Depressed and silent DH

[upsoearly]

My DH works in an extremely stressful job which has had an impact on his health for years. He has been on medication for the physical problems he has as a result for a long time but only recently has he admitted he is really depressed (thank god - I have thought this to be the case for years.)

So in a sense things are finally moving in the right direction - he is getting some counselling and is seriously considering leaving his job. I am being as supportive as I can and really trying to make allowances for the fact that he is not well.

But but but my problem is that I feel so bloody neglected by him. He says he loves me and DD but he so rarely shows any real signs of affection for me. I feel I do 95% of the physical and emotional work of bringing up our daughter. I take responsibility for pretty much everything in our lives except his work (ie family relationships, friendships, holidays, day-to-day household stuff) and I'm not really getting anything back as a result.

I know that depression saps the life out of you and I am trying so hard not to resent it but sometimes it just feels he makes no effort to think of me and my needs too. He barely talks to me when we spend time together and I find the silence incredibly draining.

Any ideas on how I could improve our situation? Sometimes I find it hard to imagine our future together, but leaving him isn't something I can realistically consider at the moment - wouldn't be fair on DD. Plus I suppose I still hope that one day our relationship will make us both happy.

This has turned into an essay - sorry - any advice much appreciated.

You might find these helpful:
For you, www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=pd_sim_b_5
For both of you, www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1857039998/ref=sib_rdr_dp
Good luck!

upsoearly - I've hesitated about posting, but reading your post resonated with me.

Has this depression and silence got worse lately? There must have been a catalyst to get him to admit he is depressed.

My H was feeling very "down" for about 14 months a couple of years ago. He was also in a massively stressful job that by that time, he hated. His attempts to move away from it and do something else had been thwarted on two occasions in quick succession. So he faced the prospect of staying in the stressful and hated job, with the additional feeling that nowhere else wanted him.

He got worse and worse and started withdrawing from family life. I felt like you - everything in our lives was down to me - and given that I run a business and we have 2 DCs, I was starting to feel really stressed and unhappy.

His behaviour got worse still and he started to lose his temper over ridiculous things - his anger and irritability was disproportionate. I sat him down one night after one dreadful day of this and he finally admitted his depression. I thought we'd turned a corner, just like you. He agreed to see our GP if things didn't improve and thanked me for my support. Once this was out in the open, I mollycoddled him a bit and went out of my way to make him feel loved and supported. I felt really sorry for him.

The anger with everything else remained bad thereafter, although he wasn't being quite so horrible to me.

However, it turned out that although he was indeed very down about work and sliding into a depression, the real reason for the stress, the anger, the withdrawal and the silence was the fact that he was having an affair.

Depressed people are particularly vulnerable to affairs, as are people in stressful jobs that they cannot escape from. I hope that's not the case for you, but I just want you to consider that possibility and recognise the vulnerability.

We have made our marriage stronger in the aftermath, but one of the hardest things to get over was the fact that I was so sympathetic, concerned and helpful - and all the time I was being deceived. This is also the thing that my H is most ashamed of.

He got treatment for his depression through counselling - and he changed his job. The difference in him is amazing.

When I look back to those times when I felt as you do, I cry because I felt so bloody lonely and exhausted. I felt unloved and neglected much as you do and believe me, it cannot go on without you going under too. It's not easy at all living with a depressed person and so look after yourself too.

You are suffering from "Depression Fallout" - see websites and books re this - Anne Sheffield is the author.

It may help to realise that right now he cannot feel what you want him to feel - he knows he loves you and DD but the feelings aren't there. His brain through depression has switched off his feelings. But he can get better though - just hang on to that. I have seen my DH nearly die through depression - I also remember him trying to burn himself with a lighter because he hoped it would hurt in his desperation to feel something. This morning he was rhapsodising about how amazing our DD is and he turned and smiled at me and the warmth and love just shone out. I never take that for granted now. I am so lucky he is back. You too will get there. Good luck x

Mollybob - yes, I recognise that "inability to feel anything" syndrome too. This is why there is such an affair vulnerability too. Just about the only positive feeling my DH can recall about his affair was the feeling of suddenly "being alive" - and everyone who's had an affair reports the same feelings. Burning oneself with a lighter and having an affair are both self-harming episodes.

I really hope it's not as bad as this for the OP, but I always want to forewarn people of a vulnerability that I had never, ever considered.

Thanks for your replies. WhenwillIfeelnormal - I really don't think he could be having an affair, but I can see the risk and will certainly be aware of it.

Mollybob and Badmutha - thanks for the book recommendations - i will definitely check them out.

Mollybob it sounds as if my DH is suffering from milder depression than what you describe, nonetheless I would love to hear him rhapsodise about our DD in the way you describe and I so miss that openness and warmth from him. I still get glimpses occasionally, which remind me of what I think he is really like, but I feel that most of the time that spark is smothered by his depression.

I just wish I could happily spend an evening chatting away to him and getting ordinary responses rather than the monosyllables or grunts I usually get which mean one of us ends up reaching for the remote so the TV can fill the void.

I'd also like some emotional support. I had a miscarriage about 6 weeks ago, and although he was very upset at the time it seems almost as if he has forgotten now and he doesn't even ask how I'm coping.

Sorry to moan - actually writing down how I feel is quite a revelation! I've been so focused on trying to keep everything normal for our DD.

Upsoearly, I have struggled with my dp's depression for some time.

He is now ok, but no better than ok iyswim. I would rarely describe him as being happy however he is immeasureably better than he was 2 years ago when I remember feeling terrified to go in the garage, he spends a bit of time in there pottering alone, in case I found him hanging . I felt like I was living with the ghost of the man that I had fallen in love with, he was almost silent, didn't want to go out, couldn't be engaged in family life and had horrendous episodes of panic. One day I simply couldn't go to work and leave him as he was sitting crying on the dining room floor. I also however found him to be horrendously selfish and unable to see any impact of his actions on dd and me, though I accept that this is largely due to the illness itself it was still hard to contain my feelings of anger at times.
He gradually got better with medication, he didn't really engage with the psychological input he was offered though he would blame that on the counsellor he was sent to see rather than himself. He does however read self-help books and buys vitamins by the dozen, I think this is to give him some sense of control over his mood rather than because it really works but a little placebo effect is no bad thing imo. He has also this winter bought a SAD lamp thing as he recognises that his symptoms are worse in winter.
I found the impact on my life to be immense, it was very hard to talk to other people about and I felt down too, though not to the same extent as dp. Please look after yourself in all of this.
I wish that my dp would engage with a psychologist as I feel that he still has underlying issues that make him very vulnerable to depression and I want him to do all that he can to prevent future episodes. I would really encourage your dh to stick with counselling for this reason.

Best of Luck.

The whole psychological treatment/counselling aspect is important but rapport with the therapist is necessary. My DH has been around a number and has finally found one who listens to him, tries to understand him, has engaged with me too and who is brilliant. Worth shopping around to find the right one. Not engaging with the counsellor may be an excuse not to deal with issues, he might not be ready yet or it might be the counsellor isn't the one for him.

I once read that people with depression are at the centre of their own universe and if you think about it makes sense.