Bad Sister

[meaningofnight]

My sister is a very selfish controlling person. She has fallen out totally with her inlaws, her daughter, our brother and his family. She has been nasty to me several times, but I always shy away from confronting her (partly from fear and partly because - well actually totally from fear). She has lots of illnesses we suspect are imaginary because they are always at strategic times for her (e.g. she has just had swine flu followed by hepatitis because her son and his wife were thinking of going on holiday for Christmas - now they have cancelled their plans and are going to her for the day and she is suddenly able to shop, cook etc.).
She uses me to find out stuff about her estranged daughter and I hate it. My husband says I should just cut all contact with her but she is my only sister and my mum (who died last year) made me promise to keep in touch with her. Has anyone managed a relationship with a person like this?

Thanks AtillatheM and Auntienotmum. I think my mum just wanted all 3 of her children to stay in touch with each other (she was from a close family and lived amongst her sisters all her life). My brother is happy to have nothing to do with our sister though.

My sister goes to a psychiatrist (because of her suicide attempts) but he doesn't appear to have ever told her she is NPD. Only stuff like she is very kind and sympathetic and everyone else is at fault. She also claims he is in love with her.

I think this is all made worse because I bought the flat in her town in France. I would like to have no contact but I can't when I have to go there and there is always the possibility of bumping into her. I went once for the weekend without telling her (because I was sick of her making it all so miserable) and I met her unexpectedly in the street and, even though I explained I was only there for my oldest friend's birthday on a last minute 2-day trip, she was furious and immediately phoned her granddaughter and her son to say what a bitch I am (this despite her son coming over here regularly and not contacting us).

I suppose I have to sell the flat - although that makes me angry really. I have been going to that area for over 40 years and it is lovely going there with friends and family (well it would be if we could go without seeing her I suppose).

I will look at the websites. I suppose what I am wondering if its possible to deal with these people by having limited contact, altho all of you with NPD relatives seem to have chosen the NC route.

I asked my brother yesterday why she is so difficult and he just said she had just always been horrible to other people her whole life.

"My sister goes to a psychiatrist (because of her suicide attempts) but he doesn't appear to have ever told her she is NPD. Only stuff like she is very kind and sympathetic and everyone else is at fault. She also claims he is in love with her".

Well, there's a sign that she is deeply unwell :-( Is there any way that you can find out what diagnosis they did give her?

Of course, she'd tell you if the shrink thought she had an incurable personality disorder!!!

My advice re NPDs (and similar) is bascally the same as everyone else's - steer clear. If you really want to learn how to manage her, you're going to need a large supply of emotional strength - and, preferably, a psychologist of your own to help you stay on an even keel.

You need to understand what she really wants from each encounter (admiration, power, attention, blah blah) and address it directly. Frexample, when you bumped into her in France you would immediately lavish her with admiration, etc, then say you're terribly sorry you can't invite her to the party with you, then kiss her and leave smiling.

On top of this, you'll have to learn not to respond in any way while she's throwing a tantrum. You have to develop the knack of becoming a sort of ghostly statue until you get the chance to do your lovely directness act .... and you have to keep on doing this for as long as you know her, because she'll never change.

If you seriously want to give this a try you really must read around it thoroughly - and I'm not joking about needing professional support. It works (I learned about it when I had a boss like this) but you're still better off cutting contact to the absolute minimum IMO.

Good luck, whichever route you take. It's a tough call.

Forgot to add, there are some lovely stories in "Why Does He Do That" (Lundy Bancroft) about techniques that work with impossible people. Not all abusers are men! Read and learn

Thanks Grace! What you say makes so much sense. We think that psychiatrist (if he exists) must be rubbish just to believe everything she says and compliment her - but she would never carry on seeing anyone who challenged her of course.

My husband (who is heartily sick of her) thinks she's not even going to the psychiatrist and doubts her suicide attempts were genuine.
I'm going to try treating her like you say - like I'm a sort of strong, cheerful detached person who can't be affected by her.

At the moment I end up challenging everything she says, pointing out that she is contradicting what she said previously or that she is being unkind etc. Apart from anything else it is fatal being drawn into commenting on her rants about other people as she will take the mildest remark like "That sounds a bit off" and relate it straight back to the person as "Meaningofnight" thinks your behaviour is outrageous".
It's both boring and exhausting TBH.

If I didn't have that place in France I would avoid her, but I can't cut all contact while I still have to go there. I am scared she will meet me in the street by chance. It was so awful when she did. I felt sick.

My next problem is that I am going in February with my friend and her 2 daughters. If I tell my sister I am going, she will come and meet us if she's in the mood. This will mean I will be inflicting her on three nice, innocent people. Also, my friend's daughters are both quite overweight and I hate the thought that my sister will rejoice in this and try and get at them in some horrible way. If I don't tell her and she meets us it's almost worse. How do I deal with that?

