Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I being unfair?
bluemeanie · 07/06/2003 07:55
Am feeling very fed-up taday as DH has 'abadoned ' us again for the pleasures of an early morning run with his chums (this is following a week when he has rarely been home beofre 7.30 and was away one night).... what I need to know is am I being v.unfair to ask him to be around more - OR is this what everyone puts up with in the name of relationships ? I say this because quite a few of the women I know DO seem to put up with it - hence the worry that I'm being the demanding one.
I feel like I am doing 24/7 childcare plus meals etc etc. The thing that has made be so mad this morning is to 'compensate' I had arranged some much needed beauty treamtents this morning...now I find that I'll be lucky if he's back in time for me to get there on time!
I feel quite disloyal posting this but I am so angry and don't know how to dela with it. Plese help.
jac34 · 07/06/2003 08:54
I don't think your being disloyal at all.
Sometimes, even the most helful of DH's can be a bit selfish. I think it has something to do with the fact that, men seem to find it much easier to carry on their life as normal after children, while women, just automatically seem to sacrifice more, and usually feel guilty if they don't.
My DH is very good and childcare is very equal, but he has alot of interests, and will sometimes just get carried away arranging things for himself.I need to put my foot down occasionally, and just say, "Err, excuse me but I'd like some "me" time as well please", which usually does the trick. When pointed out to him he's quite happy to obligue, but I think that's just the way men are, they need to be reminded every once in a while.
bluemeanie · 07/06/2003 08:59
Thanks jac34 - DH is normlly good at the old sharing childcare thing- but as you say, seems to have got carrid away. He just didn't say anything this time - not even a sorry or an ooops or anything - so I feel that I'm just ezpected to get on with getting the children up/ washing dressing/feeding /playing etc etc - all the things I've been doing all week long. AND the thought that he might not be back in time for me was the final straw.
But the other aspect was that honestly - so many of my friends have DH/P' s that seem to do this all the time that I felt I was perhaps being selfish. I don't want to get into the tit for tat situation and just create things for me to do to get out and leave hime to it!
jac34 · 07/06/2003 09:39
I think it is a bit unfair, that he couldn't get back on time for something that you have arranged.
I very rarely get to, have lunch with friends, go to the hairdressers, etc, but when I have arranged something, I make a point of telling him specifically, that I want him to be home. As I usually get so little "me" time in comparison, he is always very understanding. However, I would be very annoyed (as you are), if he point blank refused.
I think he needs a little reminder, that you aren't prepared to be taken for granted !!!
breeze · 07/06/2003 10:04
I think also that men sometimes don't realise what they are going. I have a friend who both her and her dh play sports on different nights and they see each other 2 nights a week. To me that seems alien as much as a another couple who do EVERYTHING together, (you invite her round for a coffee and she brings her dh) i think people need their own space to do things sometimes (although it should be fitted in around each other) I enjoy spending time with DH, but enjoy the odd night out with friends etc etc. He used to play football with his mates when I was pg and one day I asked if he could not go because I was feeling really rough, he didn't go and the time he is normally away he was grumpy and annoying me, so for me it was not worth him staying. saying that he done his knee in the following week and has not played since (ds now 3.5 yrs).
Anyway I hope your manage to sort the situation out.
Tortington · 07/06/2003 22:35
dont think you are being unfair at all, maybe a chat about a more equal division so stipulate that two evening s are yours to do with waht you want ie. mon tue. wed thurs - he can do sports or whatever friday night is going out night sat. sun is family time.
just one suggstion am sure there are many mmore solutions
Bluemeanie · 08/06/2003 18:19
Thak yo everyone who has posted - you don't know how it has helped me get over my Very Angry moments! I just managed to get to my appointment on time - spent the rest of the morning faffing around the shops making sure he had max time with children and so I could calm down - worked well.
So plesed to hear motherinferior's comment, because one of the things that was bothering me the most was that others do seem to think it's Ok behaviour - I was wondering what it was about me that seemed to think it wasn't OK.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.