Bugger.... dont know what to do...

[RomillyJane]

what would you do?

bit of background. i have been married for 10 years. 3 kids 11, 7 &5. I have always worked. I am by far the bigger wage earner, I earn about 10x dh's salary. He works FT too.

Never really had a problem working when the kids were really small - I found the whole abay rotine and endless playing with infants too difficult. But now, here we are, with a huge mortgage, 3 kids in private school and I am desperate to be at home more. I feel like the kids need me home now - to talk to, to have friends over, to help with homework. etc.... and I want to be here. ]

But financially its out of the question. We live in London, very close to both families to whom we are very close ( so moving is not that easy) and there simply is NO accommodation here that we could afford on dh's salary. let alone the kids school fees etc.

I feel stuck on a treadmill, I have to work to provide for the family, but desperately want to be home with them more..... We tried dh not working and it was a disaster.....

feel really stuck

can you do work from home? flexible working? part time hours? fimnd a new job with better hours? There is always choices, just some harder to do than others.
good luck

Can you not work PT for some reason? If you did so, would your PT and your DH's FT salary combined cover your current living expenses?

get a smaller mortgage and go part time.

I assume when you say you work full-time you often work late and maybe travel a fair amount?

Can you move sideways into a job that is still full-time (to keep the pay levels up) but involves less of those add-ons? Could you get a job with a shorter commute or better work-from-home facilities? Could you get a job where you can "buy" extra holiday from a benefits allowance?

Would you feel happier if someone you really trusted was there for your kids? What about if you had a really ace nanny or housekeeper (as I appreciate you've tried DH being SAHP already and it didn't suit)?

Would you consider sending the children to state schools? At those ages would the oldest not be due to start secondary soon, and the middle one about to move from infants to juniors anyway?

Have you just not had a good family holiday for a while, would booking one help?

thanks. you are very kind.

I don't travel at all for work, and work just round the corner from home, so I am home every morning and evening.

State school ... hmmmmm. i dont know. dc1 has special needs (aspergers/add and dyslexia) and he just did not do well even in an excellent local state school- the class was just to big. The other dc and NT and would be fine in the local school - I have had a problem with the idea of doing for one what I dont do for the others.

Going 1/2 time would not meet the mortgage committment and ds1's school fees ( actually It wouldn't meet the mortgage) I think maybe we need to look at moving - perhaps a bit further away would make a cheaper house possible

Don't know what to suggest. Either take them out of private school or move out to get a cheaper house.

I guess you need to make a decision, and then stop thinking about it - nothing worse than contemplating what might have been.

Can you talk to your children about the possibility of sending them to state school? Would they understand the pros of having you at home more?

Can your DH have a bit of a shift so he earns more (easier said than done, I know!)

If not, I guess your options are
a) Stay as you are and learn to live with it
b) Move to a smaller house/cheaper area and live with it
c) Figure out where else you can make cuts - even little things like cheaper foodshop, fewer holidays (I am wildly assuming that you do things like this, but maybe you don't), only running one car, etc etc, might mean you can afford to stop work earlier a couple of days a week and take a corresponding salary cut (assuming employers are helpful).

Remember, you're never going to look back on your death bed and think, 'gosh, I wish I'd spent more time at work and not with my kids', but you might think the opposite if you ever feel that you could have spent more time with them and didn't.

I have learnt that life is a treadmill!

Every so often you get to jump off catch your breath and then straight back on again till the next break.