once. the thing is that he no longer has anything to lose, and he claims to have sent a vast sum of money to these criminals. where has he got it from? it seems really likely that he has embezzled it - he's done something like that before on a small scale. could anyone possibly have given him access to these huge amounts? and all the money that people in the family gives him from time to time, thinking that perhaps he will have an easier life because of it, has probably been channelled to these complete bastards, funding God knows what misery. he is the victim of a crime - but it is really hard not to focus the anger on him.

Choosy, does he have any condition which makes him vulnerable to this kind of thing - Asperger's etc? It's easy to prey on people who are particularly trusting, and it often isn't their fault.

Am sure there's a lot more to it, but it sounds like he probably actually needs your support, frustrating though it sounds.

Hmm, Aspergers. I really don't think so, he doesn't seem to match any of the characteristics. I do wonder sometimes if he is in the early stages of dementia, but he did stuff like this long ago. I do think he has chronic depression and does a lot of daft things in order to distract himself from it.

My Grandma did this while she was in the very early stages of dementia. After she moved into a home we found suitcases full of those scamming letters, and the phone rang constantly. She'd let all sorts of people have her details. The police got involved in the end..

I would say that in this case it sounds like your H is actually being a bit unreasonable (unless he has lost some of his own money due to your dad's antics). Even so, I think he should grin and bear it given that banning your dad is going to upset you this much (I did wonder if it was something like your dad being constantly verbally abusive to your H eg your age being of a different ethnic group and your dad being racist, in which case H would have been totally justified in not wanting to be abused in his own home).

And now he's sulking because he can't get his own way? Have you a history of partners who expect you to put them firt all the time?

Agree with SolidGold, I was expecting something like that too, which I'd fully understand.

I think you can't write the email because deep down you know it isn't what you would choose to do.

Thanks for all your posts. Yes I do think that dh is being unreasonable really. but then everyone is unreasonable sometimes. i think dh was unreasonable to take to his bed 30 minutes after Dad arrived here. i think he's been unreasonable to tell me he thought i was putting Dad first (ahead of him) because i didn't withdraw his invitation. Apparently I was 'thick as thieves' with him (because I talked to him over dinner). Sheesh.

I also think my Dad is being unreasonable to tell a long string of sporting anecdotes featuring himself in a starring role, and not to address more than about 1`word to ds. but then he is clearly so lonely. i have promised to dh i will never invite him again so i will have to go and see him far more often.

Frankly at the moment i feel like organising a female-only christmas next year. but maybe it's the extreme matriarchy of my own family that turns all the men into dysfunctional shadows of themselves.

[puts The Surrendered Wife/Daughter on next year's Christmas list]

If I can just comment on one aspect of your posts, choosy, I don't think your promise to your dh to not invite your dad ever again was a good idea. You can't predict what will come in the future and you might find a greater need to involve him in your lives. For all you know things may change between him and the rest of your family - it doesn't look like it now, of course not. But life is odd like that sometimes.

Since your dh is being so unreasonable at the moment he may try to hold you to that promise at some time in the future, when you most want to revoke it. If that happens, don't feel under any obligation to keep to it just because a promise is a promise - he's your father, and you've made this promise under extreme emotional duress, probably because you feel guilty about not uninviting him this year. That makes it an invalid promise in my book.

Your DH seems to be being very self-centred about this situation, when he should be supporting you more. But then not all men see all the layers in life's problems, so maybe he's looking at it in black/ white terms whereas you're seeing all the shades of grey.

Best of luck with this very tricky situation.

Poor you, stuck in the middle.

Next time your DH has something to say to your father, why not tell him to say it to him directly. The difficulty is between the 2 of them. Your husband needs to say what he has to say and your Dad probably needs to hear it. Maybe then you can all move on?

Apologies if this is upsetting but: you mentioned previously that most if not all previous partners had basically left you because of your dad. Now some people would say this is your dad's fault but I would also wonder if you aren't somehow choosing selfish, unreasonable men to have relationships with, given that your dad is selfish and unreasonable. THe more you post about your H the more he seems like a sulky petulant child rather than a man trying to support his partner in her family difficulties. Basically he isn't necessarily right and he certainly isn't entitled to 'obedience' from you - your feelings matter as much as his do.

Have to say, seeing what the old man's crime was, it seems to be one that only directly impacts on him, so it's hard to see why it's a banning-from-Christmas offence. Clearly he isn't someone you can trust with money. That doesn't mean he's someone you shouldn't have anything to do with. Methinks there is more to this than meets the eye...