My husband thinks I am not strong enough to deal with her- I get very depressed and anxious. But if I could find a way to keep minimal contact that would be good.

Whoo, thanks for the positive reply, MON!

You'll need to do some homework before you figure out how best to "work with" your crazy sister

In the meantime, here's a suggestion re February's visit. Forgive me if it all sounds like a bad film script ... remember, we're not dealing with a normal rational human being here!!

1. Advise friend & daughters of sister - something like she's very glamorous and can be a "bit difficult" (she's French, you know) ...

1. Gush like crazy over phone to sister. You know it's an imposition on her, but could she possibly meet you at the airport as it'd be so nice for them to meet her straight away? If anyone can introduce them to the village, who better - etc And, darling, the girls are a little more pudgy than the French girls, but I know you'll overlook that & understand. It would be so awful if you made them uncomfortable, you know what it's like for young children - is the patisserie still open on Sundays? Blah, blah ...

1. Practice thinking of sisterly rants as bad weather! It's unpleasant, but it isn't personal - wait for it to pass

1. Have escape plan to nearest beach, themepark, etc ready in case it all goes tits up

Baisers, cherie! Keep smiling ...

Well - she won't meet us at the airport (that would be construed as doing me a favour which would never happen), but I get your drift.

From what you are saying, I have to make out like we really want to see her early on so I can get it out of the way.

My friend knows what she's like. My sister once greeted her in restaurant with "I can't possibly sit in the sun. P (my friend) can have the chair in the sun, her skin looks like she's well used to it"!

Maybe I should ask her for lunch (and not get upset when she refuses to come saying something like she has something far more important to do, or makes some patronising remark about English people on holiday). I should just think - well that's her loss.

Thanks so much for your help.

MON, I have no experience of this type of person, but bloody good luck! Sounds scary and awful...

Glad it helped. Thanks!

You're right about getting the 'histrionic' part over quickly, and with good grace.

I was thinking, additionally, that if you ask her to meet you - you've already said she won't like that - you're giving her a chance to get one over on you. From what you wrote, this seems to be an essential part of any encounter for her - so you may as well do what you can to provide satisfaction - where it won't hurt you!

I probably should admit that I question the idea of 'histrionic personality disorder'. I've lived chunks of my life in Latin countries; I thoroughly enjoy noisy arguments. In this respect, you sister's probably better suited to France than the UK. But your story shows a deal of malice, too. This aspect requires 'handling' in order to protect you & yours; don't feel any more guilty about it than you would about 'handling' a potentially dangerous pet!

It's not uncommon for people who are mentally unwell to fantasise that their psychiatrist, etc. are in love with them.

Grace's advice is really good. The main thing is, don't think of her as an adult who can act and react rationally or you will be continually hurt and disappointed. Warn your friend and her daughters that your sister suffers from mental ill health and might say and do things that appear irrational, embarrasing or hurtful but to please not take it personally.

Darling OP, sell the flat, there are a million beautiful places in France for you to go. You don't have to go through all this, really you don't.

A holiday home is supposed to be somewhere you to to relax, not somewhere you feel stressed and sick with worry you will bump into someone....

Once you get this situation back on even keel, you can try to manage your sister.

However, if she starts to threaten your family/life etc, then cut all ties. You can alway re-establish if she learns to behave, if she doesn't then the most important people in the world, you family are protected.

She has alienated almost every living soul she's ever met.... are you not seeing the wood for the trees? They have all taken the decision to bail on her unaccepatble behaviour, why do you have to suffer?

Your mum had an inkling of your sister's behaviour, and this is why she said to keep in touch, because she knew that if she didn't say anything, with behaviour like that, only a fool would stay in contact with her.

Your mum is gone, you have done your best, but your family is being threatened because of the insanity of your sister. You have to stand up for your DH, your DC, especially when it goes past a certain point.

Sell the flat, give it one more go at standing up for yourself and not taking her disgusting behaviour, warn her that you will do something about it unless she changes, and then follow through when she doesn't.

You tried to do what you have been asked, but it's not viable, and it's beyond your control.

2010 is the year you reclaim your peace....

My goodness, narcissists seem to be appearing all over the place ... and this seems to be no exception. I agree: it sounds like NPD, or something akin to it. If so, there is little you can do but to cut ties, imo. The very nature of narcissism means that it thrives on debasing others - and it has to be fed.

Please don't feel guilty, or obligated, because of a promise made to your Mum under the most painful and sensitive of circumstances. This is your life to live; and I think the best thing you can do for those who came before you (and who come after you) is to live it well.