So insecure in my marriage.

[Maize]

This is a bit rambly.

People are always telling me how much my husband adores me, how much he loves me, how obvious it is etc. Which is fab and he does love me and he is a fantastic husband and I feel very lucky to have him!

But nobody ever tells him that just tells me how lucky I am. It makes me feel really shit tbh and I do think I am a bit of a shite wife sometimes, he does do more for me than I do for him. I do try but I don't know I just feel like he is ultimately a nicer and better person than me. So much more patient and mellow whereas I tend to be a bit grumpy and anxious at times!

I get ever so upset that he will leave me because he will see that I am not good enough and I have all these bad things. And then I worry that I take advantage of his nice easy going nature.

This is so silly and he says that the only thing about me that upsets him is my insecurity in not deserving to be loved by him.

We do have a good strong marriage so I have no reason to worry and I know he married me as I am but I can't make my heart believe its true. Its so silly because people telling me how much he loves him is to make me feel nice!

He can only be as good as he is because of how great you are!merry xmas !

Don't take it to heart. Men were thought of as the boss in days gone buy and as the prize so women were lucky to have them. Some people still see it like that.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have my dh but I do wonder what he gets out of being with me.

Yes sometimes I do think people see that I have caught myself a good 'un when so many men can be dickfaces. But still.

He is soooooooo mellow and easy going and I am soooooo unmellow and I must really irritate him sometimes!

He's there, isn't he? And he adores you. Don't overthink it. He's only with you because he wants to be. People may tell him he's lucky, just not in front of you. I think you're being underconfident!

treat em mean - keep em keen - thats my motto

i ironed two shirts for dh today - for the first time in .ummmmmmmm.....well over 10 years.

he was well chuffed.

Maize - I could have written your post word-for-word. I do know of one time that DH was told that, "You have a fantastic wife", but in 12 years of marriage that's not too many is it.

You're not 'less nice' you're just different. Strong marriages are about learning and growing together. What would be the point of your mellow, chilled husband marrying someone also mellow, patient and chilled - exactly like him? There'd be no reason to grow. He has married you because YOU are what HE needs. You the opposite - anxious and grumpy were attracted to him becuse HE is what YOU need.

He learns to deal with anxious, and less chilled

You learn to deal with laid back and mellow.

Neither is 'right'
Neither is 'wrong'

You even each other out.

He loves you for you. You are what he needs. If we married someone exactly like ourselves who provided no challenge, no reason to grow and help us acquire different qualities, why would we bother?

And have you never remembered that there is 'more joy in giving than there is in receiving?' I think your husband enjoys doing things for you! You're both lucky to have each other.

Now stop moaning woman!!

I get this loads, I am a sahm and I once stupidly told someone that my DH unpacks the dishwasher every morning and lays out stuff for breakfast (he does, this isn't a lie) You would think I had said that he does everything in the house.

All I kept hearing from then on was how lucky I was, so all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, hoovering, washing, window cleaning, bathroom cleaning, nappy changing, clothes buying that I do meant nothing to these women, just because he unpacks the dishwasher. I'll get my trumpet out for his fanfare

My Dh is mellow, I would describe myself as high maintenance he says I'm passionate, yes I worship the ground he walks on for that spin.

Count yourself lucky, seriously. We all value things differently. Fast cars don't interest me, but may interest someone else, or how much money someone earns may be a draw for some. We all view things differently, he is happy, says he is happy. Count your lucky stars, lots of men don't even talk about their feelings

So you are lucky to have him. Luck doesn't mean getting what you deserve, does it? It means getting something whether you deserve it or not. But if you're wise enough to appreciate it, and if you love him back as you clearly do, then you DO deserve to be lucky. I bet you're much nicer than you think. Consider getting hold of some books on boosting your self-esteem, because being happy in your own skin is the greatest gift of all.

Maybe lots of people do tell him he's lucky to have you, but he doesn't think to pass it on. Or maybe they don't because he doesn't discuss his home life; he just goes around feeling smug because he knows he has the best DW ever, and doesn't need anyone else to tell him so. Bless his heart, deluded or not!

Fizzylemonade, those women are JEALOUS - enjoy the whining.

Maize - these people saying these things to you sound a bit jealous to me but your DH must get a lot out of being with you too.

DW has had the 'poor Beta' thrown at her by other women and one or two blokes as she is really quite a fearsome woman (which I like) and a bit grumpy and anxious at times (but then so am I). We are both very driven and support each other. People don't know what I get out of our relationship and I am in no doubt at all that I am very very lucky to have DW.

Don't let this eat away at you. I can see how it could be quite wearing for your DH to constantly have to reassure you. I know everybody says this on these threads but maybe you need to sit down with a consellor and examine why you feel insecure - something in your past perhaps?

Thank you for the replies.

I had a bit of a cry last night when he got home from work and cried more when I asked him to tell me some nice things about myself and he came up with 'dresses smartly' and 'environmentally concious' um. Luckily for him I know he is just not very good at thinking on the hop!

I am a bit insecure anyway I think?

Nobody tells him he is lucky to have me, I know this because I asked him haha.

Fizzylemonade I think I am high maintenance but he claims I am not, but tbh I really really am haha.

Yeah, I understand OP. I often look at my DH and think 'wtf are you doing with me?!'. I am, erm, challenging. He, on the other hand, is gentle and kind and just really lovely. He hardly ever loses his rag with the children, or snaps at me. I wouldn't want to live with me, tbh. I have adopted a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy with regards to why he married me. Thank God he did, though

Any fisherman will tell you the only way to land a cracker is with fabulous bait!

IME a lot of men like a woman to be a bit if a handful - it makes them feel all manly to be the one able to meet all the demands!

The only similar circumstance that I can think of is with one of my close circle of friends.

She is constantly told the same, and to be absolutely honest with you - its because her husband is really absolutely lovely, a total peach, one in a million type of guy and well, unfortunately, she is a pain in the a*se a lot of the time.

But, although she is a total pain in the a*se a lot of the time, she is also amazing too. But, until you get close to her you don't always see how amazing she is as she manages to keep all of it hidden under a huge mountain of self esteem issues.

Her wonderful husband - and really, he really really is absolutely amazing, is always referred to as a saint for putting up with her and he is. But for all her bad sides when you get to know her you can't help love her to bits becuase she is bloody wonderful. And she is so full of love which is probably what he needs the most, full unconditional passionate love. Her husband see's all of this of course, he could see it from the first day he met her and thats what is so wonderful about love. It makes me cry.

And they get on brilliantly, they balance each other and suit each other down to the ground. They have a lovely life and they are both happy with each other - so who cares what anyone else thinks.

I have just read out the OP to DH and half way through he asked if I had written it.

LilRed

I feel silly because I know he is a good husband but I don't think ANYONE would say I am a good wife. I am v.spirited.

I just asked DH and he said 'no' but counteracted it with 'you are a lovely wife'