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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dh been made redundant- I want to support but so hard

3 replies

whelk · 19/12/2009 21:07

Its very recent but has been coming for a while. He is contesting it saying it is unfair dismissal. I don't fully understand the issues but think he probably has a case. HOWEVER we have two dds and I am on maternity leave and I just want him to focus his energies on getting a new job. He is starting to look

I am happy to go back to work full time at the end of my maternity leave in February (although I would prefer to continue part time.)

DH is just so moody and short tempered, punching walls and shouting which is quite out of character. dd1 is definitely picking up on it.

I am tring my best to support him and keep things normal for dds. I am shattered! Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 19/12/2009 21:34

I strongly suspect he is feeling like the entire weight of the world is on his shoulders. Even if it is unfair dismissal, he'll need a new job - he can't go back in the circumstances.

Why don't you ask him to commit to a date where he will focus all his efforts on finding a job - and until then he can focus all his efforts on getting advice on his lost job? I would suggest there is little to be achieved before christmas now so if he agreed to concentrate on moving on come boxing day, that'd be a result.

In terms of the anger, it will pass. Tell him to go out for a walk as he's frightening the kids - at least then he'll get fit!

Poor you though, it's bloody hard isn't it?

WingedVictory · 19/12/2009 22:13

Oh, dear. I am sorry. And also sorry that this post is a bit long.

There are various ways to deal with this. One couple we know started splitting the day's childcare between them, while the husband did his jobsearch in "his" half-days off. My DH was out of work for 3 months early this year (though it wasn't redundancy, but the end of a contract), and we found it helpful for him to get out and do his job search away from home.

For example, does your local library (they often have wi-fi) have places in it where it is acceptable to talk on the phone? That would keep him out of home, give him structure, give him somewhere to "get up and go" to every day....

Some cafes also offer wi-fi, and mobile phone use is fairly acceptable there. You pay for your "desk" in coffee. Sorry this is a rather expensive option.

If you live in a university town/city, the alumni centre or careers centre might be open to walk into (the one in Cambridge used to be). If not, if your husband went to uni, his uni might have a reciprocal agreement to use the careers/alumni centre of other institutions. If not, careers centres are always trying to prove they are not the useless milkround gateways that they really are (or were) and someone offering a talk on a certain sector and/or redundancy could be a quid for their pro quo. That negotiation could give him a bit of a boost, as well?

Also, it's worth mentioning that being made redundant doesn't have to be horrible, even if there is unpleasantness, because it can give the one being made redundant a chance to make demands and argue in a way which is impossible in normal working life. I was made redundant 2 years ago, and, to be honest, I enjoyed being able to go head to head with a manager who was a real backstabber (he was simply never available for anyone to have a go at!), because he was not able to sneak around behind me and stab! However, he was the one making me redundant, so had to turn up to meetings and face me, and there were witnesses (I was a union member), which seemed to really piss him off. I wasn't even being unpleasant or unprofessional; I didn't have to be. He so couldn't be arsed, that I took real pleasure in the waste of time our meetings represented (for him). Perhaps your DH might enjoy this, even a tiny bit? He needs something to enjoy, in an otherwise very stressful-sounding situation.

Good luck!

chubbasmum · 19/12/2009 22:31

its not a very good situation to be in especially this time of the year, at the same time i think your husband should stop feeling the victim because the mood and short out bursts are not good for the kids and you as well in your condition i have been there before its not nice i found visiting the family helped and maybe someone in the family might know of some job offers going somewhere goodluck

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