Trust Issues

[littledetails]

Ive recently met someone, but not literaly! Who I think was everything I was looking for, but he has major trust issues. His wife left him for another man 12 years ago, which I understand totally devastated him. Five years later he got custody of his son nine year old son as he was being physically abused by this man. During this time he has not had any serious relationships.

We started talking mid oct and meet the end of nov only for half hour, due to children. We really clicked and it was lovely finally to meet him, he still ticked all my boxes! Since then we have never met, weve arranged but he kept making excuses. Ive obviously got very frustrated and doubted that he is genuine. He has told me he is falling for me and that its bringing back all the memories of his wife and that he is frightened of getting hurt again as he couldnt go through that again.

I have contacted one of his close friend (female) who has confirmed what he is saying. I have suggested he gets some counselling as its preventing him from moving on.

Im now really scared now that if I stick by him I have a huge burden to keep him happy, I can guarantee that I can stay faithful, but I cant guarnatee that we will be together forever. Im also worried that because of this huge trust issue that he will also suffer with jealousy and possibly even violence.

Anybody had any similar experiences or any advice would be gratefully apprecitated?

my first reaction would be to cut loose

I'm sorry, but he seems like a massive "project" to me

personally, I lile my relationships to be "easy" with no drama and no way would I change my behaviour because of some other person's hang-ups

you are seeing alarm bells and red flags all over the place

unless you actually enjoy a relationship full of drama and having to constantly prove yourself, I would let it go

if he isn't ready after 12 yrs, he never will be

Thanx for that and I know exactly what you are saying and yes Ive seen the red flags! But you know how us women want something that we cant quite have?

There must be something wrong with me as I get bored with boring relationships, I like a challenge and to be kept on my toes, but Im worried ive biten more off than I can chew!

I think he's not that into you and you are wasting your time.
Sorry

i don't think it WILL keep you on your toes though!! more likely wear you down and drag you in emotionally to a level where you will find it increasingly difficult to disengage with him.

Have you sat down and phrased it to him as you phrased it here? You can guarantee, 100%, that you wouldn't cheat on him but you can't guarantee happily ever after.

This man has had a huge amount to cope with - first his wife and then his child being abused by her other man. It could be looked at that his wife literally failed him on every level it is possible for a wife and mother could do.

That's bound to have left issues - what does it say about him that he picked her in the first place, that he put his faith in someone so shallow and so uncraing for their child? He couldn't have known any of that - but it's no different for him than it is for any woman leaving a bad relationship.

How does he make you feel otherwise? Twelve years is a long time, yes, but he has cause. For one thing, maybe he thought he couldn't risk a relationship with anyone until his son was sorted - that could well have taken years.

He's being honest with you, he's talking. I don't think you should write him off completely. Yes, the relationship would require work, but what relationship doesn't?
Have a meal together, talk, see what expectations there are and go in with your eyes open, knowing there might be rough patches.

If you think there's something between you that might be worth having, if you think he's worth having, then don't dismiss him out of hand.

On the other hand, if he keeps messing you around, maybe he's still not ready for another grown up relationship. In which case, gently and firmly say 'goodbye'.

Make your stance, perhaps write him a letter, and see what his response is.

Thanks so much for your messages. He went to see the dr, at my request, on Monday and they have said he needs cognitive behaviour therapy.

I think he has made the largest step in admitting he has a problem, in what will be a very long road to recovery. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens.

So you have only met him once for half an hour , he keeps making excuses not to meet up with you but also claims hes falling for you?? Id doubt he was genuine too.
Id forget it. If you drag him into a relationship it will forever be your job to keep him happy and unless you want to be his mother / free counseller id stay well clear as hes clearly got problems and its not your job to fix him.

Sounds like a pita to be honest.